The Punchbox: A Body of Thieves

A Body of Thieves


Vinnie nodded to a short, thin man wearing thick diamond and gold rings on his slim fingers as he passed through the front of the party car to the next. There were two bathrooms in the hall, just before the connecting doors, and Vinnie glanced behind him to make sure no one noticed he took neither. There was no badge reader or guard here, and Vinnie was about to say something about the door being locked. But with a simple touch of the handle the door slid open easily. Vinnie was in the connecting pass-through, and then he was in the next car.

If he didn’t already know for a fact he wasn’t supposed to be here, the car itself would have told him. Gone was the wallpaper and the fancy carpet and the crown molding and the music. For that matter, gone were the colors. Everything in this narrow hallway was a muted gray. The floor. The walls. Even the lights above seemed to be putting out that same ugly color. After the party car it was a shock to the system, and Vinnie felt his heart rate jump up the same way it had done the times he had drank too much at the clubs. His brain thought he was dying. Fun.

“Okay, I’m in the utility car.”

“If I remember the schematics right, you want the first door on your right,” Hannah whispered through his tin ear.

He didn’t even need to ask about getting through a lock. The door was two feet away from him and he could see it was a plain door handle, not even a little hole for one of those cheap locks you could pop with a paperclip.

“I really thought they would have more security for something like…oh.”

Duane snorted. “Just had to open your mouth.”

Hannah had remembered correctly. Snug in the room, he was facing a long row of what looked like fuse boxes. The electrical systems for the train. Between him and them was chicken wire fencing, running from ceiling to floor and wall to wall. The middle pieces swung open on hinges. Or would, anyway, once you punched in the correct code into the lock in the middle.

“What is it?” Hannah asked.

“Punch box.”

“Shitfire. I’m coming up.”

“No,” Vinnie said quickly. “Give me a minute.”

He’d only just gotten his gorge to go back down and his brain to stop feeling like mush. But if they couldn’t get past this punch box, they weren’t getting off the train with the prize. He hoped Hannah would argue, tell him she was already on her way up. But she stayed silent. Waiting to see if he could do it.

Taking long, steadying breaths, Vinnie took off his left glove and stuck it in his pocket. Just one more time tonight. All Vinnie had to do was touch this one last thing, and then he was done. Smooth sailing from there.

“Smooth sailing,” Vinnie said to himself.

He reached out and-

Two technicians in gray jumpsuits are standing where Vinnie is standing. One is wearing a cap and one is bald. They are talking as the bald one puts the numbers into the punch box.

“So, what are you going to tell her?”

“I ain’t. Not shit. She wanted this, she can have it. All of it. I’m just going to pack up my stuff and-”

Vinnie snapped his hand back like he was being burned. Touching things was a lot easier than touching people. Things weren’t alive, so they weren’t broadcasting. They were just holding onto the scenes that had happened around them. Reruns. Easier to tell what was going on. But the pieces they held were shorter. More focused. And it was harder to get things to ‘think’ about something else.

Deep breath in, deep breath out.

Two technicians in gray jumpsuits are standing where Vinnie is standing. The one in the cap has the name Ossie embroidered on his breast pocket. The bald one has Ted. They are talking as Ted puts the numbers into the punch box.

“So, what are you going to tell her?” Ossie asks. His voice is scratched from decades of cigarettes.

“I ain’t,” Ted says. He has a faint drawl. “Not shit. She wanted this, she can have it. All of it. I’m just going to pack up my stuff and-”

More, he needed more, damn it. He needed the numbers, he needed to see what they were seeing. Not even sure if it mattered, he took off his other glove.

Ossie and Ted are standing where Vinnie is standing. Ossie thought he was having a bad day because the toaster burnt his toast and he forgot he needed gas until he got in the car. Then Ted showed up looking like he’d been dragged through the woods by a bear. It hadn’t been long until Ted had told him. Denise has been having an affair. For years. Somehow Ted missed it all, but now that he knows, it all makes sense, he can see it all so clearly, all the late nights and work retreats.

“So, what are you going to tell her?” Ossie asks. He’s thinking about a cigarette, and also what he’s going to do to make Ted feel better. He’s thinking drinking probably isn’t a good idea, but he’s hovering around the idea of going to the gun range and putting Denise’s face on a target.

“I ain’t,” Ted says. He’s not mad at Denise. Not really. Not right now. He’s just sad and tired and hurt and if he had had any sick days he would have stayed at home in his boxers watching soaps and eating ice cream. “Not shit. She wanted this, she can have it. All of it. I’m just going to pack up my stuff and-”

Vinnie let go of the box and bent over, dry heaving. Very careful not to touch anything. There was a reason he hardly ever performed this fun little trick, working through something to get to the people. His stomach settled, but the ice on the back of his neck and under his hair told him he was sweating, and his heart was racing again. He could do it again. Once. After that he’d need Hannah, or the job was a bust. He didn’t want to call Hannah up. It was dangerous, could put everything in jeopardy. More than that, he wanted to prove himself. Really prove himself. And maybe – just maybe – if he pulled off something like this, Joey would have to let him tell the others how he did it.

He took three deep breaths. Fast this time, like he was going underwater, and-

Ted is standing where Vinnie is standing. He’s heartbroken, but he has to be here to do his job. It’s a job he’s been doing for twenty years, it isn’t something he really has to think about anymore. But even if it’s not at the front of his mind, he is thinking about it. Somewhere. He’s thinking about his parents’ divorce. He’s thinking about his own kids. Abby’s going to high school next year and Delly’s finally making friends. He doesn’t want them to hate Denise. The way he already does. It’s mixed with love but hate is there, too, because she’s ruined everything

Not that, not that, don’t follow that, deeper, it will be deeper

Ted smells the cigarette smoke on Ossie’s uniform. The light from above is pale and always makes his eyes hurt. His feet ache. He’s been crying. His hand is on the box in front of him, he’s not really paying attention because at this point his muscles know what to do, his hand can hit the numbers all by themselves without him, the numbers, numbers, 8-6-0-9-1-2.

Vinnie rushed to put his gloves back on, reciting the numbers to himself under his breath.

“Eight, six, oh, nine, one, two,” he said as he clicked each number.

The light on the top of the punch box flipped from red to green, and the doors unlocked with a click.

“I got it,” Vinnie said between gasps. “It’s open.”

“Good job, Face,” Hannah said.

She walked him through finding the right switch to flip. Once they were sure they were talking about the right thing, Vinnie flipped it to ‘off.’

“And…bingo,” Hannah said. “Doors open, we’re in. Moving on to the next step.”

“Excellent,” Joey said. “Face, go back and mingle some more. Make sure no one noticed you were gone.”

“Right.”

Vinnie closed the door on the fuse box and then closed the fence. Something warm tickled at his top lip, and he ran his finger over it.

Blood was sitting in beads on his glove.

That’s not good.

The suit Joey had given him had a little handkerchief stuck in the breast pocket, and he pulled it out to wipe at his nose. When he looked at it, spreading across the white cloth, he felt the room close in, and the lights darken. If not for a particularly large jolt that nearly threw him into the wall, Vinnie was sure he had been about to pass out.

“Face?”

“I’m going.”

There was no one in the hall as he came out of the utility room. No one walking between the trains. No one coming in or out of the bathrooms of the party car. This little excursion had been unplanned, yes, but seemed to have corrected itself nicely with no-

Where was he where was that guy did he go past me did he go he did go past me when did he go past past me ten minutes ago ten at least he wasn’t in the bathroom not in the bathroom where was he

The short man with the diamonds. He’d brushed up against him, the inch of skin between his glove and his sleeve touching the man’s shoulder as he brought his hand up to tuck the handkerchief back in the pocket.

A security guard he hadn’t clocked before. Vinnie managed not to freeze, to keep walking, to not look behind.

“Guys,” he said, his voice tight as a wire. “I think I’ve been made.”


Previous Next


Slow Burn

Ella turns around and sees Dean on the other side of the party, drinking a martini and talking to someone. He’s as handsome as ever, his brown hair brushed back and the physique of his arms trying to burst through his shirtsleeves and those eyes. Even from across the room she can see the way his green eyes sparkle and the way they crinkled when he laughs. Ella pushes the olives around in her own martini and watches him.

Wait, watches him? Woman, what are you doing? Why is she not going to talk to him? She’s going to burst into flames right here just looking at him, and look at this asshole he’s talking to. Some nerd from work who will obviously bow out of the conversation when you strut over in that stunning red dress and those shoes, oh my God, you have to tell me where you got them later, but for now, go talk to Dean.

No, she’s still standing there. She’s nervous about going over there and talking to him for some reason. El, I’m telling you right now, he’s into you, girl, so get it. No? Just going to sip your martini and wait for him to notice you? Yeah, no, fine. Do that. Very twenty-first century. Girl power.

Oh, wait, Dean notices her!

He sees Ella watching and gives her one of those enchanting smiles of his, the kind of smile that could melt the black off a crow. He pats his work nerd buddy on the arm and steps around him. As he crosses the party a few people try to get him to stop and chat, including a few other women, but he only has eyes for Ella.

Which I already said, but whatever.

“Fancy meeting you here,” Dean says. He holds his martini out for a toast and it takes Ella an unbearably long time to figure it out. She stares at it for three or four seconds, the longest three or four seconds of my life. When she finally figures it out she gives his glass just the tiniest amount of clink with her own and then they sip, never taking their eyes off each other. It is incredibly hot.

“Couldn’t really turn down an invite from the president of the company,” Ella says. “Had to check out what his place looked like.”

“I was curious myself,” Dean says, looking around the ridiculous mansion. Look, I’m kind of obsessed with this relationship so I don’t really want to take a lot of time going into detail about this house, but trust me when I tell you it is a fucking farce. Exactly the kind of thing morons with hundred of millions of dollars spend their money on. A brief example: if you sit on the guest toilet (the kind from Japan that has a seat warmer and sings a song when it flushes) on the second floor you have a panoramic view of Los Angeles. Utter nonsense.

Anyway, Dean turns back to Ella and say, “I was thinking there was another reason you came.”

Oh, you God damned bet. Ella was never going to come to this stupid party until she heard from Francine that she heard from David that Dean was going to go. Two hours before this party started there was an entire montage of Ella at her sister’s house trying on her dresses until she found this smokeshow hiding in the back of the closet. It was set to “Confident” by Demi Lovato and it was fun and quirky without being over-the-top twee.

Ella averts her eyes but is unable to hide the blush that comes up on her cheeks. He knows. She knows he knows. And he knows that she knows that he knows.

“The view is fantastic.”

What.

The view?

Motherfucker, you’re talking about the view? Kiss her! Kiss! Her! This is obviously what you both want!

“Maybe I could show it to you?”

Ooooooooh. Yes. Yes, I was wrong. This is better. Take her to the view. Away from the party. So much better.

Ella looks around at the people, some of whom she recognizes. Francine is across the room between the six foot tall champagne fountain and an actual living racehorse (fucking rich people) talking to Penelope from accounting, and she gives Ella a subtle thumbs up when she sees she’s talking to Dean. See. Francine gets it.

“I don’t know,” Ella says.

What the fuck do you mean you don’t know? You two are perfect for each other, I have already named all your future babies so for the love of Donna and Jessica and Little Mikey go out on the God damned balcony before I tear my fucking hair out.

“What will people think?” Ella asks.

“I doubt anyone will notice. Come on.”

Huge save by Dean there. Christ, I thought my heart was going to explode.

Thankfully, this is all the convincing Ella needs. Dean holds out his hand and after just a half second where I swear to God I thought I was going to have to go down there and physically beat the sense into the woman’s brain, Ella takes his hand and lets him lead her across the party.

Wait. They’re going upstairs. He’s not taking her to the singing toilet, is he?

Oh, no. Phew. There’s a balcony up here. The mansion sits above Los Angeles, and below them the entire city seems to twinkle just for them. Only the faintest sounds of the party make it to them through the glass doors, and Ella can smell lavender on the breeze. It’s entirely possible they’re not supposed to be up here, but they are completely alone and Ella doesn’t care.

Me neither, girl.

“Wow,” Ella breathes. “I’ve never seen the city from up here before.”

Why are you talking?

“Yes, it’s…beautiful.”

Obviously talking about Ella and not the view, but still my question remains. Why are you talking? Make out. Make out right now.

Ella instead blushes again and finishes her drink and I swear, y’all, if I was on that balcony with them I would have tossed myself over the edge by now.

Oh. My. God. Never mind. It seems Ella has finally gotten it through her thick skull that this can happen if she wants it, because using a pretense of pointing to downtown, she sidles closer to Dean. Their arms are practically touching, and I am hyperventilating.

“You can see our building from up here,” she says. She puts her arm down on the railing and her hand brushes the back of his hand.

It’s going to happen.

They’re looking into each other’s eyes. There’s smoldering, I swear to God, they both have bedroom eyes and they are finally going to get together and no one is going to be happier about it than me! Maybe Francine.

Wait.

No, wait, what’s happening?

Shit! Shit! Shit! Dean’s frowning! And now he’s pulling away from her? What? Why? Why? We were so close.

Okay, I know I’m only supposed to be in Ella’s head, but I just took a peak inside Dean’s head and you would not believe this: he’s hesitating because his divorce isn’t finalized. His divorce to a woman whose bitchiness is such a known fact there are billboards around the city calling her a monster. The woman who has been caught with other men by paparazzi no less than six times in the last four months. The woman he’s been physically separated from for almost a year. But because they haven’t fucking signed the divorce papers or whatever, this guy won’t let himself have a little happiness?

“Chilly up here,” he says, killing everyone’s mood in a three mile radius. Seriously, no one is getting any tonight.

Fuck, she’s taking it personally! She thinks this is about her! No, don’t leave! No, you guys were so close! What the fuck! What the fuck! Happiness isn’t this hard! You guys were meant for each other and you’re letting all this petty bullshit get in the way of the smooching! This little dance between these two has been going on for over a month. A month of this! Of stolen glances and blushing and turning away and saying things that might be flirty but also might not be so the other one never acts on it! I’ve never been so frustrated in my life. All I want is for these two absolute watermelons to figure it out and be happy! Be happy! It’s not that hard! Fall into each other’s arms and whisper sweet nothings and take a secret trip to some resort in Cabo where you accidentally run into Dean’s ex-wife and make her jealous so she goes out that night and bangs a male stripper and gets some aggressive STD!

You both want love so stop with the fucking excuses!

Fuck’s sake!


Shamelessly inspired by this old post:


To All The Girls I’ve Loved Before: Pacific City

Pacific City


Peggy was having a very nice dream where she was on a beach and that one actor whose name she could never remember but she never forgot his face, he was shirtless and he kept bringing her fresh glasses of Mai Tai, and it kept feeling like it might change to a sexy dream any second but even if it didn’t the Mai Tais were killer. And then her fucking phone started ringing.

She’d never gotten an answering machine because, honestly, fuck those things, and the phone just kept ringing and ringing until she finally threw back the sheet and reached for the receiver on the bedside table.

“What.”

“Jesus Christ, are you dying? What kind of noise was that?”

Peggy sat up, rubbing at her eyes. “Who is this?”

“It’s Aster. Duh.”

There was only one person who ever called this number, and that person wasn’t Aster. For a few seconds she only sat on the bed, trying to get her mind right. It was like taking a sip of what you thought was vodka but discovering it was gin. Your brain had to jump a few tracks to make the world seem okay again.

“Hello? Did you die?”

“No, I’m here. I’m…how did you get this number?”

She could practically hear Aster shrugging over the line. “I’ve got ways. Can you come down to Dinah’s?”

“I’m physically capable of coming down to Dinah’s, yes. Do I want to?”

Aster made a pfft noise. “Don’t be a bitch.” They lowered their voice, and Peggy was sure they had cupped their hand over the mouthpiece. “I’ve got a job.”

“You’re not bartending anymore?”

“No! Like…a job. For us. To work. Together. You know…a job.”

“Yeah, Aster I get it,” she said, pulling her hand through her hair.

It had been three weeks since they had killed that vampire behind the Thorny Crown, and not once did Peggy think Aster had actually dropped this. Because Aster brought it up every time Peggy came into Dinah’s. The books they had bought. The books they were now reading. That they hadn’t found anyone who needed their help yet, but they were looking! Peggy’s only hope was that Aster would never find anything, but it had never been more than that. Hope. Because Peggy knew what was out there, and knew someone as determined as Aster would eventually find it.

“Do I have to threaten my own safety again to get you down here?”

“No, no, I’m coming, give me half an hour. Fuck, you’re annoying.”

“Love you, too.”

Dinah’s did a sing-a-long brunch on Sundays, but it was Wednesday, so when Aster let her in a little before eleven most of the lights were off and the chairs were on the tables. All except one, up by the stage, where a miserable looking man and a waif of a woman with a bright pink pixie cut was sitting side by side.

“Where have you been?” Aster asked as they ushered Peggy in. They were wearing typical Aster attire, purple slacks and a boxy, floral shirt with suspenders. “You said half an hour.”

Peggy held up her large plastic cup and shook it around so the ice shimmied. “Needed coffee.”

Aster made a face. “Please tell me you’re going to take this seriously.”

“As seriously as it needs to be taken.”

“Peggy, seriously-”

“No, you seriously,” Peggy said, pointing at them. “I told you this isn’t what I do. If you want to, fine. I’m just here to make sure you don’t get yourself killed in the process.”

Aster considered this, a hand on their hip. “Fine. I’ll take what I can get. Just…be nice.”

“I’m always nice.”

Aster suppressed a laugh as they led Peggy over to the table.

“This is Peggy,” Aster said as they sat down. “Peggy, this is Maria, and her brother Mario.”

Peggy raised her eyebrows. “Let me guess. Twins?”

Maria rolled her eyes as she crossed her arms. “Fraternal. Didn’t hold Mom back, any. Dressed us in matching outfits until eighth grade.”

As she talked, Peggy found Maria incredibly expressive. Her nicely shaped eyebrows moved in time to her words, and even as her arms were crossed she was still moving her shoulders, shifting her weight, even cracking a knuckle. Meanwhile Mario, next to her, still sat with a glum expression, only staring at the table.

“Maria, tell Peggy what’s been going on,” Aster said, patting a hand on the table.

Maria looked Peggy over, her eyebrows making the arcs that said she wasn’t sure Peggy was actually going to believe anything she had to say. She looked at her brother, and then at Aster, who nodded. With a shrug, Maria threw her hands up.

“Basically, my brother has been cursed.”

Peggy tried very hard to keep her face neutral.

“Cursed?”

“I’m a very spiritual person,” Maria said, moving her hands around. “And I could just tell something was very wrong with his aura. It’s…how do I put this in words…it’s chipped? Shredded? Something is there, surrounding him and damaging it. Like a cheese grater.”

Peggy nodded. “He’s been cursed with a cheese grater?”

Maria glared at her while Aster kicked her under the table. Peggy stayed still, trying not to give Aster the satisfaction of shouting.

“That’s just what his aura feels like, okay? The curse…well, once I saw it…once you see it you can’t deny he’s cursed.”

Peggy looked around the table. Maria and Aster shared roughly the same expression, waiting for Peggy to do the obvious thing. Mario still sat there, hands in front of him, glancing at her or his sister every so often. Peggy sucked on her straw and shrugged.

“Okay, then. What’s going on?”

Maria nudged Mario. “Go on. It’ll be okay.”

Mario shook his head.

“I know, but you have to show her so she can help. Just something small, that’s all you have to do.”

Mario sighed, and Peggy leaned back, wondering what the fuck was about to happen. He looked up at her, and opened his mouth.

“Hello.”

One of the light bulbs over the bar exploded, showering glass down, making Maria yelp and Peggy ducked. Aster turned and groaned.

“Not the cocktail fruit! Man, I’m going to have to replace all of that.”

Peggy looked back at Mario and Maria.

“This happens every time he talks?”

Maria shook her head. “Not this, exactly. Just…something bad. Like, okay, he realized something was wrong when he was talking to someone on an elevator and it…snapped and fell. Just a couple of stories, everyone was okay! Only then, when he was telling me about that happening, there was a car accident right in front of us. And then when we were yelling about that happening, a manhole cover exploded out of the street and hit a fire hydrant and there was water everywhere.”

Peggy put a hand on her cheek as she considered. She wasn’t too well versed in curses, but this seemed to have the makings of one. She hoped it wasn’t, for Mario’s sake, but something terrible happening every time he opened his mouth?

“Yeah, that sounds like a curse.”

Yes,” Aster said, pumping their fist. They looked up to see everyone staring at her, and they cleared their throat and put their hands in front of them. “I’m terribly sorry for your misfortune.”

Maria held her hand out. “So? What do we do about it?”

Peggy looked at Aster. Who looked back at Peggy, harder. Slowly, Peggy realized that she was supposed to be the one with the answer. Curses…what the fuck do I know about curses?

“Curses are really hateful things,” she said slowly. “No one’s laying down the energy for a curse without a reason. I guess…we need a list of everyone you might have pissed off recently.”

Maria snorted. “Well, that’s just going to be a list of his exes. What? You’re terrible at breaking up with people, that’s not my fault.”

Once they had written down a bordering-on-long list of names and addresses, Aster promised them they’d be in touch shortly and shuttled them out the front door. They turned back to Peggy, leaning against the bar and looking over the names.

“So, that’s a job, right? You weren’t just saying that to get them to leave? He’s actually cursed? Please please tell me that we actually have a job right now.”

Peggy sipped at her coffee, pulling in the dregs with that crackly empty sound before tossing the cup into the garbage can behind the bar.

“We have a job.”


Previous Next


Henry, Thea: A Biddies and Broken Hearts Story

The Biddies and Broken Hearts


In the Before Times (something he always called it in his head but never out loud, at least not since that one time he said it and Doc Wendy looked like she’d take his head off) Henry had never been an early riser. His parents, his bosses, his professors, his coaches, they had all tried all sorts of crazy things to get him somewhere on time before ten o’clock. Alarms that were loud enough to tear a hole in his eardrum. Alarms that required he solve a math problem or a puzzle before they shut up. Cold buckets of water. Nothing ever worked for long. Henry just loved his sleep.

Now, in the…whatever time this was, he hadn’t given it a name, really, but now in this time he was sitting on the front porch of the Holly Biddy watching the dawn creep in. Spring in the mountains meant cool afternoons and freezing nights, and he was bundled up in a couple of sweaters and a blanket and watching as his breath came out in white puffs. The cold he could handle. The early morning, once his most hated enemy, he had come to love.

Because of the quiet.

Sleeping inside, spread across three rooms, were five kids. Two ten-year-olds, an eight, a six, and a three. Turns out, when all other alarms fail, half a softball team’s worth of kids who were all into Competitive Screaming will wake you up real fudging fast.

He was only nineteen when the Blues fudged it all up. Home from his freshman year of college, which, thanks to a combination of exhausting practices and underage drinking, he barely remembered anything of. Baseball scholarship. He’d really thought he’d go pro. Maybe he would have.

Mayby’s, as he often told his kids, were for babies.

They lived in Lakewood, so close to Denver they could hear the roars from the football stadium when the wind was right, so there was really no hiding. Maybe his sister had picked it up at cheer camp. Both his parents worked in the city, it could have been either of them. Or it could have been him, he was always taking the train to see a friend out in Golden. The two-week incubation period meant total anonymity. No blame for anyone.

He’d been one of the lucky. Stupid name, really. He’d had to sit there and watch as the same disease that had given him a fever and a headache for less than a week came back for his family and tore through them like they were made of pipe cleaners and tissue paper.

After it seemed like the whole world was dead and there was no reason to stay in the house and every reason to get out, he began walking around his town. Then the neighboring town. He was in the next town over when he heard what at first sounded like the cries of a small dog riding the wind. But as he walked he realized that it was a human, and it was a baby, and even though he knew nothing about babies or even how he was going to take care of himself, he followed the cries to the front door of Sunshine Daycare, a two story blue building with a yellow door and a huge playground in the back. The front door was unlocked and if the baby wasn’t crying on the second floor he would have run from that place and never stopped, at least until the sight of the dead in that first room was erased from his mind. There were eight dead on the floor, and if you added up the ages of the first seven it would be less than the age of the eighth, and the eighth looked barely out of college.

But the wails of the child were coming down the staircase in front of him and maybe the baby heard him because they seemed to get louder so up he went. The stairs were painted primary colors and the wall next to him painted blue with white clouds and he imagined the desired effect was to feel he was climbing a rainbow. At the top of the stairs he found a closed door. The baby cried behind it. The door said ‘Infants.’ And for the first, only, and last time, Henry thought about leaving Thea behind. He knew what he would find behind that door. The word on the door was plural but he could only hear one crying and he wasn’t sure he could take it, he was surrounded by death, he could smell it everywhere he went, but if just left he wouldn’t have to see it, he could go somewhere, anywhere, else.

The baby wailed and Henry heard his mother telling him to suck it up and he pulled at the handle and pushed open the door and kept his eyes to floor until he found the crib that was making the noise and dared to look. He knew it was a girl because she was wearing a pink jumper. She had dark brown skin and light brown eyes and a mess of black hair and he didn’t know babies but he could tell she was a little too thin but her lungs were still healthy because she was starting to hurt his ears.

“Hey…hey…baby,” he said. “God, I sound like I’m hitting on someone.”

The baby wailed louder. He picked the baby up, hoping maybe all the baby needed was to be held; that usually helped on TV. But the baby just kept crying and crying. For a few seconds he froze, holding a crying baby like he was holding a football, and then, over the shoulder of the baby, he saw a box of diapers sitting on a counter and he realized what he had to do. But he had no idea how to do it and became deathly afraid that he was going to do it wrong and the baby was going to get infected and it would be another dead baby.

There, on the other side of the counter, was a worn and beaten book covered in stains that promised to teach morons how to take care of babies. Desperate and unable to take the baby’s screams anymore, he put her down on the counter and flipped to a chapter that outlined changing a diaper in ridiculously minute steps.

It took him fifteen minutes and he had to go through three different diapers and an entire container of wipes, but by the time he had finished she had stopped wailing. She still made sniffles and was still clearly unhappy but at least he could think again.

He flipped farther through the book and found how to give a baby a bottle. The electricity was still on (it would survive for another three weeks) and he found a bottle in the door of the fridge. He almost stuck it in the microwave before the book told him not to and just fed it to her cold. She killed the bottle and belched and then the baby was asleep in his arms and he didn’t know what to do. That is until he looked around him and realized that at the very least he could get the hell out of there and figure out the next step later.

“Hiya, Henry.”

He realized he’d been watching Birdie walk toward him all this time without really seeing her.

He smiled at her as she climbed the stairs of the porch. “Hey, Bird. Sorry. I was out of it.”

Birdie shrugged. “Haven’t had that first cup yet?”

He chuckled. It had only recently become funny again to joke about coffee. Now that none of them could really remember the taste.

Birdie leaned against the railing. “Kids asleep?”

“For a few more minutes, anyway. What about you? Where’s your shadow?”

She raised any eyebrow. “Is that what people are calling him?”

“I don’t know about people,” Henry said, avoiding the answer. He ran a hand over his face, the rasp over his hair making him shiver. “How’s he doing? Better, I assume, since he isn’t here.”

“He was still sleeping.”

“What if he wakes up?”

“He won’t freak out or anything. He’ll just stay in our room until I come back.”

“Cool, cool. Birdie?”

“Yeah?”

“Kind of sort of feels like you want something.”

Birdie smiled at him and shuffled her coat around in front of her. The sun was finally coming up behind her and it was warming up fast. The little puffs of breath in front of them were fading to afterthoughts.

“What gave it away?” she asked.

“That it’s six in the morning, my guy. I’m usually the only one up. Well, sometimes I can see Myra up in her window, staring at me, but time doesn’t seem to have any meaning for the woman.”

Birdie crossed the porch and sat down in the rocking chair next to his. “How do you do it?”

“What, wake up at the butt crack of dawn?”

“No.” She gestured toward the house. “Take care of the kids.”

Henry gaped at her before slowly putting a hand over his still open mouth. “Birdie Godzilla Brownhair, are you coming to me for advice on what to do with Z…June?”

“Did you just full name me without knowing my name?”

“I do it all the time with the kids. They think it’s hilarious. And,” he interrupted her with a hand up, “Before you say anything else, I do not have any advice for you.”

“Why not? How? You’re successfully raising five kids-”

“Is that what it looks like from the outside?” He sat back. “That’s kind of a relief, actually. It doesn’t feel that way. Honestly, Birdie, you know what it feels like? It feels like trapped in a house with a bunch of hyperactive kittens. And they’re all balancing on spinning plates. You know, with the music going and everything. But they’re also all running around, somehow, and I constantly have to keep them rounded up and fully cleaned and dressed and get whatever it is they found out of their mouths, and if I even look at them wrong I’m going to fuck them up so bad, for the rest of their life, they’ll need therapy. But, hey, guess what? There aren’t therapists anymore, so, good luck, kids.”

Henry let out a soft giggle before running his fingers through his hair.

“Jesus, Henry.”

“No, it’s okay. I’m okay.”

“I mean…are you?”

Henry looked around at the rest of the Biddies, all quiet and sleeping. Myra in her attic prison. Marietta getting ready to walk the fields. John sleeping off the couple glasses of scotch he thinks no one knows about.

“Are any of us? Whatever level of ‘okay’ everybody else is, I’m there, too. And please, don’t think…I love them, okay? I love all five of them. It physically hurts me sometime, like I actual get some kind of weird ache right here, when I’m trying to sleep I’m just thinking of all the goofy shit they did that day. But…when they piss me off? Or tire me out? All I can think is, ‘I’m twenty-two. I’m supposed to be drunkenly bringing home one night stands, not be the only human standing between five other tiny humans and their ugly deaths.’ Oh, hey, you want advice? Someday, you’re going to want to push him out of a window. Don’t.”

“Any tips on how not to?”

“I find going into a dark closet and screaming into a body pillow very soothing. You just…see, you just hold it horizontal, and you take one end in each hand, like this, and then you…you just wrap it, just wrap it around you head, all the way around.”

Birdie was laughing behind a hand, and Henry could feel the knot between his shoulders relaxing. He’d come too close, that time, to thinking thoughts he’d successfully avoided for three years.

“Dad?”

Standing in the crack of the front door, rubbing at his eye, was Liam.

“Good morning, buddy. Are the others awake.”

Liam shrugged the way kids do, bringing up his shoulders all the way to his ears and dropping them so dramatically you’d think the world was ending. Again. Henry gestured for him and Liam padded across the deck in cold feet.

“You’re going to freeze your toes off. Say hi to Birdie.”

“Hi. Where’s Zombie Man?”

Birdie gaped at Liam, and then turned her gaze to Henry.

“Oh, look, a kitten just fell off a plate.”


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The Horizon Zero Dawn Blanket: Free Heap and Pitchcliff

The HZD Blanket


Let’s start with the Spoiler Chocobo for anyone who didn’t see the Sony State-of-Play for Horizon Forbidden West and wants to keep their minds pure or whatever.

Kweh.

I can’t believe I went off on a whole bullet-pointed rant on how Erend would be a great fit for Aloy, and then two days later and a day before the thing is published Sony releases footage of Horizon Forbidden West and Erend is there (!) and he has no eyebrows (!!).

Okay, fine. He has eyebrows. Sort of. They are very faint. Like someone spent his teen years in the nineties thinning out those eyebrows because that was the cool look then and now they don’t grow in anymore. Like someone was enjoying a little too much scrappersap (Oseram moonshine) around the forge fire. Like someone wasn’t paying attention to their surroundings and walked face-first into a bellowback. Or, I don’t know, have you ever seen those videos (there are so many why are so many men doing this) of guys lighting a roman candle and then putting it the front of their jeans so they can live out their dreams of having an Explosion Dick or whatever and then the obvious happens and the roman candle ends up pointing directly into their face?

I love the man, but he drinks heavily.

There’s a healthy amount of videos and articles out there highlighting things people are excited about from this new gameplay footage, so to avoid piling on I’m going to talk about something that grabbed my interest and doesn’t seem to be getting much discussion.

The Tenakth

Besides the five main tribes Aloy interacts with in the game, there are two other tribes that get brief mentions. There are the Utaru, who seem like a mild bunch living a grain-based life in what used to be Nebraska and Kansas and mostly keeping to themselves. And then there’s the Tenakth.

Yeah, this is going to go well.

Based on Horizon Zero Dawn I was under the assumption that the Tenakth were solely from Arizona, which made a lot of fucking sense. The Carja consider the Tenakth to be brutal and aggressive, and this is coming from a tribe that spent ten years pre-game raiding all the other tribes for blood sacrifices. Basically, imagine if a bunch of coked-up Arizona State football players went crazy and decided to take over the entire college through nothing but brute force and biting. Then, they decided they needed to add to their tribe, so they just started raiding local middle schools for the scariest fucking thirteen-year-olds they could find. Then they started pushing north into Utah. And let’s get one thing straight: if Arizona and Utah suddenly had to throw down, who are you putting your money on? The people who can start drinking margaritas in 104 degree heat at ten in the morning and still walk a straight line to their lifted Ford F150’s complete with truck nuts by sundown, or the people who put a beehive on their state flag and cry every time a new company puts a rainbow in their logo for a month?

The only Tenakth you get to interact with in the first game is Ullia, and this bitch only knows hardcore. She showed up in the Sundom, immediately joined a group of bandits, got arrested, tried to eat a fellow inmate’s fingers, escaped and went back to the same group of bandits to cause more mayhem. When Aloy finally shows up to kill her because the warden is like, ‘I don’t want whatever that is back in my house,’ as she’s dying she tells Aloy she’s rad and she would have taken Aloy, a fully grown woman, as her daughter and then requests Aloy drink her blood so her memory can live on. Because that’s how Tenakth roll.

Apparently, the Tenakth own most of California, too, because they showed up in this State of Play and the ruins of the Golden Gate Bridge feature heavily at one point. They appear to be a tribe you can barter with, because one of the weapons is labeled Tenakth. There are different factions, so maybe the NorCal Tenakth are more mellow than the Arizona Tenakth? And by that I mean they try to get a machine to kill you first before they just lunge straight at your intestines.

The Squares

Free Heap

As I mentioned last time, Free Heap is run by Petra Forgewoman, so I wanted this square to both represent the settlement and her. While I want most of this section of the blanket to be simple designs in shades of brown and gray/silver, I wanted the settlement squares to pop a little, either with color or design. For Free Heap, I picked this square with the red circles in the middle to represent the forge. Surrounded, of course by brown and silver.

This square is very easy to do. It uses simple stitches mixed together to make it look more intricate than it actually is. I haven’t worked in rounds much yet so this was a nice start. It turns around crocheting a square around a circle is very easy, and just a matter of crocheting chains to get the ninety-degree angle.

Pitchcliff

In The Big Book of Granny Squares (still don’t recommend it), the color scheme was white on the outside and green on the inside and it was supposed to be a shamrock. Well, no one gives a shit about shamrocks in the distant post-apocalyptic future, but this design did look like something a bored smithy or ironworker might make in a little downtime. Nothing really happens in Pitchcliff besides a Glinthawk invasion and a murder investigation, and how do you represent that in a square? I can’t crochet a dead body. Yet.

This is the most complicated square I have done yet. Again, the stitches themselves weren’t hard. What was difficult here was the loops of the ‘shamrock,’ and then the stretches connect the center circle to the outer square. Lots of filling a smallish chain space with thirty double crochets, and then lots of slip stitches and chains that then had to be crocheted into with single, double, and sometimes treble stitches. And thank God I learned how to block for a side project I was doing, because when I was done with it this thing was floppier than granny’s hat after a summer church service with no AC.

Up Next: The Banuk

Yes, that’s right, with these two settlement squares I have finished the Oseram squares and we are onto the next tribe. A tribe that doesn’t dress entirely in browns so I am very, very happy.


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Bullshit

“Do you know what my first thought was, entering that trailer?” Rebekah asked. She took a quick sip of her beer and held up her hand. “I mean, after the screaming and confusion. My first real thought, looking at the scene.”

Asche shrugged and leaned back in his chair. He expected some kind of platitude, the kind that was supposed to make the terrible feel like the mundane. Something that would make them okay with the idea that they had failed, and because of it people had died.

Instead, Rebekah said, “Bullshit.”

Asche creased his brow. “Bullshit?”

“Bullshit,” Rebekah said with a nod. She spread out her arms. “I looked at what was before me, and I declared bullshit.”

“I didn’t want to believe it, either,” Asche said, rubbing at the back of his neck. “No one wants to believe it when they see it.”

“True. But it wasn’t that I didn’t want to believe it. It was that I didn’t believe it. At all.”

Asche frowned. Swallowed. Tried to keep his voice even as he spoke. “You…mean…you think they’re still alive?”

Rebekah gave an unfunny chuckle. “No. I understand that they’re dead. But I don’t believe the circumstances surrounding it. Sweet little Daphne, killing her mother and then herself?”

“Daphne was a monster.”

“No, she sometimes turned into a monster. Not her fault.”

Asche sat forward and leaned his elbows on his knees. “She was…desperate. Afraid.”

“No, she was desperate and afraid. And even then, she wasn’t that. At that point in time, after we had been there, she had hope. There was a chance she was going to be okay. So why kill herself? And Winona? Bullshit.”

Asche sat back again, drumming his fingers on the arm of the chair.

“If she didn’t do it, then who do you think did?” he asked.

Rebekah made a queer smile. For the first time since the conversation had turned this way she moved, leaning forward herself and finishing her beer.

“Well, I think it was you,” she said.

Asche’s face dropped into shock. “You think I…me…how could you think that?”

“It would have had to have been someone who knew what Daphne was, and at that time it was just the five of us in that trailer. I didn’t do it, Tyler wouldn’t slap the mosquito that bit him, and I’ve already established my ‘bullshit’ theory on the killer being either of those two. That just leaves you.”

“No, Rebekah, this is crazy,” Asche said. “Why would I have? How could I possibly?”

“Because you’re a hunter,” Rebekah said. “You’ve been a hunter longer than I’ve known you. Not only that, you were working with Les, who took the opportunity of me not knowing you from Adam to have you spy on me.”

The look of shock on Asche’s face was starting to break. It was turning into the kid caught with a hand in the cookie jar.

“See, everybody thinks Les wants me dead, which is true. Traitor, he calls me, or some fucking thing. But he doesn’t hate me. It’s not personal. To him, it’s just business. I have inhuman friends, therefore I’m one of them. Kill me. But, if he could use me to find those inhuman friends and kill them first…that’s just smart.”

“Rebekah, I don’t have any idea-”

“Cut the shit, Alexander,” Rebekah said. “You think I don’t have the resources to run a background check?”

Asche took a deep breath. He picked up his beer, studied it for a second, and then finished it, taking his time.

“You’re right,” Asche said. “Les doesn’t hate you. Beverly does, though. I’ve never been able to find out why.”

Rebekah smiled. “Because I’m the reason that bitch only has one eye.”

Asche raised his eyebrows. “I guess that would do it. So, what now?”

“Now, we are leaving. And by ‘we,’ I mean myself and Tyler. You are going to stay right here until morning, at which point you are going to slink off to Les, who I imagine isn’t that far off, and tell him you got found out.”

“What makes you think I’ll just sit here until morning?” Asche asked.

Rebekah looked over his shoulder. Three of the owner’s sons had come in quietly, and were sitting at the bar. One of them nodded at him.

“About a year and a half ago I ended up in a standoff in this very bar with those very men against a couple of pissed off revenants. If it wasn’t for me, this whole place would have burned, them with it. They owe me a favor. Frankly, asking them to keep you here for a few hours is letting them off light.”

“Why don’t you just kill me?” he asked.

Rebekah rolled her eyes as she stood up. “You hunters think death is just the solution to everything, don’t you? ‘Kill them all, let God sort it out.’”

She threw a bit of money down on the table between them, nodded one last time to the men sitting at the bar, and headed for the door.

“Life is more complicated than that, Asche. Don’t let Les tell you different.”


The Horizon Zero Dawn Blanket: Oseram Arrow Breaker

The HZD Blanket


You know what would be great? A release date for Horizon Forbidden West so I could have a real deadline for this blanket. On the other hand, that would be terrible, because then I would have a real deadline for this blanket. Anyway, here’s my prediction: if we don’t get a release date at Sony’s next State of Play, we’re not getting the game until 2022.

Anyway, let’s dive right in with some…

Observable Oseram

Olin

He’s not always making this face but it sums up his personality pretty well

Olin is the first Oseram and potentially the first not-Nora Aloy has ever met in her life, so of course he seems to be a part of some shady plot to kill her for Reasons. When they meet they both are wearing Focuses, the little triangle of old-world technology at their ears, and they each are shocked the other has it. Aloy, because she didn’t know there were other Focuses, and Olin because he knows damn well that a normal Nora wouldn’t have gone near the site Aloy found it if All-Mother herself were in there knitting everyone spear cozies.

As I mentioned last time, the Nora and the Oseram are different in practically every way, so having Aloy first meet an Oseram is like the world’s way of saying, ‘Yeah, hi. So these people you grew up with? Not the only people. In fact, meet these people! They’re fun! They dig for technology and drink a lot and don’t even know the definition of ‘outcast’ let alone approve of doing it to a baby! You’ll love them!’

And, in fact, she does love them, but not Olin. Olin is important to get Aloy to the next plot point, and not much else. Luckily, mere minutes after she meets Olin, she meets another Oseram.

Erend

There is, thankfully, no relationship arc in Horizon Zero Dawn. That doesn’t stop every other person Aloy meets from hitting on her. Olin didn’t hit on her at all, so here’s Erend to bat clean-up.

Full Disclosure: My husband and I have a continuing argument about who Aloy would actually choose to date. We both have our favorites. Mine is Erend. Let me lay it out:

  1. He starts out wicked scuzzy, obviously hitting on Aloy just because she’s attractive and he thinks she’ll be into him just because he’s from the Big City (Meridian), but as the story progresses lust turns to genuine attraction until he’s almost a puppy begging for attention.
  2. He’s a himbo, and no, I will not broach disagreement on this subject. I will explain:
    1. He’s not beefy in the overly muscular Ventura-beach way, but he is that kind of Strong-Man hefty where you just know there’s an eight-pack hidden under that gut.
    2. He’s not exactly stupid, but he ain’t exactly strategizing either. His sister was fucking the Carja king the entire time they were all best buds and he never cottoned on.
    3. Thanks to his sister, Ersa, he’s been chugging the Respect Women juice since he was a little baby Oseram with a leather diaper and a moonshine bottle. When he realizes Aloy’s Focus helps her see things he can’t, instead of demanding the Focus he begs him to help her. He always at least listens to her suggestions, and by the end of the story he’s willingly following her into a battle he doesn’t completely understand. But not because he’s still trying to get into her pants. Because he does understand it’s the right thing to do.
  3. On top of the usual leather and steel all Oseram wear, he also has this orange neckerchief going, and his shirt has stripes, so I have to imagine that by Oseram standards, he’s considered a pretty boy.
  4. I think he fits well with Aloy because at this point in her life she needs somebody who just supports her without trying to make her something else at the same time. Even Rost didn’t do that. No one has done that, and now she has this Oseram Pretty Boy following her around telling her everything she does is amazing and he’s lucky just to know her. Aloy needs this kind of love, okay, I just want her to be happy.
  5. He’s also one of the few people Aloy obviously flirts back with, indicating she might be interested in trying something once she’s, you know, done saving the world. She has her priorities.
  6. Last minute edit: And now my boy’s going to be in Horizon Forbidden West? And it isn’t even my birthday!

Petra

While The Claim is actually north of the game map, thanks to the relationship between the Carja and the Oseram there are a couple of Oseram settlements in Carja territory. One of which, Free Heap, is run by Petra Forgewoman, pioneer, inventor, and my husband’s choice for Perfect for Aloy. Here’s his reasons:

  1. Petra and Aloy come from similar backgrounds. Aloy was outcast, and Petra walked away from the Claim, unwilling to become ‘Petra Forgewife.’ Basically, while Aloy left Nora territory keen to solve a mystery and willing to come back if that’s where the clues took her, Petra threw up her middle fingers and walked backwards into Carja territory, and she’s got no plans on returning unless it’s to burn everything down.
  2. She is a strong, independent woman, who doesn’t need Aloy but definitely wants Aloy. The difference is important. Petra seems to have her life figured out, and isn’t after Aloy because she thinks Aloy is going to fill some gap. I don’t think Erend is trying to use Aloy to fill some gap, at least not consciously, but another one of the people going after Aloy practically says that part out loud. Aloy definitely has enough going on in her life that she doesn’t need to be someone’s crutch.
  3. I think Aloy flirts back with Petra, but mostly she’s too busy being shocked at Petra’s steel balls.

Gera

Gera is a very minor character who gives you a single side quest to find her waylaid husband, Kendert, and I love them both so much I honestly want a whole television show about the two of them running their bar in Hunter’s Gathering.

And Then There’s This Asshole

I don’t remember his name, but I remember he’s gross.

The Square

As with the Sparkworker, I am once again going for something incredibly simple. Initially I had an entirely different design going for this square, a corner out design that would have been half brown, half gray to represent the shirt. Only I happened to take another look at the outfit and

There isn’t a shirt. This outfit is all leather, bay-bee. So, I unraveled that square and went to work on the new design to represent the steel worked into the leather skirt in the Heavy version of the outfit.

For the inside square I used back and forth rows, and then I crocheted the silver and the last row of brown around the square. I used Chocolate for the brown and Silver for the…silver…to make these squares stand out a bit from the Oseram Sparkworker. Color-wise, I mean. These are already going to stand out because these squares are a normal size and the Sparkworkers are for your Ultra Heavy days.

My husband saw this and said, ‘This is going to be a weird blanket.’

Part of the reason it took so long to get through eight squares is, what else, Life Stuff. But the other part is that I’m still trying to get through the 65 black granny squares for the negative spaces of the map:

Adorable Pilgrim salt and pepper shaker for size reference.

Next, I’ll be working on the individual squares for Free Heap and Pitchcliff, and then I will finally be free of these brown-based squares and onto something with a little color in them. I don’t even like the color brown. There has been so much of it. It’s all I can see. I just want to see anything else. A green. A yellow. Even a somber puce. Please release me from the brown-lined prison.

Can’t wait!


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Writing Tips for Beginners, From a Long-Time Amateur

Let’s Get the One I Hate Hearing Out of the Way First – Just Write

Yeah, super hate hearing this one all the time. But it’s true, and that makes me hate it even more. God, it just sounds so…so…smug. Like, I immediately want to react with that Spongebob Meme: jUsT wRiTe. Like, I’m asking you for tangible tips, things I can put into a checklist and tick off as I go, and your best and first tip is to just write a lot? Thanks for nothing, every author ever.

Okay, ultimately the ‘just write and write a lot’ people have a good point, as I went over in my pots post, but you know who can really fuck off? The people who are like, “You have to write Every Day! At least fifteen minutes! At least one hundred words! Every day, you must sit doWN AND WRITE SOMETHING EVERY FUCKING DAY OF YOUR LIFE OR THE WORD DEMONS SHALL COME FORTH FROM THEIR MUDDY HOLES AND BEGIN TO REND FLESH.”

No, fuck off. If I get mad at the ‘just write’ folks than at least I can recognize that’s a me problem. But these ‘write every day’ fuckers? I get where they’re coming from, but to me it just smacks of someone who has never held down a job with irregular hours. I was a nurse for seven years. I worked three overnight 12-hour shifts a week for five years, and four ten hour shifts a week for two. Do you have any idea how dog-tired I was after those shifts? Or after sleeping all day? I took up crocheting as a hobby and some nights I was too tired to do that, let alone trying to make the words go. Shifts like that, especially with a customer service aspect, aren’t just physically exhausting. They drain you mentally and emotionally, as well, and if you come home from eight to twelve hours of that shit and don’t feel like putting the pen to the paper you shouldn’t feel bad about it. What you should do is…

Make A Schedule…Wait.

No.

Quick Aside.

Maybe Go See a Doctor

(I am not a doctor, and I am especially not your doctor. If any of the following story sounds familiar to you, discuss with your known physician in a calm manner. Definitely do not kick down their door and demand shit because a writer on the internet told you you were dying.)

As I said, I did night shifts for five years. I worked with nurses who had been doing their whole career on nights, decades of it, and I still don’t know how because five years destroyed me. It took a year after I switched to days to feel even close to normal. But my point…

Here, let me tell you a story.

I had to get a physical for nursing school and went to a CVS Minute Clinic because I was a broke-ass student in America so of course I didn’t have a primary. This doctor mentions offhand she thinks my thyroid feels larger than it should be and I should get labs done with my non-existent primary doctor. Which I do – once I get a primary doctor three and half years later after I have job and full healthcare again. I’d dragged my feet so at this point I’d been doing nights for three years. I told my doctor what this other provider had said, she was skeptical because I denied symptoms but we were doing blood work anyway so fuck it. Low and behold, my thyroid labs come back wacky. This is the conversation I had with my doctor:

Her: You said you didn’t have any symptoms. Do you ever feel overly tired? Fall asleep during the day? Slow metabolism? Feel like you’re in a brain fog?

Me: Yeah. All the time. I work night shifts.

Her: Ah.

Working nights had totally masked all of my symptoms. Three days on proper medication and it was like I was a new person. I had all this energy and mental clarity back that I didn’t even know I’d been missing.

Why am I telling this story?

Because for a full year prior to that I’d been struggling to write. Couldn’t make myself do it. I figured it was just because I had started nursing on a super crappy/borderline dangerous unit and just didn’t have any of the energies needed. But a couple of weeks after I started medication I began writing regularly again and I haven’t stopped since. The timing is too perfect for me to feel like it was a coincidence.

There are a lot of conditions, both physical and mental, besides an underperforming thyroid that can affect mentation, so if you’re really struggling to create something, struggling even more than you think your current situation can account for, it wouldn’t hurt to see a doctor to find out if something completely fixable is holding you back.

(Also, you should be seeing a doctor regularly anyway because preventative care can be cheaper than emergent care, sometimes to the tune of thousands of dollars, okay, enough medical talk, sorry.)

Where Was I Going Before This? Oh, Yeah. Make A Schedule and Keep It

When I was nursing, I wasn’t able to write every day. But I could write on my days off, and that’s what I did. Three days a week, as soon as I was up, I would write two thousand words. Vacations and holidays I’d take off. And that time I got H1N1 and thought my brain was going to explode out of my sinus. Otherwise, every day started off with me writing. In the morning, because I knew if I put it off to the end of the day I’d come up with excuses.

Obviously, your schedule can vary, but I think setting a schedule and sticking with it is way more important – and, you know, feasible – than trying to write every day.

Before You Write, Set the Mood

Clear your space. Get your computer or your pen and paper ready. Put on whatever music you like to write to, or do what you have to to achieve total silence. Light a scented candle or some incense. Whatever you do, do the same thing every time you prepare to write, because then you’re brain is like, oh, shit, we’re gonna do the thing with the words now and will shift into the proper gear.

Video Game Music and Theme Park Music Make Excellent Background Music.

Both types of music work for the same exact reasons: they’re designed to play in the background without drawing too much attention, but also designed to keep you motivated and moving. I find most of these on YouTube, especially the theme park music loops (Confession: I am a Disney Adult). I also super enjoy z3n Pnk’s channel, where he just plops a video game character somewhere and records the music and ambient noises. Whenever I’m working on my fantasy western novel, I put up one of his Red Dead Redemption 2 videos and just let it play with headphones on.

When Writing a First Draft, Do Whatever You Have to to Keep Writing

The point of the first draft isn’t for it to be great or pretty or even readable. The point is just getting your first draft to exist, so do whatever you fucking have to to get to the ending. All of the fancy writing rules you learned get tossed. Use cliches. Let your characters sound samey. Don’t know what to call the city your characters are walking in? Call it NEW CITY and move on with your writing, you can dedicate time to picking something later. I have been fully stuck at how to end a scene, but knew exactly what happens in the next scene, so I’ve just written

[characters find clever way out of mess]

And moved on.

Just get your first draft written and sweat the details later. The truth is, even if you think you know what your book is about, you don’t until you write it. Then you read what you wrote and you realize, wait, this is actually about this other thing. And you tailor it to fit that thing, and it’s better. It’s the pots all over again, babe – you can sit around daydreaming about all the fun and clever things in your novel, but you won’t actually know if they’ll work or not until you write the damn thing.

But Before You Do That, Though, You Should Decide Between ‘Plotting’ and ‘Pantsing’

This may take some trial and error. I wrote the first draft of my novel by ‘the seat of my pants,’ and, honestly, I’m not going to do that again because I had so much structural work to do before I could even get to the finer edits. It was like another six to eight months of work I might have been able to avoid with even just some basic outlining in the beginning. Didn’t work for me, and I’ve plotted out the next two books I’m working on. But it might work for you! Everyone is different, and you just need to keep trying different things until something works.

Why Should I Even Listen to You?

You shouldn’t. As I have said before, I am not your supervisor. But every writer, at a certain point, just starts unapologetically spewing out writing tips like a busted fire hydrant, so here I am.

Besides, as I said above, everyone is different. Every tip I just listed could work for you. Every tip I just listed could be the dumbest shit you’ve ever heard. The hard truth is that there is no checkable list for a writer to follow to finish their work. You just have to get advice from every source you can and figure out what works for you.

Oh, and One More Thing

Yes, I made this in Paint. No, I’m not taking constructive criticisms.

To Prove The Human Spirit

President Goodman, a good man, indeed, although easily steered into bad decisions, had a few minutes before the eggheads from Global Health Counsel came in with their report, so he was staring out the window behind his desk and tossing one of his kids’ fabric toys back and forth between his hands. It was a round ball filled with smaller plastic balls and shaped like an owl, something his kid had begged for at the gift shop at the zoo and then forgot all about a few days later. It rankled him, thinking about it. It wasn’t the money. The thing had cost a couple bucks and he was the president for hell’s sake. He thought Judy gave in to the kids demands too much. Spoiling them. The last thing he needed on the world stage was to raise spoiled kids.

Outside, the setting sun was casting long shadows across the Capitol lawn. Kentucky Bluegrass he’d had installed after he’d been elected, and never mind the cost. The people needed to see leadership had everything in control, down to the smallest blades of grass. Plus, he just loved the smell.

The holochat on his desk made its beeping noise. If he turned around he’d see the face of his secretary, Randal, hovering next to his terminal.

“Dr. Chaney here for the six o’clock,” he said.

Last meeting, then finally some dinner. He dropped the owl ball into a desk drawer and stood up to button his suit coat.

“Send them in.”

When he heard Randal say ‘Dr. Chaney,’ he assumed that was shorthand for ‘Dr. Chaney and the rest of the Global Health Counsel.’ So, even after Dr. Chaney had walked in and closed the door behind her, President Goodman still stood behind his desk waiting for the rest of the scientists. It was supposed to be six of them – the entire Counsel. Instead, Dr. Chaney came in. Closed the door firmly behind her. Went to the little red globe that kept the alcohol out of sight and helped herself to a glass of gin without bothering to wait for an invite or ask the President if he’d like one, too.

It was around the time she was putting ice in her glass that President Goodman realized no one else would be coming.

“Dr. Chaney?”

“Yeah?” she asked, pouring the gin.

“Where is the rest of the counsel?”

“Ah,” she said. She put the bottle down, meticulously placing it right back where it should be. Then closed the lid on the globe. She stared at it for a few seconds as she drank her gin. With a single finger she tried to spin it around. Of course, it wasn’t a real globe and didn’t spin. Sipping her gin, she walked around it.

“I’m beginning to sense this isn’t good news,” President Goodman said, trying to break the odd tensions that had followed the doctor in.

“No.” Dr. Chaney took another sip. “It wasn’t good news decades ago, Sam, why should it be good news now?”

This wasn’t like her. The Dr. Chaney he knew was a straight-spined, straight-laced woman. Always in her coat. Always expecting to be called Dr. Chaney, and always referring to everyone else with their titles, too. For her to be here drinking, her white hair out of its bun and hanging loosely around her shoulders, her light blue coat nowhere to be seen, and calling him ‘Sam?’ For the first time, something that felt like fear but couldn’t be began niggling at the back of his head. Couldn’t be fear. He was the President for hell’s sake.

“Dr. Chaney. Liz. Where are the rest of the counsel?”

She sat down on one of the couches in the middle of his office, half falling as she got close, and President Goodman realized this wasn’t her first drink, or her fifth.

“They are gone. Left the planet. And no,” she said, holding up her hand to stop his question. “They will not be coming back.”

Not to be deterred, President Goodman’s mouth worked around uselessly until his brain could come up with something else to ask.

“Well…where did they go?”

“The Jovian settlements, mostly. Lisel went to the Venutian Orbiter, and Deandre just,” she made a hopping hand gesture, “hop-skipped one planet over. They took their families, too.”

Goodman shook his head. “That doesn’t make any sense. That settlement is entirely untested, needs decades worth of work to start sending civilians there. They-”

The realization of what she was saying finally crashed home, and President Goodman crashed down on the other couch. Dr. Chaney raised an eyebrow at him.

“Evacuated,” President Goodman said. “You’re telling me they evacuated.”

“I would have gone, too. But I couldn’t secure enough papers for all of my family to get off together. So I had my children take the grandchildren out to Io. Myself and my husband, we’re old anyway. Maybe we die of natural causes before the planet dies of unnatural ones.”

The President thought of his children. Mel and Poet. His wife. Fear had fully bloomed in the back of his head, but he was a big strong man with big strong responsibilities. He turned fear to anger.

“This is insane. You were supposed to come here with a report. What are you saying, Liz? That the Global Health Counsel failed? Saving the planet was the entire reason the Counsel was established in the first place.”

Anger flashed in Liz’s eyes, and Sam thought finally, we can hash this out and fix it like we always do.

The anger was gone in a heartbeat, replaced by the same beaten-down emptiness she had walked in with. She went back to the globe and made two drinks, talking oh-so-casually as she did.

“Don’t tell me what the Counsel was created for, Sam Goodman. I was there when it happened. One of the original members. Nothing but a bright-eyed thirty-year-old who thought I could save the world. Ha. No, I take that scornful laugh back. I put it in the wrong place. Because I did save the world. We did. Or, at least, we figured out how. In the first five years, even. Have you ever read that report, Sam?”

He had, of course, there were certain histories a person had to read up on if they were even thinking about running for President. Could he remember it? That was the real question. For a few seconds, the answer was no. It came screaming back, and Sam screwed up his face.

“That report was…it was shut down immediately, wasn’t it? Yes, yes, I remember now. Shut down and laughed out of the office. It was too extreme, Liz. Too much, too fast.”

She handed him a glass and sat down with her own. “It wasn’t ‘too much.’ It was three things.”

“You know what I mean.”

“One, immediately stop drilling at the poles.”

“Impossible, we needed th-.”

“Two, stop producing plastics immediately and create a government agency to collect all of the plastic trash already clogging up the oceans and forests.”

“That’s really two things, and-”

“Three,” she said over him. “Stop all methane gas use and convert everything we could back to solar and wind.”

“I know what the report said!” Sam said, slamming his drink down on the table. He was offended at getting interrupted and trying to get a rise out of her. She only raised her eyebrows again, which made him angrier. “It’s all unfeasible and you know it! We have a society to run! A planet! The amount of money that would have cost-”

“You don’t have to tell me any of that,” she said, interrupting him again in the quietest voice imaginable. “I have the responses to our reports burned into my memory. We all do. That’s why the Counsel has had such a high turnover rate. Why I’m the only one to last four years, let alone four decades. New scientists fresh out of the planet’s greatest universities showed up to work the problem, only to discover that the problem already had a solution. The real problem was that no one would listen.”

“The things that report wanted the people to do weren’t tenable, Liz.” He spoke in voice that strained to yell, but he didn’t. He kept it quiet and even, trying to win the conversation back. “The cure can’t be worse than the disease.”

Liz laughed again, like she was laughing at a child sharing his bizarre reasoning for gravity. “It wasn’t the people, Sam! It was the corporations. They didn’t want their endless parade of money to stop, so they fought against it. The Counsel made concessions along the way. Less direct options with far more risk, but we thought if we made concessions we still might have a chance. You’ve read later reports, too, I assume? We said, how about five years to stop drilling? Ten years to stop making plastics and switch to recyclables? Fifteen years to get the solar panels working again? And the corporations made their promises and the government did nothing to force their hand and the deadlines went by without a single move, every time. Every time. And now we are here, Sam. The weather has gotten more extreme. Seasons are stretching or shrinking. Air quality is worse than ever. And still no one will do anything.”

It was the tone in her voice that took the anger out of him. Nothing left but fear. He took a sip of his drink, barely noticing it.

Liz leaned forward as though sharing juicy gossip. “And do you know the worst part, Sam? Strictly speaking, there’s still time. Damage has been done, yes, but if we were to implement the Counsel’s first plan, today, we could make a difference. We could change the trajectory. Keep the planet livable.”

Sam straightened his shoulders. “I’ll do it, Liz. I’ll call the chambers together, and…”

And what? He was President, yes. What direct power did that entail? He’d have to get both chambers, thousands of people, to agree. To agree to it now, not discuss and debate and fart around for years before finally coming to a vote. A vote, he saw, that would fail. He couldn’t count the number of chamber members he knew were in some corporation’s pocket or another. And those were just the ones he knew of.

She saw the look on his face and nodded. “That’s why the others left. That’s why I sent my family away. We know how to fix it. We’ve always known. What we don’t know is how to get humanity to love itself more than profits.” Liz sat back, and her voice took on a nostalgic tone. “Remember when we were young and naïve and we thought the terraformers were the cause of it all? Such a simpler time.”

Sam nodded, even though he personally didn’t. That was years before he was born. Decades. People still blamed the terraformers. They hadn’t even been on for a couple thousand years.

“We did this before, you know,” Liz said. “To Earth. You didn’t believe all that tomfoolery about coming to Mars just because we could, did you? ‘To Prove the Human Spirit,’ or whatever blah-blah they said. Did you ever wonder why we didn’t terraform Mars while we still lived on Earth? Why spend…what was it…a thousand years or so living in underground bubbles while the terraformers worked when we could have been living it up on the real thing? Because we destroyed that one, too. The reason Earth isn’t habitable isn’t a ‘scientific mystery’ like those corporation-funded schoolbooks push. It was us. Doing the same thing. I heard from Deandre after he got to the Terra Settlement, by the way. SynWave, SolTouch, IXN. They’re all there already. Trying to do enough clean up to get people there. They know they’ve killed Mars. They’re hoping to get enough of Earth safe enough to sell spaces to the rich and powerful. Same on the Jovian moons.”

Liz sighed. “It’s cheaper, I guess, to move to an entirely different planet than fix the one we’re already on. More gin?”


Every Writer Should Know the Moth Joke

On Wednesday, I told The Moth Joke and gave credit to Norm MacDonald at the bottom. The meat of the joke was all mine, but the general structure of the joke can be traced to an appearance Norm MacDonald made on one of Conan O’Brien’s shows, I think Late Night:

Okay, so to start:

Hi, Kids. If You Don’t Know Norm MacDonald, I Don’t Know How to Explain Him to You

Norm MacDonald has been a comic since the early nineties. He was on Saturday Night Live in the late nineties where you probably know him best as either the host of Weekend Update or as Burt Reynolds/Turd Ferguson on the recurring Celebrity Jeopardy bits, and then he was probably fired for telling too many OJ Simpson jokes. He’s had a few ill-fated shows here and there and has continued to do stand up and late night talk show bits. He showed up to the last episode of The Tonight Show with Conan O’Brien with a late gift basket for getting the show in the first place (and if you don’t know the drama that revolves around Conan O’Brien getting and then losing The Tonight Show, Christ Almighty I’m not getting into that right now. That shit deserves its own column). He was on The Roast of Bob Saget, a typically filthy show roasting a very filthy comic, and spent his entire set delivering the cheesiest, cleanest dad jokes he could collect.

This Nerdwriter video tries to explain him, and the only place I disagree is that Norm MacDonald clearly doesn’t give a fuck. Not giving a fuck and not caring are two different things. You have to put effort into not giving a fuck, and Norm does beautifully. He obviously does care, at all times, about the craft of writing and then telling jokes, and he cares about engaging the audience, but he doesn’t give a fuck about what jokes were expected from him or if the audience is laughing at all times. Actually, this YouTube comment, of all things, might be the simplest explanation:

Another comment further down claims that Norm stretched the moth joke out from a usual thirty seconds to the full five minutes to fill time, but I can’t find anything else to support that and I don’t know if I believe it. Because given everything else he’s done, would you really be surprised to find out he totally planned to tell a five minute joke with a stupid punchline on late night TV?

What the Moth Joke Is: Driving Tension and Bathos

Bathos: /ˈbāTHäs/ noun (especially in a work of literature) an effect of anticlimax created by an unintentional lapse in mood from the sublime to the trivial or ridiculous.

Oxford Dictionary

Generally, as a writer, you want to avoid bathos. At its core, its unintentional comedy deriving from how much your passages suck, either because your serious tone has turned lighthearted by accident, or your serious tone has turned too fucking serious. You’ve basically put in so many ridiculous metaphors, so much purple prose, so much DRAMA, that you’ve completely pulled a 180 and made your serious writing funny again. Something like this needs to be edited out – unless that’s precisely what you were going for in the first place.

I don’t know about you guys, but one of the first things I learned in my writing classes in college was that you have to learn the rules of writing so you know how to properly break them. Being unaware of bathos means you can accidentally wander into it and get mowed down. Once you know about bathos, though, it just becomes another weapon in your arsenal.

The joke uses driving tension to push the listener closer and closer to an edge, and then the bathos at the end pushes them off. The moth isn’t just randomly listing off everything that’s terrible in its life, there is a direction to it. Every piece of information is worse than the last, culminating in the moment when it reveals it has a gun next to the bed, ready to kill itself. And then…

The light was on.

Kills me every time.

Why You Should Practice Telling the Moth Joke

The tension and bathos combination is a good lesson for your writing, but I think learning to tell it is equally important.

The Moth Joke is one of my favorite jokes to tell people I have just met, up there with The Whale Joke, which is similar but different. The Whale Joke goes like this:

Two whales walk into a bar. The first whale says: [Here you begin to make whale noises. Think Dory from Finding Nemo trying to talk to the whale, but get creative with it. Pay attention to your listeners, because you are making whale noises until you see certain cues from them. You are making whale noises until they are confused. Uncomfortable. Maybe getting bored. Or angry. I like to pause long enough to make them think I’m done, but I’m only take a big breath to make more whale noises. You want to make whale noises until you are completely sure that someone is about to either walk away or hit you. Only then do you stop making whale noises.] And so, the second whale goes: [and here you take a big breath, as though you are getting ready to make another long series of whale noises, but instead, you say] Shut up, Steve, you’re drunk.

The Whale Joke doesn’t utilize driving tension and bathos, it’s more exhausting repetition and relief when its over. Think ‘Orange You Glad’ or John Mulaney’s Salt and Pepper Diner bit. But I bring up the Whale Joke because it shares a common goal with The Moth Joke: paying attention to your listeners.

Both jokes aren’t just set up and punchline, they’re an experience. You have to closely watch your listeners as you bury them beneath the set up to know the best possible time to strike with the punchline. Too short and you lose punch. Too long and you lose the listener entirely. Both jokes teach you timing. While you don’t get that kind of instant feedback from readers, I think learning how to time a joke like these can make you better at timing your dramatic hits in your prose.

There’s another perk from the Moth Joke that you don’t get from the Whale Joke: learning how to riff. You can’t really riff with the Whale Joke, you can just make slightly different whale sounds. But the key with the Moth Joke is you can make the moth miserable in completely different ways every time! And you should. Just keep in mind that every new detail you share should be worse than the last and you can make up whatever you want.

Riffing, I feel, is an underappreciated talent. Everyone loves it when they hear it, but not a lot of people see it as a skill they can practice and hone. Work to get better at riffing out loud, in front of people, and you’ll see an improvement in your ability to just lay down a first draft. I wrote Wednesday’s Moth Joke with no prep in about fifteen minutes.

You’re Never Going to be Norm MacDonald

And that’s okay! We already have one of those. But he’s someone a writer can learn from. Writers can’t spend all their time only taking lessons from the ‘greats’ of literature: they’re all old white dudes, and they’re all dead. That’s how you end up putting bathos into your works the bad way. Writers have to be constantly learning from every piece of media they come in contact with, up to and including a five minute telling of one of the oldest jokes in the book.