The Best Dads in the MCU. Part 1.

I’m not sure why, but I seem to be obsessed with fatherhood in the MCU. My best guess is because there are actual good fathers present, instead of the usual physical and/or emotionally absent trauma factories that Hollywood loves to pretend all fathers are. Which I guess is better than mothers, because Hollywood seems to think mothers come in three flavors: unrelenting mama bear, tormenting narcissist, or dead. In fact, I can’t really write a similar ‘best mothers in the MCU’ article because in our main line up, only one of them is a mother, and even then only sort of? This seems to be a side effect of having so few women vs men and will hopefully be rectified in the future as Marvel and Disney do appear to have a lot of new female characters slated to show up in their movies and shows.

This list is only going to include characters we actually see interacting with their kids. Drax, for instance, was probably a good father, but we don’t even see his kid at any point so he’s disqualified. Also, I am specifically discussing these characters as they appear in the Marvel Cinematic Universe, not the comics, because I don’t know anything about them in the comics besides the handful of talking points the internet in general won’t shut up about.

Spoilers for The Punisher on Netflix. Gee, I think my spoiler warning spoiled the article.

Kweh.

5. Frank Castle, aka The Punisher, from Daredevil season 2 and both seasons of The Punisher

That’s right, we are fucking blasting out of the gate with the most controversial pick on this list. I know it’s going to be controversial because when I mentioned it to my husband he made the most aghast face I’ve ever seen and went, FRANK CASTLE? And my husband is a very centered guy. I say probably five to seven ridiculous things a day to him and usually he takes it in stride, but with this one if he had been drinking anything he would have done a spit take.

Frank is a career Marine with a wife and two kids. After coming home from his last tour he takes his family out to their favorite park where he sees all three of them accidentally gunned down in what appears to be a fight between local crime gangs, spurring him to gather all of the guns, explosives, and sharp objects he can lay his hands on and start mass killing every crime family in the five boroughs. Of course it turns out that their murders were no accident and much of his appearance in Daredevil and his own first season is ripping through the insane conspiracy layers to get the ultimate villain nestled in the center.

There are three types of good dads out there: (1) Dudes who became good dads after their own kids were born, and (2) Dudes who were born to be dads. They dad everybody who they deem in need of dadding, regardless of actual relationship. I think, based on what evidence we have, that Frank is (3) Basically a mixture of the two. Having kids was never on Frank’s radar, but now that he’s had some his Dad Reflexes have been permanently activated.

Here’s the thing about Frank Castle: He’s the fucking Punisher. I don’t believe the MCU waters down the insanity that comes with that. If anything, the show continually goes out of its way to highlight how fucked up the inside of Frank’s mind is. He is constantly killing people with a completely straight face, even as the people around him he actually trusts are like, you need to fucking stop, my dude. The show, while never condemning him, also never glorifies his actions, and really leaves the morality of what he’s doing out in the fucking wind. He also gets as good as he gives, and spends probably 20-30% of the show absolutely beat to shit and covered in his own blood.

None of this negates his Fatherly Quotient, but it definitely informs how its expressed. When it comes to his actual children, who we only see in flashbacks and hear about in stories, Frank’s memories are mostly good but tinged with regret that he spent more time with the Marine Corp than with them. On the other hand, while he was on duty he talked about his kids so fucking much it made it easy for the main villains to know where they were going to be to kill them. A pivotal point for Frank in season two is admitting to himself that the death of his family didn’t turn him into the Punisher, he was always Like That, and the loss of his family was the loss of the only thing holding him back.

In the second season he meets Amy, a street kid who gets caught up in some political bullshit and ends up in the crosshairs of some dangerous people. As soon as things start going pear-shaped, Frank’s Father Instincts start fucking going off and he can’t leave her to deal with it all by herself. But he’s Frank Castle, so his method of helping includes handcuffing her to a motel bed until she tells him what the fuck is going on and shooting anyone who comes near her, usually right in front of her. By the end of the season, it’s clear he sees Amy as a surrogate daughter, but he’s also already had his revelation that he loves being the Punisher and can’t stop. Since nonstop killing and trying to be a dad leads to an unhealthy work-life balance, he rejects trying to be anyone else’s family and dedicates himself to killing dudes.

To me, this gives Frank more Father Points (or whatever, I don’t really have a scoring system going on here). He’s got the fatherly instincts, he wants to take care of Amy, but recognizes that it’s not a good idea. He overrides those instincts to give her a chance at a better life, which is still the result of fatherly instincts.

Frank Castle is a good father who completely acknowledges he shouldn’t be around kids, which ironically makes him a better father.

Further Evidence

  • The flashback to when his daughter asks him if he’s shipping out again, and his son starts in with this really hyper-aggressive, xenophobic, America Good Brown People Bad shit and Frank gets in his face and tells him to never say any of that shit, ever again. He immediately feels bad about how aggressive he was, but honestly you have to nip that shit in the bud, so A+
  • His goodbye scene with Amy. He slips her an insane amount of money in the exact same way your parents slip you a couple of twenties before going back to college, and then he’s doing the tough guy thing where he’s dancing around what he actually wants to say and then Amy hugs him. Now, if this show had been made twenty-five years ago, Frank would have sat there as she hugged him, staring straight ahead, being all manly and shit. Accepting the hug but not hugging back, not until the end when he would give the most awkward squeeze-and-back-pat combo and then push her away, and then with completely dry eyes send her off. Because God forbid your action hero show that he has any sort of emotions, right? Fuck all that shit, because Frank instantly hugs her back. Hard. If it’s at all awkward it’s only because of the positioning. I cannot fully express to you how much I love this scene. Frank has to let her go and it’s killing him. Christ, I am such a sucker for scenes with men showing emotion.
  • This:

The Scoreboard So Far

  1. Frank Castle

This was a long entry because I felt like I really needed to defend my position. Tune in next week when we’ll go over who belongs in the fourth and third spot.


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They Try

People wash up on shore all the time. They’re usually dead, though, so when the body at Moxy’s feet suddenly coughed up a bunch of water and rolled over Moxy screamed and screamed and kicked him.

We don’t know where the bodies come from. All you can see from the beach is endless ocean. Every direction, and all the directions in between, nothing but waves of blue and green eventually hitting the line of sky. Sometimes the waves are big and sometimes they are small and sometimes something comes over the waters and the surface is as still as glass, reflecting back the clouds or the stars or whatever is in the sky. But it’s always water. Everything that’s not the island is water and sky so we really don’t understand where these bodies are coming from.

They’re annoying, I can tell you that. Because we’re the ones who have to get rid of them. Can’t let ‘em rot. Every few years someone suggest we start eating them but that always gets shot down and then whoever suggested it gets avoided for a while. People can forget you momentarily thought it was a good idea to find a way to cook and eat waterlogged and half-decomposed bodies. They can’t forget that once upon a time, I think maybe our great- or great-great-grandparents, actually tried.

It did not go well.

They must come from far away. The bodies. Not too far, because they’re still identifiable as human. But far enough for them to be green and bloated and nibbled on. We collect them, check them for anything worth keeping, then say a prayer and burn them. The island is small, and we don’t have the space to be burying dozens of bodies every year.

That’s what we were on the beach for. It was a Tuesday, and Tuesdays were the days Moxy and I were assigned to the beach. The bodies come from all directions, or at least they wash up everywhere, so we spend the day walking the ten miles around the island. They’re not hard to spot, not once you know what you’re looking for. We saw this one at the end of the Flat Beach on the north side of the island. Saw it a quarter mile away. Moxy was carrying the flags, ten foot flexible poles with little red cuts of fabric on top, and she went ahead of me to plant the flag in the beach, next to the body.

“This one looks weird,” she called back to me. “It’s not so green.”

And then the body started coughing up seawater and Moxy started screaming and she kicked the guy and I was so stunned it took me a few seconds to get my legs working.

He didn’t really look weird. He just didn’t look dead. Not so different from us, actually. Paler skin. Darker hair. Made the same crooked faces we do when we’re sick as he coughed and hacked and purged the ocean from his lungs and stomach. It went on forever. The sun was hot and the ocean kept rolling in softly – the big waves are on the south side of the island – and he jerked and coughed and crawled and spit in the sand. Finally, everything inside was outside and he rolled over and fell on his back. Panting.

It took him a while to notice me and Moxy. We were standing a few feet away, clutching each other, the flags still balanced on Moxy’s shoulder. We watched the emotions play out on his face. A dream at first, he must have decided. Then confusion clouded his eyes as much as the sand did. Not a dream, of course we weren’t a dream. He was staring at real people. Then he was looking all over. At the ocean. The beach. The trees. The sounds coming from beyond, his eyes grew wide as full moons when he realized he could hear the sounds of town. Then he was looking at us.

“I-”

Trying to speak made him cough again, violently. Painfully, from the look and sound. When it washed over him he looked afraid to speak again, but he tried anyway.

“I made it?” he said.

“Made it?” Moxy whispered to me. “What the hell does that mean?”

The watery man made a watery smile. “You speak our language?”

“I speak our language, mister.”

“‘Our,’” he repeated. He tried to sit up but only managed to get up on elbows. “There are others here, aren’t there? I can hear them. A whole civilization. We knew it. We were…we’ve been trying to reach you. Trying to bring you to us. We can’t…there’s something in the ocean.”

“Duh,” I said. There was something about this man I was starting to dislike. He was talking to us that way you talk to children. You know, where you keep your voice soft and gentle and talk about the known universe like it’s a miracle or something. “We know there’s something out there. That’s why we stay here. It’s you people who can’t seem to understand that.”

The man frowned, and then he was sitting up, frantic. Patting at himself, all over, looking in his clothes. He unzipped the jacket he was wearing and must have found what he was looking for, because blissful relief fell over his face and his movements became less like a terrified animal.

We knew what it was the second he pulled it out. All of the bodies we had found had one.

A radio.

While he fiddled with the knob on the top, checking it for water damage, Moxy and I looked at each other. This was not a light decision. Luckily, it was one that had already been made for us.

The bottom of the flags were spiked. Very sharp. Not that they needed to be for the sands of the beach. Only for their secondary purpose. We would be the very first among us to use it.

He didn’t live long once the flag was planted through him into the beach. I’m glad Moxy did it, because she had always been better at finding the heart. If I had done it I probably would have only speared a lung and we would have had to watch him choke to death. This was better.

“…tive…zero two ni…we are pick…your signal. I repeat, we are picking up your signal. Are you there? Do you read? Have you-”

At least I could break a radio properly. That I had done plenty of.

People wash up on shore all the time. They’re trying to reach us. Thing is, we don’t want to be reached.


No One Understands The True Meaning of Christmas Like Folgers Coffee

Folgers has such a deathgrip on the pre-ground coffee market I’m sitting here trying to write a joke like, ‘Of course I drink Folgers. What the fuck else am I going to drink? BLAH?’ And I can’t fucking think of another brand to fill in the BLAH with. Like, sure, Dunkies or Starbucks, but I’m trying to think of another standard grocery store brand and I fucking can’t. Beans Ahoy? Columbia House? Chock Full o’Nuts! Do they still make that? Hold on.

Bingo.

Of course I drink Folgers. What the fuck else am I going to drink? Chock Full o’Nuts?

Another quick search tells me I should have gone with Maxwell House. I’ve literally never knowingly had Maxwell House in my life. Are there even commercials for Maxwell House?

Oh, yeah. These people.

Anyway…uh…shit…coffee…Folgers…Oh, yeah!

Peter Comes Home

This thing aired for roughly three hundred and fifty thousand years, including all of my childhood. It’s so eighties I’m amazed Nancy Reagan doesn’t show up to white-people rap about just saying no. There’s a few nitpicky things wrong with it including the biggest nitpick with every commercial: who gives this much of a shit about pre-ground coffee? My favorite part, though, is the parents don’t know Peter is back, obviously, and the others kids are very clearly not old enough to safely be operating a coffee maker, but Mom and Dad smell the coffee and are just like, ‘Fuck, is that coffee?!’ and not ‘my children are going to burn the house down.’ And that’s not a mistake. This is the eighties, and everyone knows child safety as a concept wasn’t invented until 1995.

You know what, I take it back. It’s hard to make out the details because this video is about as potato-quality as it gets, but there does appear to be a teenage daughter. Except the point still stands, because all three of them come down the stairs together. So, not knowing Peter came home, the only two options here are a half-blitzed burglar in a Santa suit trying to make coffee to stave off the hangover, or their four-year-old daughter is standing on the back of a chair pouring grounds directly into the pot and shoving the whole thing in the microwave. But Poodle-Hair and her husband and older daughter are all, whatever. It’s the eighties. We have Swatches and nuclear holocaust to worry about.

Lucky bastards. Now we have to worry about nuclear holocaust and we don’t even get Swatches.

All in all, though, it’s a perfectly fine commercial. There’s a reason it’s been airing since the Pleistocene era. It’s cute and homey and while the family does go overboard on coffee, they do seem way happier their son made it home for Christmas, so that’s nice.

Terrible Remakes: Not Just for Movies Anymore!

They stopped airing the original commercial by the late nineties, and after nearly fifteen Peter-less years, Folgers decided to bring it back. What they should have done was touched up the video a bit and started airing it in its original form. Eighties Nostalgia was already ramping up, and they had a perfect sixty-second chunk of 1985 sealed in amber. I think it could have worked. Better than this thing did.

Before we get to the elephant in the room, let’s discuss a few minor things here.

  1. Instead of a college kid getting waylaid by a huge snowstorm, Peter has now been in the Peace Corp for so fucking long he at least pretends he doesn’t recognize his sister. Also: ‘West Africa?’ Have the writers ever met anyone who was in the Peace Corp? There is no way Peter wouldn’t not only give his exact location down to town or village, but he also would have thrown in the handful of words he struggled to learn of the country’s language, like, immediately.
  2. They changed it so the family knew he was coming home. In the first one, it seems like they all think Peter isn’t going to make it home at all because of the storm. In this one the ‘little’ sister waits up all night and then as soon as the mom smells the coffee she’s like, ‘he’s home!’ I know I complained about the exact opposite in the last version of this suburban dystopic nightmare, but I think it’s well within my rights to entirely dislike both scenarios. Also, at least the eighties one was funny.
  3. He salivates over Folgers and breathlessly calls it ‘real coffee.’

Anyway, those kids are totally going to fuck.

Roll Tide.

The Greatest Lesson the Internet Can Teach You

Please, please tell me this was your first thought when you saw this thing? Because it sure as shit was mine. And, thankfully, lots of other people. This only aired for three seasons before the mega-brains behind the commercial finally figured out America was loving it for reasons entirely separate from coffee and pulled it, but the articles, parody videos, and social media posts just keep coming.

So, this is the lesson:

“You have never had, and will never have, an original thought. Never ever ever. Never.”

–The Internet

Not once have you ever thought something that no one else thought at the exact same time. Not once have you ever thought something that only a few other people thought at the exact same time. All of the world, people are experiencing the same things you are and having the exact same reaction. In this case…

I Already Told You The Internet is a Terrifying Place

Look, I think the best practice here is to rip the band-aid off quick:

There’s a Folgercest fandom.

Honestly, at this point, I’d have been way more shocked if there weren’t people out there furiously writing fan fiction about a coffee commercial that is a barely-concealed opener for Christmas-themed smut. Fans will ship literally any character with literally any other character without a hint of romance or even mutual like between them because that’s what they want. And then you present them with this shit? The sexual tension between these two is immediately present, and more in-depth than some actual couples pushed in media. I totally believe these two are doing the horizontal hoe-down way more than, say Tony Stark and Pepper Potts.

Also, I completely blame this commercial for the decade-long uptick in stepsibling porn.

Merry Christmas, everyone!


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One More Thing

They came last spring and haven’t left and we’ve all gotten used to them, to be honest.

People came up with all sorts of different names for them. I’ve seen on the news, they did one of those cutesy little segments. In New York, they call them sky-walkers. They were calling them walking skyscrapers and then it morphed into something easier. Down south they’re calling them fingermen, except in Texas where most people call them legmen. West coasters call them night surfers. Not really sure about that one. I guess because they’re all black and maybe seem like they surf they wind?

They definitely don’t surf or anything around here, and I guess we’re not as creative. We just call them shadows. They’re really not shadows, though. It’s hard to explain. I mean that in a broader sense, not just me. Scientists still haven’t even been able to properly explain what we’re seeing, when we see them. Which is all the time now.

Voids are what they look like to me. Places where reality has been punched through and left with nothing. Except they’re not nothing. They have weight. Sometimes. We can’t figure that out, either. Sometimes they walk through town and it’s like nothing ever happened. Other times buildings and cars get crushed. Once one came through. No different than the others. Maybe a bit spindly. Every step left a hole forty feet deep. Hope that one doesn’t come back.

I wish I could tell them apart. If this were a movie, I suppose I could. There would be the one friendly one, or at least the one that takes a shine to my town. Hangs out. Becomes a local celebrity or something. Solves a crime. I don’t know, I’m babbling. But the truth is, they all mostly look the same. Spans of inky, swirling nothing reaching up dozens of stories into the sky. Wandering. Maybe some are short, some are tall. Some are wide and some are thin. But when something is so much bigger than you, it’s kind of hard to notice. Or care.

We don’t care anymore. Not really. It feels like we should. These giant voids walk around now with seemingly no agenda, sometimes destroying crops or knocking over powerlines. But we don’t. Too much is otherwise going on. They step on a town occasionally. Cry me a river. We’ve all had our towns stepped on. We don’t have the energy.

What would we do about them anyway? I don’t know. Not sure anyone does. For a while, after they first showed up, I was following them obsessively.

I was following them online. Every article. Every personal account. Every YouTube video and TikTok and hell, people were Twitch streaming them for a while. One streamer had his camera rolling as he crossed one’s path. Stood underneath, inches away from where one of its appendages would come down. The feed cut as the shadow was hovering over him. When it came back, his friends – who had stayed about a football field away – were dragging him back to the car. He was babbling about some video game he’d played extensively the previous year. A few minutes later he was fine. Then he threw up. Then he was fine again and he didn’t remember throwing up. He disappeared a few months later.

I followed all of it. All of it. And then I got tired of it. Burnt out, I guess. I think we all are. They won’t go away, and they won’t do anything besides walk around. All the damage they cause is incidental. They don’t seem malicious. They don’t seem like they’re planning anything. Are they even sentient? We still don’t know.

So we all just ignore them. Once a month or so the tornado alarm will go off, but it’s not just a tornado alarm anymore. We all go to the windows, figure out where it is. It’s not like a tornado, or a hurricane, or a forest fire. There’s no planning, no designated area to go. If you hide in the basement, it could step on the basement. If you try to run, it could happen to change paths. Mostly, you just look. If it’s close, you keep an eye. If it’s coming toward you, you wait. Wait until about a hundred yards away, close enough that you have to crane your neck to see the top where the legs or fingers or whatever they are meet.

Then you run.

Hell, they don’t move fast.

You jog lightly. Out of their path. Away from whatever those voids are. About a hundred yards, that’s all it takes. You clump together with your neighbors and watch as it saunters through your houses. At first, you all watch silently, gritting your teeth. The alarm cannot tell you if it will be a heavy shadow or not. Once, we all watched as a shadow punched holes in everything. My car and my backyard shed. The Carmine’s front living room. The Wilson’s back porch. What are you supposed to do? Get mad about it? Shoot at the shadows? You can. The bullets don’t go anywhere. We all just wandered back quietly, waiting for the insurance people to show up.

Sometimes, though, they have no weight and just wander through. Once you see the shadow isn’t doing any harm you relax. Start chatting with your neighbors. It’s sort of nice. I’ve made lots of close friends since it started. We have more barbeques, and more game nights. When we have to fix a house, we sometimes make a day out of it.

They showed up last spring and no one seems to care anymore. I feel like we should. There are new whispers of some crazy cult worshipping the shadows. One of the labs where scientists are trying to study them blew up a couple of weeks ago. Gas leak, they said, but that sounds unlikely. There’s just so much else. We both have student debt and she’s accidentally pregnant and the climate is still changing and politics is still a bunch of old white dudes screaming at each other and it’s just so hard to care about one more thing.


I Rate Christmas Related Things

Elf on the Shelf

I’m probably biased because this wasn’t a thing when I was a kid, but I find this concept to be so fucking creepy. Like, we already have Amazon and Google spies in the house, now Santa needs one? Aren’t parents essentially teaching their kids it’s okay to be monitored 24/7 by someone who is going to be intensely judging you even while you sleep? Not to mention it’s never a good idea to invite the fae into your house unless you have a fucking plan. I doubt all these Mommy and Me Bloggers are going to know what to do when it’s March and that stripey little bastard has stripped all their copper wiring. When I was a kid, the only thing Christmas elves did was bring a single present on Christmas Eve, and that present was always pajamas and, most importantly, left on the porch outside. And then they fucked off.

0/10

Christmas Ribbons

A pain in the ass to apply correctly without it looking like you did everything with your teeth, and getting those perfect curls is dark magic known only to Martha Stewart. Also, my cat has undiagnosed pika and will eat all of those ribbons before either barfing them up or dying, so fuck Christmas ribbons.

-100/10

Radio Stations That Switch to Only Playing Christmas Music

Love this. It’s less important now that everyone is carrying around all of humanity’s musical achievements in their pocket and can put on whatever they want, whenever they want, but back when you got in the car and it was either the radio or the same mix tape you made six months ago it was nice to be able to switch to Christmas music for however long you wanted to, then switch back to the real world. Loses points because some of the stations switch to Christmas music while drunks in Joker and Sexy Joker costumes are still hobbling back from the club.

6/10

Company Christmas Parties

I have literally never been to one because I am not a chode. I’m already awkward enough at work, now I have to go to a party and, what, show these people the real me? Because I can tell you right the fuck now, no one I have ever worked with has seen the actual, real me. The actual, real me is fucking weird. The closest anyone came was back in ’14 when I worked seven night shifts in a row, and by the fifth night all of the walls I had oh-so-carefully constructed over the years started eroding from pure exhaustion. What do I talk about in a party setting with people I have to work with? Do I keep it to small talk, or do I let loose and start ranting about how The Last Jedi is good, actually, because someone was trying to take the franchise in a new direction for once, but it’s hard to pin down exactly what the general reception is because of internet shitheads making it their god damned job to slander it because of a fucking litany of stupid-ass reasons I can go into sweet, agonizing detail over right the fuck now? Get back here, Janet, we’re talking about the inherent misogyny and racism in older, white nerds and you are going to hear allllll of my opinions about it.

Also, how drunk are you expected to get at these things?

-1000/10, miss me with that shit

Christmas Branded Stuff at the Grocery Store

You know, like the Coke cans with the polar bears and the Kleenex boxes with the snowflakes or whatever. Give it to me. Now. Give it all to me. I don’t care how ridiculous it gets. Mistletoe printed on the tampon box? Want. Ritz crackers with the holes in the middle of cracker now shaped into snowflakes? Super want. Oreos with the crème inside dyed a bloody red? Yes, YES, I WANT ALL OF IT IN MY HOUSE. If Jeremy the produce guy is taking a hatpin to the bananas to punch MERRY XMAS into the peels I am buying that shit.

10/10, capitalism at its finest

That Cover of “Jingle Bells” That’s Made of Dogs Barking

Nothing gets me thinking, ‘man, I can’t wait until the Yellowstone Caldera blows up and ends it all’ faster.

0/10

Pretending Santa is Real for the Children

Which children? Any children. I don’t care if they’re yours, if they’re vaguely related to you, or if you don’t know them at all. When an opportunity presents itself to either continue the lie of Santa or spill the beans, you continue the damned lie. Do you remember the insane learning curve of growing up? It’s like, you’re five and learning that there are seasons and different animals make different noises and the Indians called corn maize, and not even ten years later you’ve been filled in on war, genocide, and the eventual heat death of the universe. All of this while your brain is still cooking and your hormones are spiking and your concept of what’s important is so very, very skewed. Life, in general, starts to suck very early, and very fast, so I say kids should be allowed to think there’s magic in the world for as long as possible. It’s also why I’m incredibly pro-Halloween. These kids are less than a decade away from learning about how the ocean is almost completely out of fish, give them all the fucking candy they want.

5000/10, anyone who tells a child Santa isn’t real before they’re ready to hear it is going straight to hell

The Mountains Are Calling

“What do you know of the mountain pass?”

The man and the woman behind the counter gave each other a look. They were married. It was obvious, and not just from the matching silver bands around their third fingers. Same age, fifty or sixty from the white in their hair and the wrinkles on their face. Living together for years had made them look alike. The look they gave each other, and the way they shifted their weight ever so slightly to their right foot as they made it was so perfect it could have been choreographed. In a way, it was. Pat and Patty, how do you like that. And they had owned this roadside stop, this wooden home built into the mountain, for what felt like forever. Built it with their own hands. Stocked it with their own produce. Lived upstairs.

He wished he knew as much about himself as he did about them.

“Why do you ask about the mountain pass?” Pat asked. He took the dinner plate, now cleaned except for a few smudges of gravy, back to the sink as Patty brought him a piece of pie.

seventh piece. eighth?

The pie was strawberry rhubarb, which might have been his favorite. It certainly tasted good going down. The way it coated his throat. Filled his grumbling stomach. He was hungry, oh so hungry, like he’d never be full again.

“This pie is delicious,” he said, scooping up the last bite of crust.

Patty smiled at him, glad for the compliment. But wasn’t there something else, in the way her eyes wrinkled at him? What was it? He was sure he should know.

relief

But that didn’t make any sense, so it couldn’t be true.

He sat back a little, making the fresh vinyl wrinkle. New seats. New counter tops. Shiny, bright lights. Everything so new for a little house and diner and shop built into the side of the mountain next to a winding road.

mountain. I must do something with the mountain.

“You look like you’re getting hungry, champ,” Pat said. The plate he put in front of him was filled, practically overflowing, with a good old-fashioned comfort food breakfast. Scrambled eggs covered in cheddar, three slices of bacon, four slices of heavily buttered toast, breakfast potatoes all mixed in with peppers and onions, and just as he was beginning to wonder Patty came over with a large cup of coffee and a stack of pancakes.

He looked out the window because something told him he’d see it was wrong, all wrong, but it was morning outside. His car was parked out front. Birds were tittering in the trees. There was no sun, but surely it was behind the mountain.

mountain. something with the mountain.

“What do you know of the mountain pass?” he asked around a mouthful of bacon.

Pat and Patty gave each other a look.

“Why do you ask about the mountain pass?” Pat asked. He tried to reach for the plate but it was still half full. He was veritably wolfing it down, and yet his stomach felt no fuller. It grumbled for more.

“I must go through the mountain pass. It’s the next leg of my journey.”

Patty filled up his coffee cup, already empty, and set the pot on the counter. “Do you want to go through the mountain pass?”

no more wants. no more needs. all has been left behind in the weeds.

“I must go through the mountain pass.”

“But-”

Patty put a hand on Pat’s arm, silencing him. An unspoken conversation went on between the two. They were married, obvious from the rings on their fingers, and the way they spoke to each other without ever opening their mouths. He wondered what they were talking about.

“You should have more coffee,” Patty said, filling his cup. Again? How many times? It was heavy and dark and everything he ever needed.

no more needs.

“What do you know of the mountain pass?”

Patty sighed, and he wondered if he was in trouble. He was a child about to be scolded, and he didn’t like it. Because…because it wasn’t true?

No, no it’s not true! I’m a grown man, I have an apartment and a car and a handful of streaming subscriptions. Somewhere my girlfriend is waiting for me. But I don’t know her name. And I don’t know mine…

no more possessions, nothing to take. all has been left behind in the lakes.

“You must be ready for some lunch, eh?”

A plate was put before him. Like the other plates. So many other plates. He could see them all now, why could he see them?

He looked up to Pat and winced. Pat was not Pat. Pat was not human.

“What do you know of the mountain pass?” he asked, trying not to shake.

Not-Pat and Not-Patty gave each other a look with their many eyes.

“Why do you ask about the mountain pass?” Not-Pat asked, his voice now the sound of falling rocks.

not a single memory to heavy the load. all that is left is you, and the road.

“That is the way the road goes,” he said. “That is the way I must go.”

No more food appeared in front of him. Not-Pat and Not-Patty did not return to their white-streaked hair and wrinkled faces. He wasn’t quite sure where their faces were, anymore. These were the real them, he realized.

“That road is nothing but a misery,” Patty said. “The things that live on the other side of the pass…they are not kind. They will not feed you. They will not let you rest.”

“But I must go.”

“Do you even know why?”

Her voice, the sound of worlds breaking apart, was tinged with sadness and fear, and Pat put his blackened hands around what might have been Patty’s shoulders.

“We’ve done what we can.”

“It’s not fair.”

“Of course it isn’t.”

He was remembering a little. Not exactly how long he’d been here, but that he’d been here for a long time. Meal after meal. Pleasant conversation. A delay. One that wasn’t allowed.

“I must go to the mountain pass.”

Pat nodded while Patty cried black tears into his shoulder. “I know, champ.”

They gave him boxes of food. Boxes and boxes. Told him to eat it as fast as he could. Before he reached the pass.

“We…we always try…” Patty said.

“Once you’re though the pass, drive fast. Don’t stop. You’ll want to.”

He nodded and shook his hand, but he didn’t know who this was. Why had he stopped in front of an aging building built into the side of the mountain? He

not a single memory

Couldn’t remember.

Must not be important.

He got into his car, unaware of anything but the mountain pass.


How to Name Your Characters

I fucking refuse to believe I’m the only one that’s sat down to write and instead spent that time trying to name their characters. Hours, I’m talking about. Full afternoons. Not writing. Not plotting. Not even crafting the character, really. Just bouncing around entries on thinkbabynames.com or something and trying to imagine the differences between a Lily and a Lilah. Is the character a Dylan or do they have more Lucas vibes? I already have one character name stolen from Shakespeare, can I do another one?

You know. Shit like that. Anything that kind of, sort of counts as work without actually having to sit there and make the words go. So, let’s all take breaks from our WIPs and talk about how to name our characters.

The Buffy Problem: Stock Characters

Using Stock Character-type Names to Your Advantage

One of the perks of creating characters instead of creating actual human beings is you have way more control over the finished product. Sure, many writers insist that their characters will begin acting on their own and surprising them. The thing is, when you’re in the zone writing a scene and a character does something you didn’t plan on, you can reread the scene and, if you don’t like, write that shit out. If your actual human child decides to knock over the Circle-K you can’t exactly call a mulligan with the cops because you gave your kid a classic ‘boy next door’ name.

You can’t have a baby and name her Pollyanna and expect her to grow up all apple-cheeks and sweet innocence. But you can name a character Pollyanna and instantly convey to your reader exactly who that character is supposed to be.

I find this sort of direct approach is better with minor characters. If you’re going to be exploring a character and truly fleshing them out for the reader, using a stereotypical name that correctly conveys who they are can feel like a slap in the face. But if they’re only there for support, or for a few scenes, and you need the audience to immediately understand who they are, then a stereotype can be super helpful. Got a grumpy old lady character who’s there and gone? Agnes. Boom. Done. Easy peasy lemon squeezy.

Going Against the Stock Character-type for Fun and Profit

Buffy the Vampire Slayer is a perfect example of this. Except, it’s also the perfect example for…

Once upon a time, in those dark days when bright colors were all the rage and Reagan terrorized the shadows, a new breed of Stock Characters arose: the Yuppie. These Young Urban Professional were sort of like preppies all grown up. They were white, trust-fund kids who failed their way through Yale on Daddy’s dime and spent their summers playing tennis in Montauk. They wore their brightly colored Polo shirts with the collars popped and didn’t use their blinkers when they drove their BMWs. They were your Chads, your Blaines, your Muffys, and your Buffys.

When the original Buffy the Vampire Slayer movie came out in 1992, the use of the name Buffy was part of the joke. You didn’t even have to look at the poster to know who Buffy was – a rich white girl who only cares about clothes and boys. And she’s going to slay vampires? Gag me with a spoon!

By the time the show came out, that association with the name had faded. I was born in the late eighties and when I started watching the show as a young adult I certainly didn’t get the joke. My dad had to explain it to me. While Chad and Blaine certainly still have that ‘rich annoying white person’ connotation, I think Buffy has lost it. Potentially because of the television series. Sort of how we all think of ‘nimrod’ as an insult thanks to Bugs Bunny, but Nimrod was actually the name of a Biblical hunter which is why Bugs was calling Elmer Fudd that in the first place. The movie and show capitalized on the ‘rich bimbo’ connotations with the name Buffy, but once the show got popular it sort of…okay, I don’t know if the name is normalized, but it certainly made an entire generation of people see the name in a completely different light.

This got convoluted.

What’s My Point Again?

Basically that giving a character a ‘stock’ name to subvert the tropes may work in the moment, but as time moves on and language changes you may lose the subversion or the joke entirely. That Buffy movie came out in 1992. It’s only been three decades and already the joke is basically lost! Also, let’s not lose sight of the most important fact: Joss Whedon is allegedly a terrible person (Update from January 2022: He admitted he’s a terrible person with his own mouth).

The Paul Problem

Here’s a fun fact about me: I don’t like Dune.

What? you say. How can you not like Dune? It’s a certified classic! One of the best science fiction books ever written! Herbert was a fucking genius, one of the all the times greats, and right now he’s spinning so hard in his grave over this blatant and disgusting disrespect he’s creating a wormhole he can crawl through to punch you in the mouth! The movie had Sting in it!

There. Am I missing anything? If you have an opinion on my opinion on Dune not listed above, please email it to idontfuckingcare@pleaseleavemealone.ca.

I read it for my husband because it’s one of his favorite books, but I’m not here today to talk about why I don’t like it. I’m here today to talk about the first time I tried to read it.

Years before we met, I bought Dune with the intent to read it because I do fully understand the reputation the book has. I got no more than ten pages in and quit, for one very stupid reason.

Paul and Jessica.

These books take place twenty thousand years in the future. Twenty thousand! I can’t even count that high! And they’re in space. And not just, like, immediate space. They’re not farting around the Kuiper belt or something. They’re in far flung space, so far out in the middle of the fucking Space Boonies I don’t even know where Earth is in relation to it all.

And don’t come in here and tell me that they answer that question in one of the eighty-seven sequels, or even in the first book, because I don’t care and that’s not my point.

My point is:

Are you trying to tell me that twenty thousand years in the future and Allah-knows how many lightyears away from here, humanity is still using Paul and Jessica???

Totally turned me off. I mean, completely and utterly. I couldn’t get past it. Twenty-thousand years is potentially enough time for humans to evolve – especially if presented with the physical turmoil of space travel – but you’re telling me that the fucking Messiah and his space-witch mom are still walking around with the same names as your day-trader friend and his personal trainer?

Space-witches? Sure.

A spice that’s half magic/half drug? Why not?

Sand worms? Fucking let’s go, bay-bee.

A Beatle and a cartoon rabbit? Get the fuck out of here with that shit.

The Hermione Problem and the Lupin Problem: The Part Where I Rip on JK Rowling

Her-my-oh-nee

I didn’t read any of the Harry Potter books until after I’d seen a few of the movies so I never got the experience of millions of children all around the world: seeing this name for the first time and thinking what the frick?

I did have to read a lot of Russian literature for various parts of school, so I can tell you what I would have done if I had read the books first: either completely botched it or replaced all the instances of the name with the sound of TV static.

I think this is where having a beta reader, or maybe friends and family, can come in handy. Someone who can look at the absolutely ridiculous name you’ve found/come up with, point at it, and go, ‘WHY?’

Does this mean you can’t ever name your character something that’s not ‘normal?’ Obviously not. I don’t even know what ‘normal’ means on a global scale, and also I just spent four hundred words complaining about Pauls in space. In Dune I would have preferred a name that looked like a keysmash.

If you want to put in a name that might be hard for a reader to understand pronunciation, you’ve got two options:

  1. Put a glossary at the end with pronunciation. This is pretty standard for any sort of long high fantasy or speculative fiction work, but might be pretty weird tacked to the end of a real world fiction novel. Especially if the only entry is this one name.
  2. Have the character explain how to pronounce the name, either to another character or the reader themselves. Preferably sooner than five fucking books in, Joanne.

Remus Lupin, AKA Moon Moon

I didn’t start reading the books until the Goblet of Fire movie was coming out, so when my sister took me to see Prisoner of Azkaban I went in completely blind to the story. Well, not completely. I understood the broad strokes, obviously, this was 2004 and those books and movies had already squeezed into every facet of popular culture. But I didn’t know the specifics of this particular book.

So, when the new Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher introduced himself as Remus Lupin, I did a double take.

I leaned over to my sister and whispered, “He’s a werewolf.”

And she looked at me in horror and whispered back, “How do you know that?!”

I didn’t fully explain until we were out of the movie because I’m generally against full conversations in the middle of a semi-crowded theater, but, yeah…

His name is Remus Lupin. Remus, a dude in Roman mythology raised by wolves, and Lupin, from lupus, which means wolf.

Dude’s name is Wolf Wolf. And he got that name a few decades before he ever became a werewolf.

There are a lot of these obvious, punny names in the books, either revealing some secret about them beforehand or describing the character’s personality. I’m not saying you can’t do stuff like this, especially in kids books, but I’m sure you can do it with a little bit more nuance. Also, let’s not lose sight of the most important fact: JK Rowling has made it clear she’s a terrible person.

Naming Conventions in Different Genres

High Fantasy

Rule number one: the more syllables the better. Your characters should have to spend roughly four to five seconds introducing themselves. Old Western European names are best but as long as it takes longer to sing out the name than it would to order a Rooty Tooty Fresh ‘n’ Frooty over at the iHop, you’re doing okay.

Rule number two: Throw out rule number one for your main character. You’re going to be writing their name roughly eighty thousand times over the span of a dozen books. Do you know how much time you can save if instead of naming him Constantaneous you just went with Con? Literal minutes. Also, it will make them stand out against all the other long-ass names.

Bonus tip: Vowels should never be where the reader will expect them.

Urban Fantasy

The most important thing to remember for naming your urban fantasy character is you want something sharp and snappy. It should really walk that thin line between ‘completely average’ and ‘what the fuck did I just read.’ If you were a bartender and you saw this name, you would think, ‘huh, that’s a weird name,’ but it wouldn’t stick with you long enough to tell your significant other the next day. Nouns are good, adjectives are better. Think: Ruby Stone, Dell Courtland, Honesty Jones.

Bonus tip: Every single one of your main character’s love interests should have a name that either a) reminds the audience of how he’s actually a centuries old vampire/fairy/what have you, or b) reminds the audience how big his dick is.

Romance

You’re not actually straying too far from Urban Fantasy, here. Walk that weird-ass line. But instead of something short and snappy, you want something fun and feminine. Joyful. Unique, but relatable. Windy doesn’t get used enough, I think, go with that.

Bonus tip: Every single one of your main character’s love interests should have a name that either a) reminds the audience how rich/rural/full of turmoil he is, or b) reminds the audience how big his dick is.

Science Fiction

There should be at least one person named Dick, but try to fit in more. As many as you can, honestly, you can never have too many spacemen named Dick.

Bonus tip: There should be at least one scene where someone calls him Richard and he goes, ‘Actually, Richard was my father. Call me Dick.’

Far-Future Post-Apocalyptic

It’s time for some fucking Scrabble! Shake up the bag, scoop some out by the handful, and just sort of let them fall where they want on the coffee table. Repeat until you get something that you can work with.

Alternatively, take a regular name and just keep changing it letter by letter. Thomas –> Toomas –> Toomus. The farther into the future your story takes place, the more letters you should change, to highlight how much society has decayed over the centuries. Any story taking place more than a thousand years in the future should feature names that are nothing more than wandering grunts.

Bonus tip: If you’re going to have alien characters, cook some spaghetti. Once it’s al dente fling it at the wall and transcribe the shapes the noodles make into a fun, catchy alien name.

And of course, the most important tip when naming your characters:


Ch-Ch-Ch-Changes: Turn and Face the Wheel

Hey guys, I know it’s supposed to be a short story day but I wanted to talk about the Wheel of Time show and decided to strike while the iron was hot. Just like Perrin! Too soon? That was probably too soon.

Spoilers below for the first three episodes and most of the books

Kw’eh

I think the best thing about getting older is you slowly stop giving a shit about a lot of stuff. I know if you’re young you might read that and think that’s scary, or that it’ll never happen to you. But it will happen to you, and it’s not scary because you don’t care that it’s happening. Sometime in your upper twenties somebody is going to stay something to you at a party that, five years prior, would have sent you into a drunken rant complete with wild gesticulating and people evacuating to another room, and you’re going to feel nothing. And it’s going to be great.

So, yeah, I’ve seen a lot of negative opinions about the first three episodes of The Wheel of Time series that dropped last Friday, almost entirely because of changes made from the books. I was that person once. I remember hating that TNT miniseries adapted from Salem’s Lot because it wasn’t a scene-for-scene recreation (now I nothing it because it sucks and its not worth going back to). I was vaguely annoyed at changes made in The Lord of the Rings and the Harry Potter movies. And then, sometime after that, I stopped caring. I’ve been through this dance and, just like the Cha Cha Slide, I’d rather shoot off a toe then have to do it again.

I’m not saying everyone keyboard mashing this last weekend is a teenager who still cares about things they absolutely should roll with…but maybe?

They Gave Perrin A Wife? And Then Immediately Killed Her?

I’m not, like, dead inside. I do still have some emotions. This creative choice probably brought out the biggest one, and it was confusion. I don’t fully understand why this had to happen. I get they aged up the characters…oh, wait…

They Aged Up the Characters, and They Have Sex Now

Yeah, whatever. This is fine. The books are strangely Puritanical when it comes to sex, so to have Egwene and Rand take it to Bone-Town not even halfway through the first episode in the middle of Egwene’s parents inn was sort of refreshing. That plus Moiraine seeing Lan’s fully soft dick in the bathtub is already more action than anyone in the books ever got.

Back to Perrin’s Fridged Wife

My only hope with this one is that the show creators plan on taking out the series of events in the books spurred by Perrin killing a White Cloak. Because I hated all of that. It didn’t go anywhere for a long time and then it came back and it went on forever. So, if they’re replacing Perrin’s conflicted feelings about killing a White Cloak with his tortured feelings about accidentally killing his wife (was she supposed to be pregnant?) whose name I don’t even remember, I’m all for it.

Moiraine Doesn’t Immediately Know Rand is the Dragon Reborn

I had no idea this would set people off until I saw it with my own two eyes. And there are people who are thinking that they’ll actually change who the Dragon Reborn is? Like, Amazon would spend however many millions of dollars on this and make such a drastic change to the plot? It’s these kinds of situations where I think some people enjoy working themselves up into a lather and lashing out at strangers on the internet more than anything else.

A Red Ajah Bitch Told a Man Who Could Channel That Men Tainted the Source Instead of the Other Way Around, So Clearly That’s Canon

Not just any Red Ajah Bitch. Fucking Liandrin. Anyone who knows enough to complain about the way she explained the taint (hee) should know enough not to believe a word out of fucking Liandrin’s mouth. I was wondering if perhaps the creators were planting it as a clue for people who hadn’t read the books. Eventually the actual situation – there’s two halves of magical powers and the male half is seriously Fucked Up, in case anyone here hasn’t read the books and doesn’t mind spoilers – is going to be explained, and then maybe some observant viewer will remember Liandrin completely lying and think, ‘wait a minute, I thought Aes Sedai couldn’t lie?’ And that’s how we start factoring in the Black Ajah.

Or, you know, the writers of this show were all drunk all the time and put copies of book in the urinals to help their fumbling aim.

Egwene Might Be Ta’veren

I honestly sort of forgot she wasn’t one in the books, so, sure. Why not.

All of This is Only Distracting Us from The Actual Worst Thing in the Adaptation: The Aes Sedai Rings

Holy shit, how tacky are those things? What the actual fuck are those stones? And they’re the color of their Ajah for some fucking reason. Aes Sedai haven’t even picked their Ajah yet when they get those. Do they magic the color in there? They’re supposed to be these subtle ouroboros rings, just a gold snake eating its tail around their finger, and instead they look like milk-flavored Ring Pops.

I Honestly Can’t Think of Anything I Disliked More Than the Rings, So Here’s a List of Stuff I Did Like

  • The diversity, which I know is a sticking point for some people but those people probably suck in other ways, too. It’s fantasy, so who gives a shit? More to the books point, everyone got scattered after the breaking of the world, so of course everyone is everywhere.
  • The hints that this is a far-future of our world are so much more obvious and I am here for it. When that early shot in the first episode panned out to show what I thought were giant stone columns, but then resolved to being grown-over skyscrapers, I went, “…um, what?” At which point my husband went ‘Holy shit.’ I hope they keep it at this level, though. I don’t need them to find a buried high school or anything.
  • Lan and Moraine’s relationship is exactly the kind of platonic male-female friendship I have been yearning for.
  • Reading the books, I kept picturing the Aes Sedai using Saidar on screen, and it always looked like the psychic fight from that one episode of South Park. This is much better. Not only showing how she’s pulling and weaving from the different elemental sources, but showing precisely why warders are so important: weaving is time and energy intensive, yo, and they need someone to keep the goblins off their back while they gather enough energy to take a house down stone by stone.
  • Lan and Nynaeve already have that ‘OH THEY FUCKIN’ energy, to the point where I don’t even know how they’re going to pace out this slow burn.
  • Zoe Robins is nailing Nynaeve. I don’t think there’s been more than a few minutes where she didn’t look like she was seconds away from stepping on someone. She is exuding that white-hot rage.

This Show is Good

Great? No. Not yet. There’s potential. And it’s okay if you don’t like all or any of the changes. All I’m saying is, you’re allowed to dislike something without turning it into your whole personality for the week.


Other The Wheel of Time Posts


The Horizon Zero Dawn Blanket: The Carja Trader

The HZD Blanket


New Gameplay Shown from Horizon Forbidden West

And of course I’m completely focused on the outfit. Besides being mildly obsessed with how well Aloy dresses herself for about five years now, I guess there’s also just nothing they can show me to get me more interested in this game? I already pre-ordered, what am I going to do, create another PSN account to buy another copy for the second PS5 I definitely don’t have? And anyway, the only reason I pre-ordered was for the special outfits. I have a very one-track mind.

This is almost definitely a Carja outfit. That blue is similar to the same light blue featured in every wearable Carja outfit in the first game. The skirt is built the same as the Carja Blazon, and so are the leather pieces around the legs. I think mostly video game trailers and sneak peeks show stuff from fairly early on in the game, so maybe this is one of Aloy’s starting outfits?

The other completely new outfit seen so far is called the Utaru Harvester. We only meet one Utaru in the first game, and as I understood it they’re a tribe living in the Great Plains, aka The Exact Opposite Direction of the Pacific Ocean, so either this will also be a fairly early option or I completely misunderstood what the hell was happening with those people. This entire outfit is made out of pieces of corn, so I at least got that part right.

Also, that image is from Guerrilla’s official cosplay guide of the outfit, and can I just say I love that Guerrilla does this? They have been incredibly supportive of not only cosplayers but also people sharing pictures they took in Photo Mode from the beginning, and I think it really shows appreciation of their fans and an understanding that sometimes fan content can be the best free advertising for your game out there.

Anyway, let’s talk about…

The Soundtrack

For anyone who hasn’t played a video game since Ms. Pacman, if at all, video game music has graduated from beep bop beeb boop to full-on orchestras. Here, let’s take a look at the twenty-eight-year evolution of the same iconic piece: The Chocobo Theme.

That’s right, that weird bird looking thing I use for spoiler prevention has its own theme song! And it slaps! It’s slapped for almost as long as I’ve been alive! It went from four measures of sounds eerily similar to Towelie playing Funky Town on a phone pad to having a full band with fucking violin and guitar picking. It’s like this for pretty much any video game series that has managed to survive since the 8-bit era. Shit sounds like the movies now, and it’s great.

(Side note: no, I will not be explaining chocobos or anything else about the Final Fantasy series here, because I simply don’t have the knowledge about most of it, or the dozens of hours and pounds of graphing paper I’d need to explain what I do know.)

Trying to explain any video game ever but specifically the Zelda series.

So, yeah, if you happen to have a coworker or a family member who says they listen to video game music while they’re working, it’s not like they’re sitting there listening to the vaguely Metallica-esque chunking of Space Invaders. They’re most likely listening to exploration music, which can be very engaging while at the same time fading into the background. This sort of thing is what the Horizon Zero Dawn soundtrack excels at.

Music for Exploring the End of the World

It’s not quite the end of the world, I guess. Only the end of our world.

The people in Horizon Zero Dawn are thriving. They have societies and villages and culture and wars and they do all the things humans do. But their world is built on top of the ruins of ours. And there’s not a lot of them at all. The setting of Horizon Zero Dawn is, for the most part, empty. You, as Aloy, spend a lot of time alone. Sometimes that can be sad, or lonely, or scary. Mostly, though, I think it’s beautiful.

To be fair, I spend a lot of time in open world games exploring. I have played Breath of the Wild for hundreds of hours without actually completing anything but I did max out the amount of apples you can carry. I spent so much time in Red Dead Redemption 2 wandering around and ignoring missions that I kept getting those cutscenes were Bill and Charlie come looking for you and try to get you to come back to camp (and would, of course, tell them to fuck off).

The music for exploring this particular landscape is minimalist. Soft. Haunting. It buoys you along through the frost forests, or the jungles dripping with green, or the not-quite-barren desert as the moon and stars pass over you. It’s reflective music for a character who has grown up alone, and likes the solitude as much as she likes people.

And then you trip over two or three Ravagers and suddenly the music is getting you ready to fight God.

This interview with the team who created the soundtrack is interesting the whole way through, but my two favorite points are:

  1. They were directed by Guerrilla to make sure nothing could be identifiable with any actual group of people living today. Given that this takes place in a far-flung future completely removed from any culture existing today, this seems like an excellent direction. And it worked, at least for me. None of the music in this game reminded me of anything else I’ve ever heard.
  2. Apparently the folks at Guerrilla hate flutes and wouldn’t even let them be in demos made for the Killzone games, so this inspired the creators to find the fuckiest flute they could find: the contrabass flute. An instrument I’d never even heard of before, but if you’ve played the game for any appreciable amount of time you’re going to recognize this thing:

These two are my favorite tracks:

Especially the part at 3:30 when the distorted voices come in.

The Outfit

The Carja Silks or the Carja Trader outfit is a little different than the other ones as it provides no base resistance. Instead, you get an extra modification slot for greater personalization. For the non-gamers, modifications are found through missions and chests discovered in exploration, and give you the same sort of perks some of the outfits give you without having to change. So, like, the Carja Blazon offers its own fire protection, but then you can find modifications that offer additional fire protection to the point where you can be blasted in the face with a roid-raging furnace on legs and walk away without a singed strand of hair. Or you can mix and match by wearing, say, the Oseram Arrow Breaker for protection from projectile attacks, and then fill the mod slots with melee damage protection, and then you can just go HAM on a bandit camp without having to worry about any of the thieving POS’s fucking up your makeup.

As I think I’ve mentioned before, I am never having any of these thoughts when I am dressing Aloy, or any of my characters (except Breath of the Wild where I am only ever wearing the Sheikah Stealth outfit for bug collecting purposes). There’s a concept from the Soulsborne video games called Fashion Souls – basically tossing any sort of consideration for clothing effects out the window and solely dressing to impress. I think for some of these people a part of it is basically saying, ‘Look at me, I’m so good at this I can wear this outfit that looks fly as hell but ultimately leaves me vulnerable at all times and still beat the game.’

That part is not me. I am not good at most video games, I am not afraid to bump shit down to the easy setting, and I have totally died several times in a row before I realized I was wearing something pretty rather than something helpful. So, if I was wearing this outfit at any time, not only was it probably not modded right, I was almost definitely wearing the basic version of it because I like it more.

The Square

This pattern in The Big Book of Granny Squares is called Arcade Square and is one of the few I found without any noticeable mistakes in the instructions, so, hooray, guys! You did it! The squares I chose for the Carja Blazon and Blazon Master were similar for obvious reasons, so I wanted this square to stand out because there isn’t a whole lot in common between them.

While both outfits have vests they are shaped very different, the skirt panels seem more decorative in the trader, and the pants look like they’re fabric rather than leather, offering less protection. Makes sense, given this is outfit is closer to what the merchants in Carja wear rather than the warriors.

As always, this square is made of very basic stitches, this time nothing more than single and double crochets with single chains to add the gaps. I used Caution in the middle to not only represent the yellow belt but also the sun (if you’re just joining us, worshiping the sun is sort of the Carja’s Whole Thing) and then surrounded that with Red for the skirt panel. It was very important to me that the most prominent color here was the Wonderland light blue, because when I think of this outfit that’s the first color that springs to mind. Even though in the outfit the dark blue neckerchief (Sapphire in the square) or ascot or whatever that is and the woven gray shirt (Dove Heather) don’t touch, I put them together so that the Wonderland blue could be at the outermost edge of the square to be the biggest color, and I think it works.

What I really liked with this square was the details at the corners.

While the straight edges of the square are all single crochet-chain or double crochet-chain, the corners are built with little blocks that almost fold in on themselves. It gives the whole block a more structured look, almost like the corners are scaffolded. I was a little worried the square would curl in because I was making gaps out of two chains to extend over blocks made of three double crochets, but the outer layer of doubles really made the whole thing lie flat to the point where I probably won’t even need to block these.

I do have squares planned for two of the Carja settlements, but I’ll be doing those after I do the Shadow Carja tribe for reasons you might already be able to guess. If not, I’ll explain next time. So, ever wondered what would happen if Texas ACTUALLY seceded? Find out next time, when we’ll be working on the Shadow Carja Stalwart!


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Kendrick Lamar Is Dead

It took nearly a year (he thinks) to get used to the twenty-eight-hour day, but now Adam wakes up with the sun.

He sits at the steel and aluminum table he looted out of his own starship in silence as he eats his breakfast. It’s bread. Sort of. He never was much of a baker, and the wheat he grows here has a funny taste. Probably from the soil.

Adam has finally learned to think of it as ‘soil.’ Not ‘earth.’

This planet had no name when he first learned of it. Only a designation. PLX-342. Still in the Milky Way Galaxy. Imagine that. Really imagine it. The same neighborhood. And it took them so long to get here. So long.

The silence becomes oppressive and he goes to the stereo. Like everything else, it runs on star power. He puts on one of the albums from when he was a boy. The music that kept him alive then. It’s keeping him alive now.

Kendrick Lamar is dead, but he tries not to think about that.

The climate here hasn’t been good for the coffee beans so he has to go without. He gets dressed slowly. He does everything slowly, actually. There’s no reason to rush, not anymore. Four extra hours every day and he’s still a creature of Earth. A human. He only needs to sleep seven hours. That leaves nineteen hours to get stuff done.

There’s so much to do. But so much time to do it.

This is where Adam lives. It’s essentially a hut on big wheels. Awkward wheels. Before he left Earth, they had done three years of training. The training to fly the ship, to go to sleep, to wake up, to land, all of that only took six months. Then there was three years of everything else. Hunting. Farming. Making. Six months to learn how to live in the space age. Three years to learn how to live in the stone age. He’d mastered the space age. The stone age? Eh, maybe a B- student.

There were supposed to be others.

He’s an explorer. He’s a nomad. He’s Johnny Appleseed. His home is a hut he built with his own two hands. Pieces of his ship glittering in a wood and thatch hut, all on big wheels. He used the robots to pull it in the beginning. A stroke of luck – by the time they broke down after eleven years, he had found big animals. Animals without predators. Animals that liked him and worked for him, as long as he kept them fed and watered.

Yes, there is water on PLX-342. It was one of the requirements of all nine planets that they sent people to. The effort to send them anywhere was hard enough. They wanted to land, and to do as little work as possible to get the planet ready. Not have to work through the basics, just the surprises.

There is water. There is air. Gravity is practically earth normal. Days are only longer by four hours and years by twenty-seven days. The star he is orbiting, designated YDMS-342, named Bajean by Adam, was calculated to be slightly older than the sun he had been raised under. Destined to expand and explode perhaps a couple billion years earlier. That was a problem for future generations. If there were any.

His two animals he has classified as Noxen, short for near-oxen. When the biologists get here they can give them a better one. And he has named them Billy and Squid. They are the biggest animals he has found, about the size of Clydesdale horses. There were others, before. He didn’t know their stomachs wouldn’t be able to handle wheat. Now he does, and Billy and Squid mostly eat leaves off the trees.

The trees. They look so much like trees on earth. Chlorophyll, it seems, is green everywhere you go. Sometimes, staring up at those trees, he can forget everything. Forget the last fifteen/seventy-five years, forget the dirt beneath him and the air around him isn’t his, forget the smell, forget take off, forget waking up, forget the broken instruments and broken blood and broken bones. He can forget it all, and remember the stuff that came before.

Florida. Palm trees and beaches and rising waters and hurricanes that threatened to blow the house down but never did, not completely. Dad’s cooking, chicken and grits, and eggplant lasagna, and mofongo. Mom taking him and Rashad and Imani to the cape to watch the launches. At first, they went to every launch. Then they came too quickly, they were launching every month, then every week, and by the time Adam was in high school the sonic booms and white smudges in the sky were happening every Tuesday and Friday. He could remember a time when the moon didn’t have lights. Barely.

It wasn’t the first time Mom – Barbara Jean, look, Ma, you’ve got a sun named after you, now – took him to a launch that he decided he must go. Wasn’t the tenth time. In fact, he couldn’t pinpoint the exact moment he decided. He could only think of the moment he realized he’d already decided: that meeting with his school’s guidance counselor (couldn’t remember her name, only that she always wore blouses with loud prints and chewed on her pens until the ends were deformed) his freshman year, when she asked him if he had a goal in life and he’d said yes without hesitation.

Adam was going to space.

Such a statement would have been met with surprise, reluctance, and derision for his parents. Time moves fast, though, and by the time Adam declared himself NASA and the Space Force were letting any able-bodied person into their training. Not that getting into space was easy. Getting into the training program was easy, but it only had a 12% pass rate. Adam hadn’t been the best, but he hadn’t been the worst, either. Middle of the pack, exactly the sort of man the program had been looking for.

Sometimes, rarely, Adam gets homesick for his days on The Moon. There was no family there. No beaches, no good food. But he could go to the View Deck and see it all. Technically speaking, he still can.

Well, everyone on the planet knows technically anything is the worst kind.

The wind shifts and Adam can smell the flowers growing on a vine nearby and he is pulled from his memory back to reality. The flowers here smell nice, but there is something distinctly alien about them, too. It is a sweet smell, but not sweet in the right way. The manufactured sweet of syrup in a plastic bottle, mixed with some smell he has no name for yet. He thinks it is given off by the bugs the flowers eat, but he is not sure.

He feeds Billy and Squid and then begins the walk out to where he is working today. There is nothing to fear in these alien woods besides his own stupidity, so he does not let himself daydream as he walks. Science-fiction, when he was a kid on Earth, always seemed to dream of two kinds of planets: the barren sort with no life that humans had to terraform from scratch, or the lush sort filled with dangerous plants and animals that would try to kill any human who dared step foot. Maybe writers never dreamt of a planet in the middle, but more likely that sort of scenario didn’t sell in Hollywood.

This planet is lush with forests and valleys and lakes, but there is nothing that will instantly kill Adam. The Noxens are the biggest animals and they have no predators, so they weren’t scared of Adam when they met. There are plenty of smaller animals, sure, but they’re not aggressive. In fact, they’re all afraid of Adam. The second biggest animal he has seen, the bigrax, are predators. They’re also only half his size and easy to defend against with basic weapons. They’re not poisonous. Nothing here is poisonous. Well, there are some plants that are ‘food poisoning’ poisonous. But Adam hasn’t studied anything yet that could kill him.

It is exactly the sort of planet they were looking for. Moderate effort could make this planet livable for a population, and it would take not generations, but only decades.

He hopes they come.

Today, his main job is weeding out this forest. It didn’t take long with the functioning equipment to determine which plants will be beneficial to humanity and which ones won’t be. So he’s propagating the good plants and minimizing the useless ones. It is careful work. He doesn’t want to throw the planet off balance. Just shift it a little bit.

It wasn’t supposed to be only him doing this work, obviously. They were sent to the nine planets in teams of nine. Microbiologist, zoologist, botanist, geologist, meteorologist, agriculturist, physicist, physician, and engineer. Three of them would also act as pilot, co-pilot, and navigator. All of them spent those three years doing some cross-training, but you can’t fully teach someone eight separate specialties.

Adam was only supposed to be the botanist. Plants talked to him. In a way he could understand better than humans. He was supposed to work with the agriculturist, Leticia Norman, to learn how to grow their own crops on this soil, and to determine which native plants could be fed to humans. He wasn’t supposed to do the job all by himself. He wasn’t supposed to do the work of the others, either. Track weather patterns. Determine rock types. Build structures. He wasn’t supposed to have to do it all.

He’s reached his destination and has begun the work labeling the plants, so he can let his mind wander again. He’s thinking about when he woke up to everything broken. It’s not a happy memory, but he’s reached a sort of peace with it. It comes so often. Micrometeors. A risk they were all warned about. When the ship hit them, they should have been woken up. But they’d punched through the ship in such a way that the odds were incalculable. Eight of them had been killed. The warning system that should have woken Adam up had been destroyed. The holes they had punched through ships hull had been sealed over. The navigation system hadn’t been touched. By the time the ship had been on approach to PLX-342 and Adam had been woken up, the others had been dead for decades.

The drugs they give you to put you in hypersleep are like anesthesia. That sensation of passing time when waking up in your own bed isn’t there. To Adam, sixty years had passed in an instant, and then he was sitting up in his pod, trying to shake the meds from his system, stretching and coughing and resisting the urge to vomit. It had only taken a few minutes for the silence to reach him. The others were not going through the same motions to either side of him. Half the pods hadn’t even opened.

He does not let himself remember the despair that came after. Always, he is terrified he will sink into that again. Adam wouldn’t even know how long he had huddled in the ship if the computer hadn’t kept careful time. All a blur, a darkness filled with nothing and surrounded by panic. He will not think of the fear at the sounds outside. He will not think about useless tears and aching muscles. He will not think of how fast he went through the stores of alcohol. There is none left.

That’s all over now. He won’t allow himself to go there again, so he doesn’t let himself think about it. The work is what keeps him going. The work must be done.

When he was very little, in kindergarten and maybe first grade, they taught him in school about Columbus. He sailed the ocean blue and found a new world and that world was paradise and he brought that paradise back to the old world. Those old world people came, and they marveled over how perfect and gentle everything was. Nature had tamed itself, probably on God’s account, and given them a new Eden.

When he was older, in middle school, they taught him the truth. That new world had new people in it, and Columbus had not been kind. That new world was only new to them, those angry, demanding white folk. And it wasn’t a paradise because God had created it that way – it was a paradise because the people who already lived there had made it that way. Centuries of careful cultivation dismissed as a miracle.

Adam doesn’t have centuries. He has, at best, forty or fifty years.

He works carefully, at his own speed. When he’s tired, he rests. When he’s thirsty, he drinks. At sixteen hundred, when Bajean above is at her strongest, he finds a new plant. A vine twisting across the soil and sending shoots of leaves and flowers above the rest of the tangle. Adam shifts gears easily, pulling out the identification kit he takes with him everywhere. He may wear all hats now, but he was the botanist first. He hums to himself without knowing he’s doing it as he sends the vine through all of his tests. Carefully selects samples of leaf, flower, and vine so as not to hurt it, snipping with his garden sheers with the sort of grace he’d expect if he were in otherworldly hands. Packs the samples in their boxes for further study. Takes a sample of nearby soil. Pictures. Lots of pictures. Still humming the dead man’s song, Adam puts it all together and closes up the identification kit. He will continue when he gets home tonight. The vine complete, he goes back to his gardening tools.

Everyone he knew when he left is dead. He was asleep for sixty years, and he was not a young man when he left. Most of the people back on Earth, alive right this second, will be dead by the time his message reaches them. The communication array had been damaged in the same disaster that had killed or broken everything else. The shortbeam was broken. Longbeam worked. Instead of getting the message in ten years, the message would flow back to earth at the same speed the ship had flowed away from it. Sixty years. Forty-five now.

And what would it find? This is a thing Adam lets himself think about all the time, because he has no answers and he can think about the possibilities for hours. They had been working on ways to fix the planet, yes, but they also didn’t send out almost a hundred people in billion dollar ships to nine different points in the galaxy because it sounded like a good time. As the day grows late and Adam begins the walk back to his home, he let’s himself think of it. They could have fixed the planet and everyone is fine. They could have fixed the planet and then the Yellowstone Caldera blew and now they’re all dead. One of the other ships could have found a new home, sent back word, and now they’re already preparing for the exodus.

He’s distracted as he walks back to his home, but he doesn’t trip and break something. That isn’t what this story is. This is just the story of a man, once called Isaiah but now he thinks of himself as Adam, having a day on planet PLX-342. This will be all of his days. He was sent to this planet with a job to do, and though things have gone wrong, he is determined to do it. Forty-five years until the message reaches the planet means he’ll probably be dead before NASA or whatever is left knows there’s a new world out there waiting for humanity. How long will it take them to respond? Will they even come? All questions Adam doesn’t need the answer to.

Adam will continue on, cultivating this world to the best of his ability. Cataloguing everything he finds. Mapping land and water. Because he will not be rescued. Because he has the training, and the skills, to do it. Because his parents taught him to live with love in his heart. Because he has a stereo with good speakers to remind him of the things he left behind. The things that might come to him, someday.

He hopes they come.