Three Ghosts on Christmas Eve

Keith got woken up at exactly midnight by some sound or another in his bedroom and he was immediately up, standing next to the bed, the baseball bat he kept underneath already in his hands.

“Don’t be afraid!” said a voice. “For I am the ghost-”

Keith swung the baseball bat in the direction of the voice and made contact with something hard. It was an aluminum bat, so the sound was incredibly satisfying.

“What?” said the voice.

But Keith was already in the hallway, running. It was a shitty neighborhood, so he’d had this plan ever since he’d moved in. He’d even practiced getting the bat out from the under the bed. One point six three seconds was his record for going from under the covers to ready to swing. He was sure he’d been slower tonight but he’d never actually practiced from dead asleep.

Anyway, Keith was no fighter. He wasn’t even fit. He never started anything because he knew he wouldn’t be the one to finish it. So the plan for an intruder was swing the bat at their head, and then when they were distracted by the fact that they had just taken an aluminum bat to the temple, fucking run.

“Wait, I’m trying-”

Keith swung the bat again at the shape talking at him in the dark. He knew there might be others. He was ready. His bat connected again and the shape went down in a groaning heap.

“Motherfucker,” he muttered under his breath, and then he was moving.

It was fucking freezing outside. Christmas Eve. You’d never get a white Christmas in Houston but you could get a bastard of a cold front. He was still in his shorts and nothing else. His feet slapped on the cold ground. He only had to cross the parking lot to get to Teddy’s place.

“You need to stop!”

There hadn’t been someone standing in front of him before, had there? No, no, Keith was on high fucking alert, he would have noticed. And he definitely would have noticed a cat like this one. Wearing some sort of old-timey clothes, all white and lace and baby-faced. Sheesh, should this kid even be out this late?

All of these thoughts were going through Keiths brain at the same time his adrenaline-snorting lizard brain screamed SWING SWING SWING and then the little Victorian child took the bat to the face again.

I should stop, said Keith’s brain.

TRAP! the lizard brain screamed, and Keith kept running. The sound of kid’s wails followed him, but he had no remorse.

Kids shouldn’t be out this late in this neighborhood, shit.

“Fine!” The kid screamed, threatening to wake up the whole block. “I was just trying to do something nice, but screw you then! I’m calling the others to cancel!”

Teddy let him in after almost a minute of pounding, and then Keith fell onto the ratty couch, dropping the bat on the floor.

“Someone finally break into your place?” Teddy asked, standing over him and scratching his stomach.

“Uh huh,” Keith said. “Some Victorian ghost thingy. I think they were trying to Scrooge me.”

“Scrooge you? Man, why, you don’t do shit.”

Keith held his hands out. “That’s what I’m saying!”

“Fuck that. Lay low here, at least until past three. That’s when the last one is supposed to come. Can’t drag you around if they can’t find you.”

“Teddy?” Linda Lee called from the bedroom. “What’s going on?”

“Keith is going to sleep on the couch. Some ghosts just tried to Scrooge him.”

“Ain’t they got some rich asshole to bother?”

“These rich assholes just pay one of their ‘staff’ to deal with it,” Keith said. “Thanks for the couch, man.”

“Don’t fucking worry about it, man. We’ll do eggs in the morning. Fucking ghosts, thinking they can just wake a man up in the middle of the night…”

Still muttering to himself, Teddy went back to bad. Keith knew Linda Lee kept a spare blanket and pillow in the compartment in the ottoman and helped himself. He was asleep in under five minutes, and when the sun rose on Christmas day it found Keith a well-rested man.


Through a Portal

“It could be worse.”

It was Felix’s favorite thing to say. And he said it a lot. What was even weirder was, he seemed to always mean it.

Like the time the two of them had been chased through four separate towns by palace guards. At first they had been on horses, at least, but then one of them had found a gopher hole and its leg had snapped like a particularly large twig and the other horse had freaked the fuck out, bucked Illa off, and run off across the field in solidarity. Then it was just the two of them on foot, running for their lives, dodging through copses of trees, flailing through corn and wheat. Until, finally, almost like it was always going to end that way, they found themselves atop a fifty foot cliff, staring down at the rough waters of the O’del’atai River.

And breath the gods’ name if Felix hadn’t looked down at the water, and then at the guards rapidly closing in on them, and then at Illa. And given her that shrug.

“It could be worse.”

He’d tossed himself over before Illa could even understand what he’d said let alone what he was about to do. And then she was tossing herself over, too, because dying to the river was a much better fate than dying to a bunch of palace guard pricks.

Felix had said it during illness. During battle. During jobs gone horribly gone, and a few that had gone horribly right. No matter how bad thing were, how hurt they were, how lost they were, whatever had happened, no matter how bad…things could always be worse.

She was waiting for him to say it now, and she was already pissed about it. Their luck had finally run out, in the worst way possible. A job, supposedly simple, in and out, set up by a mad bastard. Well, they had known Heldu was a mad bastard. They didn’t know he was a traitor as well.

“Not to mention an asshole,” Illa said, pacing around what little space the jail cell gave them. “He let us get all the way to the goods before springing the trap. He could have shown his hand as soon as we got into the palace, but noooo, he wanted us to make fools of us.”

It was the last time they would be taking a job from Heldu. Actually, if they couldn’t find a way out of this jail cell in time, it was the last job they’d be taking, period.

Felix was sitting on top of a barrel, stacked on top of a couple other barrels. That way he could reach the small barred window up near the ceiling of the cell. He had an arm draped casually over the stone and was staring dreamily out.

“You know, Illa,” Felix said.

Illa’s blood pressure skyrocketed and she squeezed her hands into fists.

“Felix, if you’re about to tell me it could be worse, save it, because otherwise I won’t be liable for my actions.”

Felix smiled at her and shrugged. It was as bad as if he had said it.

“You’re thinking it!” she screamed. A rat, startled by her outburst, tried to scuttle off. She attempted a kick and only managed to unbalance herself.

“How could anything possibly be worse? We’ve been betrayed. Sold out to the palace and that despotic psychopath. He’s wanted our heads for years and now he has them. And even if we somehow manage to get ourselves out of here, our reputation will be completely shot. Everyone will know we fell for Heldu’s bullshit. We are fucked! In every single direction! Fucked! Fucked! Fucked!”

She screamed again and was inches away from punching the wall before she remembered that the wall was pure stone and she’d already broken her other hand that way before. She settled for screaming some more.

“So don’t sit there and tell me that it could be worse! Because I don’t fucking see how!”

Felix, completely unbothered, shifted a little on his barrel perch, making them sway. When he was sure he wasn’t about to fall eight feet to the floor, he looked at her.

“Did I ever tell you where I came from?” he asked.

“Hama’tami,” Illa answered automatically.

Felix shook his head. “That’s where you found me. That’s where I arrived. But that’s not where I’m from.”

Illa moved cautiously, sitting on the floor in the corner. Felix never talked about anything before Hama’tami. It was as though there hadn’t been anything before that little seaside village, so Illa just assumed he’d grown up there and didn’t want to talk about it.

“So,” she said, when he spoke no more. “Where are you from?”

“I’m from a place called Ohio,” he said. “Specifically, Cincinnati.”

“Um…okay,” Illa said. She wasn’t sure where he was going with this. Or why he was telling her now.

The end is here. That’s why.

“I’ve never heard of Ohio. Or Cin…cinsi…

“Cincinnati. And you wouldn’t have.”

“Is it…are you from the other side of the ocean?”

“I’m from much farther than that,” he said, still calm. “Cincinnati isn’t in this world.”

Illa rolled her eyes, sure he was pulling her leg. “Okay. Sure. You’re an alien. Is that what you’re telling me?”

“No, no, of course not,” he said. “I’m an extradimensional being. I think. That sounds too fancy, but I think that’s correct.”

“A whatty what?”

“I’m not from this world. I’m from a different version of it. What I call Cincinnati, you call Hama’tami.”

He’s completely cracked. The pressure got to him.

If that was true, he wasn’t showing it. Besides talking utter nonsense, he was still the same old Felix, the one she’d known for almost twenty years. Calm. Leaning against the window like they weren’t blocked with cell bars. A laughing look in his eyes, like everything was the biggest joke.

They were stuck down here. Hours from death. There was nothing else to do.

Illa shifted, sitting forward. “So, what’s Cincinnati like?”

“It sucked,” he said. “Everything about it. But it wasn’t just Cincinnati. That city wasn’t any worse than any other place. The whole planet was shit.”

She raised an eyebrow. “You’d seen the whole planet?”

“Yes. In a way. It’s hard to explain. We had this stuff. Called it technology. It was like magic. And everybody could see everywhere, anywhere, whenever they wanted to. You were always connected to everybody else, whether you wanted to be or not.”

“That sounds…” she trailed off. She couldn’t decide how it sounded. On the one hand, the idea of getting to talk to her grandmother back in her home village anytime she wanted sounded lovely. On the other hand, having her cousins back in the village be able to talk to her whenever they wanted to sounded like hell on earth.

“Yeah, it was a mixed bag. That was only part of the problem. Everything was the problem, I guess. Every day, I woke up just to go to work for nine and a half hours. I sat in this building, in this chair, in front of one of the things that let us connect, and I pressed buttons and clicked a mouse all day.”

“A…mouse?”

“Yeah, it’s…don’t worry about it. I don’t know how to explain without being here all night.”

“We are going to be here all night.”

He waved a hand at her, causing the barrel to shift.

“That was all I did. All day. Five days a week. Then I drove home in my car. That took an hour, each way. So by the time I got home it was time to eat dinner and then I was too exhausted to do anything else. Why would I leave the house again? I’d have to drive a half hour just to see anybody, and then a half hour back, and that left, what, an hour to socialize? It didn’t seem like enough. Besides that, there were always chores. Make dinner. Clean the kitchen after dinner. Scrub the toilets. Mow the lawn.”

None of these words made much sense to Illa, but they didn’t have to. She could hear what mattered in his voice. The sadness. The loneliness.

“You didn’t have anyone?”

“Friends, sure. My parents. But like I said, we barely saw each other. We were all run ragged. Exhausted. Too much work. No time for each other. It was…debilitating.”

He looked at her, and for a brief second Illa thought she could see what he was describing, etched into the lines in his face.

“One day, my car broke down. I was stuck on the side of the highway. Triple-A wasn’t going to be able to be there for four hours, it was rush hour, no one was stopping to even check on me, why would they? They all had their own misery to rush home to. So I started walking. Got off the highway. Found myself in a part of town I’d never been in before. I was heading for the gas station, get a bite to eat, and then I saw it.”

“Saw what?”

“A portal. I’d never seen one before, but somehow I knew that’s what it was. Maybe just because of television and movies?”

“Movies?”

“Forget it. I saw it, on the side of the road, this silver pool of shimmering light just a little taller than me, right next to a post box. And I just…jumped in. I didn’t even hesitate. I figured, whatever was on the other side of the portal had to be better than where I was. And I was right.”

“Wait. You couldn’t see to the other side? And you still jumped?”

He nodded like it was the most logical thing ever. And, if he was telling the truth, maybe it was.

“I’m not kidding. Whatever I found on the other side had to be better, it had to be. Even if it killed me, at least I wasn’t stuck in the grind anymore. And then I came through, and I found Hama’tami. Like I won the fucking lottery. So, yeah, we might be hours away from being hanged in the palace courtyard by a piece of shit dictator, but at least I don’t have to go to work tomorrow.”

Illa blinked, unsure what, if anything, she could say to that.

“And anyway, we’re not about to be hanged.”

“Oh, really?” she asked. “How’s that?”

Someone appeared in the window. A child, a little girl, covered in grime but smiling like a rainbow. She handed something to Felix and scurried off before she could be noticed.

Felix finally jumped off the barrels and showed Illa what was in her hand.

A key.

“Because, now that it’s not impossible, I am very, very good at making friends.”

Illa grinned at him.


Inspired by:


I Am Not Immune to Propaganda

I don’t usually write about internet drama because a) that’s not really what I do here and b) I’m always paranoid about attracting the wrong sort of attention. I’m just a little guy, over here in my corner writing up my weird stories and random thoughts about popular culture, I don’t need any heat.

But I’m going to do it today because I’m not exactly writing about the drama, more about something the drama has exposed. It has caused a revelation, of sorts, and forced me to look inward and examine what’s there.

I don’t fucking like it.

Holy Shit, This James Somerton Guy is a Piece of Work

Briefly, just in case you’ve somehow missed this (it’s a big internet, after all), James Somerton is (was?) a video essayist on YouTube producing hour long videos. A gay man, his focus was on queer media studies, with videos exploring queer theory and meaning in stuff like Disney, horror, and anime. I question whether he’s still going to be on YouTube for much longer because on December 2nd, YouTuber hbomberguy released a video with two full hours documenting how Somerton has been plagiarizing other creators, just, like, wholly lifting text from other books and articles and reading them straight-faced into the camera like he wrote it. Less than twenty-four later another YouTuber, Todd in the Shadows, released a second video, also almost two hours, revealing that every time Somerton isn’t ripping off other people, he’s making up the most poo-flinging, bugfuck crazy lies you have ever heard in your life.

Hbomberguy’s video is here.

Todd in the Shadow’s video is here.

If you think I’m embedding a four hour and a two hour video into this article, you’re insane.

You owe it to yourself to even just skim Todd’s video, because after I finished hbomberguy’s video I thought, ‘oh, this Somerton fellow is pretty unscrupulous and lazy,’ but after I finished Todd’s video that changed to, ‘Oh, this guy is crazy crazy.’

Which made it feel all the worse that I had recently started watching Somerton’s videos and hadn’t noticed anything.

It’s All the Algorithm’s Fault

I watch a lot of video essayists on YouTube. A lot of them are made by queer creators. And I love vampires, although I’m not sure exactly how YouTube caught wind of that. Maybe I just listened to the Olivia Rodrigo song on repeat too often, I don’t know, however it happened about two weeks before hbomberguy’s video YouTube started recommending a video called “Vampires, and the Gays That Love Them.”

(While Somerton has practically nuked the rest of his online presence, including his Twitter and Patreon, all of his YouTube videos are still up, albeit with the comments disabled. I’m still not going to link the videos myself because honestly, fuck that guy, you can find them yourself if you want.)

The thumbnail was Nadja from What We Do in the Shadows, a show I love. I still resisted for a while, because the video is close to an hour long and that’s a lot of time to risk on a guy I had literally never heard of before, but eventually I had the time to try it and gave in.

And I liked it.

Worse, I believed all of it. Despite being into vampires I’ve never actually read any of Anne Rice’s stuff, so when he said vampires in her books can’t physically get erections I just took it at face value. I even repeated it to my husband later as a fun little tidbit.

The Todd in the Shadow’s video linked above goes into how not only is this incorrect, apparently the wording of the books might mean that Rice’s vampires are erect all the time? I don’t know, but given five seconds of thought ‘always erect’ makes way, way more sense than ‘never erect’ in Rice’s universe.

I watched two other videos, “Neil Gaiman & Queering Fantasy,” and “The Campy Sensibilities of Barbie,” and still nothing really stood out to me, even though that first video also has some bullshit debunked by Todd about how Good Omens came about. Before I had the time to watch any more, the bomb had gone off.

In My Defense

I will say, none of his lies in those three videos are as completely insane as what he says in others. If I had first been presented with Somerton’s video “The Gay Body Image Crisis,” where he insists American GI’s signed up for WWII specifically because they were jealous of how hot Nazi soldiers were, I would have immediately recognized how insane that thought process was and been turned off

Or, if I had seen “Evil Queens: A Queer Look at Disney History,” one of the videos that started all of this and is now not-so-suspiciously absent from his YouTube page, I would have been put on high alert because this time I know the topic being discussed. When he claimed Gay Days was put on by Disney I would have recognized it for bullshit. I lived in Orlando for thirteen years and was a Disney Adult before that was even a term people used. I know a lot about Disney World history, and his claim that Disney had any official LGBTQ events would have jumped out at me, as it did to others, because Disney has been walking a very fine line with their queer fans and their parks for fucking decades. All queer events at Disney have been completely unsanctioned, organized by others, but never actively blocked by Disney, either, because this way they could gather that sweet, sweet cash from both their queer and bigoted fans. They held their first officially sanctioned Pride Nite this fucking year (2023), potentially because they wanted to kick Ron DeSantis squarely in his oddly-shaped balls (citation needed).

In the three videos that I watched, there was nothing nearly as insane as ‘American joes weren’t turned on by Soviets in their puffy coats,’ and there was nothing I was already knew, so all the lies just sort of…flew by me.

But that doesn’t make things better.

I Think That Makes It Worse, Actually

There’s a reason that the way we describe people falling into conspiracy theories and the like is with terms like ‘pipeline’ and ‘rabbit hole.’ You can’t just knock on a person’s door, start screaming in their face that the moon is actually a sentient being who watches us all and causes us to die of old age and if we blast it out of the sky we could all live forever as gods, and expect them to fucking follow you to your van to join your anti-moon army. You have to work up to that shit. Lure them in with something that kind of, sort of makes sense if you squint, and then take them deeper from there.

So that’s what was happening with me, right? I watched some of his more normal, not-fully-insane videos and thought they were okay.

And while I’m mostly focusing on his insane lies here, it’s important to note that part of the reason myself and other people were willing to believe all that shit is because he stole well-written words from other authors to make himself sound serious and trustworthy. His videos are about 95% salient points stolen from other people bridged with 5% “I’m pretending I don’t but I really hate women.” And before you have time to process that 5% he’s back on the stolen goods sounding better than ever.

I could have just kept going through his backlog, and maybe by the time I hit some of his more unhinged points I would have just rolled with it.

And that fucking terrifies me.

I Am Not Immune To Propaganda

I have known this on a factual level for years. It is so, so easy to see other people falling for things that are, to you, obvious and outrageous lies and think to yourself, ‘that could never happen to me.’

But it can happen to all of us. All of us. Just because you can recognize some propaganda as transparently obvious doesn’t mean you’re not falling for another form of propaganda at the exact same time.

And this guy was tailored to fly under my bullshit radar. At surface level, he’s very much like a lot of the other YouTube creators I watch. I had his videos on in the background while I played a game, so I wasn’t watching the screen the whole time and missed that his sources, when he bothered to pretend he was presenting them, weren’t presented correctly. He talks calmly, and with authority, and honestly a lot of the stuff he lies about it’s like…why would he lie about it? It’s like when that picture of the Pope in a puffy coat was floating about and then it turned out to be AI generated. I saw that picture and believed it because why would someone lie about that.

And even if I eventually had hit a video that made me realized he was full of shit, at that point I would have been full of his other lies and maybe I wouldn’t remember where I had heard them. I would still carry a lie as a fact, telling it to other people, propagating it, all because I didn’t remember I had heard it from the shit-seller.

At least now I know one of the ways I might fall for some bullshit, so that’s a silver lining. It still sucks I watched any of his content and believed it, and I only got three videos in. Because as much as its important that we all know we are not immune to propaganda and have to constantly be vigilant, constant vigilance is exhausting and it’s so much more fun to imagine that we are above it all, too smart for any of the conmen and grifters to touch us.

Unfortunately, that line of thinking gets your wallet stolen at the gas station.


ABL: Always Be Looting

Aspen Village spread out before them. The same collection of wood and thatch homes, pubs, shops, and little people yelling at each other that they had seen over and over and over on their journey.

This one was important.

The horde was coming. On their backs. The entire way across the Panaplor Fields and through the Windy Forests they had heard the terrible sounds behind them, snarling, yelling, cursing, awful laughing. If they could stop the horde at this town they might be able to stop them for good. If not, Aspen Village would be only the first to be mowed down.

“We must cross the village to the mayor,” Sammi said, pointing across the village toward the oddly large manor planted on the other end, looming over the rest of the buildings. “We must convince Mayor Stoubbourne to raise the fortifications and ring the warning bell. If we cannot save the town, we can save the people.”

“Right!” Sammi’s partner, Di, said. “We’ll make our stand here, and show those hordes that they cannot relieve the Plentiful Lands of their light so easily!”

Sammi nodded, uplifted by Di’s words, and started down the Main Street of town. He was not quite running – he did not want to frighten all the people and start a panic without having some sort of plan in place – but he moved quickly, with purpose. And a scowl hard enough to keep out of his way.

“Hopefully this Mayor Stoubbourne will be willing…Di?”

She’d been right behind him, and now she was completely gone.

“Di?” he called louder.

“Just a second!”

Sammi backtracked until he could find where her voice had come from. A dead-end alley between two houses. Clearly used by the villagers for storage, there was no way through, and nothing more than random boxes and a rat nest to find.

Di was flipping through the boxes, dangerously close to the rat nest.

“Um…Di?”

“Yeah, hold on,” she said, not looking up from the rags she was pulling out of the box.

“Did you…uh…hear something? Back here?”

“No, I just saw this dead end and had to check it out. So far…bullseye!”

Di stood up, her face beaming, over her head she triumphantly held…

“A potion?”

“A high potion!” she said, squirrelling it away into her bag. Where Sammi knew, for a fact, she had thirty-seven other high potions that she never even used. The oldest one had been in there for three weeks.

He shook his head. “Well…great…but we must be going. The horde will be here any minute!”

Away they went down the main road of the village, the mayor’s home inching ever close. But would they reach the home with enough time to-

“Di!”

He’d lost her again.

“Just a second!”

She was down another alley. Picking up barrels. Peering into the space underneath. Finding nothing. Of course she as finding nothing.

“Score!”

Di moved a barrel and picked up what she had found underneath – a cheap dagger, really nothing more than a silver butter knife.

“Do you really need that?” Sammi asked.

“Um, duh,” she said, shoving it into her bag.

“You already have much better daggers, Di. Several, in fact.”

“Yeah, but this one I’ll be able to sell for some coin!”

Three or four coin, from the look of it. And Sammi knew Di had more than enough money to walk into that tavern over there and buy the place out.

Which, apparently, was exactly where she was going.

“Di! We are in a rush!”

“I know, I just need to go inside and talk to everyone real fast!”

“…what?

But she was already gone inside.

Sammi refused to follow her. She had always been a distracted woman, prone to wandering off path when she saw a cluster of berry bushes or a cat she wanted to pet, but this was too much. The hordes were right there. Surely less than a field or two away from town. He had believed that this sort of urgency would keep her from wandering too far.

Ten minutes later Di came out of the tavern, waving to the people inside.

“I promise, Roderick, I will find your missing cows!” she called to someone inside. There was blackberry smeared on her face and the smell of alcohol on her breath. She grinned at Sammi.

“I just found us, like, five new jobs,” she said. “And a couple of high potions, and this gold sword everyone swore I could take with no issue. This is a great town. Lovely people.”

“Yes,” Sammi said through gritted teeth. “It is. They are. Which is why we have to hurry.

“Hurry over to that blacksmith to see if I can get my armor and gear upgraded.”

“We’re going to die here,” Sammi muttered to himself as he watched her hustle over to the fires.


Nature, Nurture

The Bloodiest Girls’ Night


“Absolutely not.”

It’s what Shaun had said to Honey, roughly an hour ago. Specifically, they were absolutely not taking the hunter back to the apartment they were technically, sort-of, not really renting from a dead woman named Shirley Hagle. Strictly speaking Shirley was still renting the apartment from the Happy Homes Rental Conglomerate, they just had no idea the woman had died of a heart attack and was buried under the roses in the back.

He’d known it was a lie as soon as it came out of his mouth but he said it anyway, and then he argued with Honey about it for almost five minutes.

All of her arguments were sound but not a single one of them mattered. He knew they were taking him as soon as he looked at him, way before she’d said anything. The stake he’d managed to peel off the body of the crumpled pile of bones and meat that used to be the third hunter had gone home into that vampires body. Before the dust of her had settled Shaun had zipped over to Honey, afraid either the first hunter – the one who had run away – had come back or that the second one had woken up and was being a dick.

There was something about the way they carried themselves. Hunters. How Shaun could always find them. Like they were just so God damned right about everything. You couldn’t beat it out of them, either. They’d be lying there on the ground, inches away from death, and still every muscle would be taut, every joint a sharp angle, and their eyes would flame with the sort of righteous fury you only ever saw in action movie heroes, or incredibly pissed off nuns. Baked into every cell, their essence, their soul. If that was even really a thing.

It had been in the hunter before, stalking down the street with the others, practically strutting as he tried to carry the weight of being so fucking perfect.

Thinking back, maybe there had been cracks. A little too tall, his stride a little too long. Trying too hard. Forcing the perfection. Forcing himself to match the two hunters he walked between. Because all of that holy roller bullshit was completely gone.

Honey was knelt on the ground and had put his head on her thighs. He didn’t seem to notice. He didn’t seem to notice anything. He was looking up to the washed out city night, eyes swimming, dazed, occasionally chasing something that only he could see. His shoulder was at an incorrect angle. He was covered in bruises and bleeding in more than a few places.

More than anything else, he looked wrong. Not a great hunter, knocked back but ready to bounce back at any second. Not a strong hunter, capable of ignoring the damage. And not a purposeful hunter, refusing to give up.

He was just a man. A kid, really, couldn’t be more than twenty. Maybe not even old enough to drink and he’d completely given up. Ready to die. His heartrate went up as Shaun approached but not because he knew what Shaun was or that Shaun was even there. He was still in the fight. He was waiting for the woman in the silver dress.

He’d been a hunter a few minutes ago. Now he was just a broken sad sack in desperate need of a shower and some stitches and probably some alcohol.

Anyway, that had been an hour ago. Shaun had argued because he didn’t want it to seem like Honey could win everything without putting up a fight.

Leave him here.

What if another vampire comes? Or he bleeds out or something?

Take him to the hospital.

We don’t know how this city works. They could find him, kill him in his bed.

He’s not our problem.

He’s supposed to be the hunters’ problem but one’s dead and the other fucked off.

Probably he’d come up with a few other arguments but they were also probably shit. Eventually he decided he’d put in enough effort and picked the kid up.

Now he was getting blood all over Shirley’s couch. They’d tied up some ripped shirts around the bleeding spots but that was about it. Neither of them had a firm grasp on first aid. If he made it through the night – if it didn’t turn out he had a brain bleed or something – they would figure out what to do when he woke up. Probably get his shoulder back in its socket.

“He’s going to try to kill me,” Shaun said.

Honey shrugged. “Yeah. At least we know he’s bad at it.”


Next


Some Thoughts On Christmas Songs

Christmas is the Time to Say I Love You

The year is 1981 and Billy Squier has had exactly two Billboard hits, and only one has survived into the twentieth-century: “The Stroke.” Which, while an absolute banger, includes lines like ‘keep your contributions by your side,’ and ‘work your way right into my face.’ Like, it’s not about thatbut it’s totally about that.

Oh, I guess “Lonely is the Night” didn’t get released as a single but ended up blowing up on the radio anyway? Which is completely deserved because “Lonely is the Night” is easily his best song and it’s not even close.

Anyway, someone looked at “The Stroke” and this fucking guy with this fucking hair, and went, “yeah, that dude should totally write a Christmas song.”

Look, okay, it was the beginning of the ‘80s. An entire generation of people had climbed out of the ‘70s and decided that they were going to be extra about literally every little thing. Like, there was no such thing as ‘a little bit’ for an entire fucking decade. Synthesizers are new? Better put, like, seven different ones in every single song. Muted colors? Fuck you, I want to be seen from space. Ronald Reagan is the greatest American president ever and definitely isn’t already implementing a bunch of fucked up policies that will increase the distance between the rich and the poor and destroy the very concept of the middle class as we know it, while at the same time ignoring the AIDS crisis because if he keeps ignoring it more people he hates dies. I want my MTV!

Honest to God I’m actually shocked humanity didn’t blow itself up in the eighties and I’m not surprised that a lot of the currently terrible things can be traced directly back to this fucking decade.

So anyway, someone had the great idea that this guy:

Should do a Christmas song and he did, releasing it as a B side to a song called “My Kinda Lover” because of fucking course, and the only surprise in any of this is that the Christmas song he made is sort wholesome, and it fucking slaps.

Jesus Christ 1981 was over forty years ago.

Also, friendly reminder that a lot of the nerds in this video were considered, at the time, to be the coolest fucking people on the planet.

Santa Baby

Okay, here’s my deal with this song: if you’re going to write an entire fucking song about how you’re willing to trade sexual favors in exchange for expensive gifts from Santa! Of all fucking people! Lady, you do understand that giving shit away for free is, like, Santa’s whole bag right? He’s also happily married. He’ll just give you a Tiffany watch if that’s what you want, you don’t have to promise to give him a handy in the back of his sleigh. I’m not kink shaming, I just need you to admit that you have a Santa fetish and you would be getting way more out of this deal than old Mr. K.

If you’re going to sing that song, I need you to sing it like you’re a fully grown-up woman making consensual decisions, okay? I need you to be proud of the freak that you are. I absolutely hate the versions of this song where they sing it like some Born Sexy Yesterday Bettie Boop character. This song is not creepy until you make yourself sound like a child singing it.

In conclusion, Eartha Kitt’s version is the only valid one. This woman is willing and ready to do some disgusting things for a yacht, and not only is she not hiding behind a veneer of innocence to hide that fact, she’s honestly looking forward to the disgusting stuff way more than the boat.

The No Homo Version of “Santa Baby” by Michael Buble

This feels like a hate crime.

Christmas Island

I love how writers will-

No, wait, go back.

The No Homo Version of “Santa Baby” by Michael Buble

Is it a No-Homo? Because, yeah, he’s constantly calling Santa “Buddy” or “Pally” or “Dude,” and he begs Santa to think of all the ‘hotties’ he’s deprived of his attention all year, he’s obviously trying to form some sort of emotional and physical distance between Santa…

But he also refers to himself as a “sweetie,” and then he calls Santa “Papi?” And the undertones. He does nothing to speed up the tempo or make the whole transaction sound even remotely innocent. He’s crooning these words out with almost as much sexual tension as Eartha Kitt in her version.

So, what the fuck Michael? Do you want Santa’s D or not?

Is…is this queerbaiting?

I’m so confused. Almost as confused as Michael, apparently.

Anyway.

Christmas Island

I love how writers will absolutely obsess about placenames in their worldbuilding, breaking their backs in mental gymnastics to name every single continent, country, and village in their world something that sounds appropriate and also has hidden meaning. Meanwhile this rock in the Indian Ocean is so name because white people found it Christmas Day.

Human beings are so, so lazy, writers, you can absolutely have a world with, like, fifteen different places named ‘Queensland.’

The song came about in the forties right around the time America went insane for Tiki and Pacific Island culture. But not real Pacific Island culture. Just whatever they wanted it to be. So, hula in grass skirts, colorful rum drinks, and ukulele but also a lot of steel guitar? And definitely, absolutely, no doubt about it, reverence for the same Christian holidays.

Anyway, if you really want to spend time on Christmas Island I hope you fucking love crabs. Every year millions of large red crabs decide the forest fucking sucks and makes tracks for the ocean. All at the same time.

It usually happens in October but can happen as late as December, so Christmas on Christmas Island is less waiting for Santa to show up with new stuff and more watching the crabs take away all your current stuff. You weren’t using it anyway.

Dominic The Donkey

Some of you didn’t grow up in an Italian-American household and it fucking shows.

I swear to fucking God Italians have spent the last hundred years hate criming themselves.

Also the line “Because the reindeer they cannot climb the hills of Italy,” like…??? What the fuck are you talking about Lou? Reindeer fucking fly.


The Bloodiest Girls’ Night

Outside the Sundae Fundae


The thing about vampires and vampire hunters is they both believed themselves to be better hunters than they were.

The vampires were first, walking down the street in a raucous and outrageously dressed group of four. Women out on a girl’s night, looking to make bad decisions. Except all of their bad decisions were going to end up dead.

But they had picked up a tail.

Three hunters, moving too fast trying to keep up with the women to make their casual saunter believable. They had made a half-assed attempt to blend in, trying to dress like the other college and mid-twenties bros that were drunkenly enjoying the night. But a backwards hat and a popped collar does not a fuckboy make. The three men radiated so much cop energy dudes enveloped in a casual haze of doob were crossing the street to avoid them. And marijuana had been legal in this state for half a decade.

The three hunters didn’t notice the civilians. They only had eyes for the vampires in front of them

The vampires clearly only had eyes for the hunters. They had been heading deeper downtown, toward the next block lined with clubs, and then had suddenly switched, going straight through an intersection toward the industrial side of the city.

The hunters were following.

The vampires knew they were being followed.

The hunters knew the vampires knew.

And trailing behind by half a block, Shuan and Honey might as well have rats in the gutter.

The amount of people on the sidewalk had dropped off significantly. No one down here was serving overpriced alcohol to the sound of too-loud music so why bother? The few people they did pass were blue collars getting off late shifts. They ignored the three groups of people, pretending they weren’t there even as they stepped off the sidewalk to avoid them. Honey had noticed people who worked late into the night had a better sense of when to see nothing and keep walking, even if they didn’t know why.

“So, they know they’re being followed,” Honey muttered. Just because they hadn’t been noticed yet didn’t mean screaming about it was a good idea. “And the others have to know they know, and they’re being led into a trap. But they still follow anyway?”

Shaun nodded, keeping his eyes forward.

“They are all fully confident that they will win,” he said. “So to them, it doesn’t matter.”

Honey snorted, and then looked nervously ahead. Nothing. Not even a glance back.

“What do?”

Shaun fired off three rapid ASL letters: S-C-P. Something they had co-opted from the internet for their own personal use.

Neither of them gave a shit if any of the vampires or hunters in front of them lived through the next twenty minutes. In fact, in an ideal world, they would all kill each other until only two remained, at which point they could both fatally stab each other at the exact same time, or perhaps a very small meteorite could cruise through the sky and crush them both. Honey wasn’t picky.

What they did care about was unsuspecting normies wandering into the fray and getting split in half. Vampires would pounce on any human they could for the strength, and hunters had a shockingly strict ‘no witnesses’ policy. As though, what, if a regular everyday human merely saw a vampire for the first time they’d be immediately drawn to the night-side and start filing down their incisors? Honey didn’t know and she didn’t plan on getting close enough to ask.

So, the last three…no, four, four times, now…the last four times they had come across vampires and hunters clearly about to rumble, Honey and Shaun had designated themselves the official bouncers of the fight.

SCP.

Secure and contain the fight. Protect the innocents who might otherwise wander into the fray.

Just shy of the train tracks the women supposedly on a girls night took their party down an alley. No, Honey realized as they got closer. An entrance. A factory, about four stories tall, with a courtyard in the middle. Probably for trucks. Loading and unloading. Honking. Getting impatient. That sort of thing. Certainly not for the bloodsport about to go down.

By the time they reached the entrance to the courtyard the vampires and the hunters were both inside. Shaun held up a finger and then was gone, jogging around the entire building. Something that would have taken Honey upwards of five minutes, but Shaun was back in a matter of seconds.

“All the other ways in are gated and locked,” he said. “And I’m pretty sure the building is empty, too. Maybe unused.”

“So, they’ve definitely done this before,” Honey said of the women.

Shaun nodded. “Or at least planned on it.”

Honey glanced up and down the street. A single person was all she saw, on the other side of the street and a few blocks down already, heading for the local.

“This is the only way in or out, for sure?”

“Yes.”

“So, we just need to be somewhere in this general area?” she said, gesturing with both hands down the alley into the center of the building.

Shaun understood what she was getting at. He grinned.

Neither of them wanted much to do with vampire/hunter turf wars. But watching the fights could be really entertaining.

They posted up down the alley, slightly behind a pile of those things that look like giant thread bobbins. In the middle of the factory courtyard the two groups were facing each other, still sizing up.

“Twenty bucks on the hunters,” Shaun muttered.

“Are you insane? They’re all going to die,” Honey said.

“How do you figure?”

“Those women are still wearing their heels, that’s how I figure. If they think they can win this fight four inches off the ground then their confidence alone is strong enough to snap some necks.”

Over-confidence. They…here we go.”

Almost immediately the biggest of the three hunters managed to get a wooden stake into the chest of one of the women, evening the playing field and making Honey curse to herself. Twenty bucks could mean buying herself a guilt-free box of those overly-expensive French cookies she had seen in the shop window next to the Sundae Fundae.

Her attention was taken by one of the hunters, and then she couldn’t notice anything else.

She had seen him, of course, as they followed. Of the three he was middling in height, a few inches taller than the shortest one but almost a foot shorter than the big guy who had started the fight with a bang. He was smaller than both of them, though, not quite as thick around the shoulders, the arms, the chest. On the street she hadn’t thought anything of it. Hunters could be wirey bastards. Back in Baltimore she saw a hunter smaller than herself take out three vampires all on her own, in quick succession. Size didn’t matter as long as he knew what he was doing.

He did not.

Okay, that wasn’t exactly fair. He was doing well enough to stay alive, at least. But he was clearly new. Barely trained. Every hit he managed to get in seemed by accident, usually while he was in the process of scrambling away. He spent a lot of time knocked over, on the ground, barely managing to kick whatever vampire woman had put him there in the face to buy himself a couple of seconds to stand. Only to get hit again. If he survived this fight he was going to be a penguin with a sunburn: black and white and red all over.

Something rushed past them, waking Honey up.

It was one of the hunters. The big one. Rushing down out of the factory, blood dripping behind him. He didn’t seem to notice Shaun and Honey. He barely even looked back.

The other hunter was dead. In a broken heap off to the side.

There was only one vampire left. The one in the silver dress. Still wearing her heels. They clicked slowly, with every step, as she advanced on the only one left.

The new guy. On the ground again. Barely conscious. Trying to pull himself back.

He left him…he left him?

Honey had never seen that before. Hunters were massive pieces of shit but she’d never seen them abandon each other like that.

Left to die. That asshole left him to die!

“You need to go out there,” Honey hissed.

Shaun looked at her like she’d completely slid off her cracker. “What?”

“Kill her. Save him!”

“Why the fuck would I save a hunter?”

“He’s new, he doesn’t know what he’s doing, and his awful friend left him to die! Go! Go!”

Honey shoved him out from behind the giant spools before he could argue.

The vampire stopped, confused, staring at Shaun.

“What the fuck are you doing here?” she asked.

“I don’t really know, myself,” he said, rubbing the back of his head. He looked toward Honey with pleading eyes.

Please don’t make me do this.

Honey waved a hand at him while making those puppy-dog eyes she knew he couldn’t say no to. Please. For me.

With a great big sigh and a roll of his eyes, Shaun turned back to last vampire.

“Fuck! I guess I’m here to fight.”

And before the woman could say he’d already missed all the fun he’d launched himself at her.

As soon as their fight took them away from the hunter, Honey ran to him. He’d given up trying to go anywhere, and was simply look up into the night sky. He was bleeding from a whole bunch of places. His shoulder looked dislocated. He’d definitely been hit in the head enough times to get a concussion.

“You’re okay,” she said. “We’re going to get you out of here. My name’s Honey. What’s yours?”

He turned over to his side and spat out a tooth, managing to get a spray of blood all over her pants in the process.

“Great.”


Scenes From the Worst Wedding You’ve Ever Been To

The Vows

“…you will always be my best friend.”

Holly dabbed at her eyes as they welled up with her tears. She wasn’t particularly close with her cousin, actually hadn’t seen Theresa in close to ten years, and didn’t know she was capable of writing something so simple and yet so moving.

I’m no good at weddings.

But as she looked around the little gathering of white chairs she noticed she wasn’t the only one trying to keep composure. Tessa’s vows had simply been that good.

“And now for the groom,” the pastor said, gesturing to Alex. She had never actually met the guy, but Tessa had been with him for eight years, now, so there had to be something about him.

There was a look on his face as he pulled out his little crumpled sheet of paper from his suit pocket that Holly didn’t like.

“My beautiful Theresa, I have given you so much over the years. My time, my love, my…love…

He glanced around the crowd to make sure everyone understood his little innuendo. A couple people groaned, and that was good enough for him.

“And now, I’m giving you the best thing a person could ever ask for: an admission ticket to the Miller family. The best family.”

“He said what now,” Nate asked from next to her.

Holly gave him a half-hearted shush. Tried to. She was actually just as baffled as he was.

“We have been together through thick and thin. That’s right. Thin – that’s you – and thick – you know that’s me.”

More groans, and some laughter as Alex wiggled his eyebrows and glanced repeatedly, emphatically, at his crotch. Not the good kind of laughter, Holly noted with semi-relief. The sort of half-hearted chuckle that comes from second-hand embarrassment.

“If the future is even half as good as what the last eight years has been, I can’t wait to live an entire life together with you,” Alex said.

Okay, back on track.

“We will make our house a true marital home. You in the kitchen, me in the TV room. You in the laundry room, me in the basement cave. And, of course, both of us in the bedroom. A lot. I’m talking at least five times a week.”

His five best men all started hooting and hollering. The pastor – wasn’t he Alex’s uncle? – tried to say something but got completely drowned out. Tessa still had a shocked smile on her face and seemed to be taking it okay. Holly didn’t know how. If Nate had tried any of this shit-

“Jesus Christ, if you hadn’t killed me already, this is where you would have killed me,” Nate said next to her.

“Our lives can only go up from here-”

“Oh, my God.”

“Don’t say it.”

“But I don’t want you to forget about going down.”

The audience reaction was a mix of groans and thin laughter. Tessa’s smile had finally cracked a little, but she quickly tried to cover it up.

“Does your cousin have self esteem issues?” Nate asked as the…happy?…couple went down the aisle.

“Starting to feel that way,” Holly said.

The Portraits

Holly was staring at table filled with hors d’eouvres and trying to decide if she wanted a cucumber sandwich or a pig in a blanket when Nate came hustling over, wiggling through people and trying not to cause a scene.

“Hol, Hol, dude, oh my God,” he said, pushing into her side. He was panting.

“What the hell happened? I thought you just went to the bathroom?”

Nate nodded and gently grabbed her elbow, pulling her away from the people already staring at him.

“I did. That’s where I was. And when I was coming back I saw them taking the official wedding portraits. Look at this shit.”

He held out his phone, trying to make sure only Holly saw. It was a picture of Tessa, Alex, and all of his groomsmen. Tessa was holding a sign that said “WE GOT MARRIED ON A FRIDAY BECAUSE…” while Alex and his buddies were holding a red, white, and blue flag that said “BECAUSE SATURDAYS ARE FOR THE BOYS.” Alex and his buddies were chugging beers while Tessa mostly just looked embarrassed.

“What…the fuck…” Holly said, staring at it.

“I mean, I guess I don’t have to be so secretive. The fucking photographer was taking this picture, can you believe it?”

Holly grunted. “I mean, I’ve seen worse. At least it wasn’t that one where all the bridesmaid are kneeling so they look like they’re-”

She was cut off by Nate flipping to the next picture, which happened to be the exact scene she was describing. Holly stared at it for a few seconds before she remembered what words were.

“Yikes.”

The Wedding Cake

“Everyone!”

The harried event planner was making her way through the crowd of folding tables, eyes wild, gesturing for people to follow her.

“The bride and groom are going to cut the cake!”

Holly breathed a sigh of relief. At least this wedding had cake. The last couple she’d had to go to this year had only had weird little things like cupcakes and cakepops.

Alex and Tessa were already up by the cake. It was clear they were supposed to be doing the traditional ‘cut a slice together.’ The photographer, looking as though she’d never be able to unsee what had gone down in the portrait session, fidgeted near the camera and the lighting. She clearly needed a cigarette and a stiff drink.

It took Alex’s mother a few seconds to wrestle the can of beer out of his hand, only winning after promising to give it back as soon as the cake was cut.

The happy couple took the cake server hand in hand and effortlessly cut through the two tiered marbled cake, avoiding the novelty topper with the bride dragging the groom by his hair.

“Feed each other a piece!” the photographer shouted.

People all around Holly shouted encouragement for the couple to do the same, but she could feel Nate stiffen next to her. He knew. She knew. They both could see with crystal clarity what was about to happen.

The event planner gave the couple little plates with perfect squares of cake. Holly gingerly picked hers up, trying to keep cake from getting under fingernails.

She was still smiling when she looked up and got Alex’s piece mushed completely into her nose and eyes.

Tessa winced, almost fell back, kept her footing by a mere inch, and then gamely tried to give a thumbs up, indicating she was okay. She still had her piece in her hand, and squinting out of frosting covered eyes she managed to smear it all over Alex’s nose and mouth.

Everyone applauded and even gave little cheers, as though the cold, iron gates of hell hadn’t just been pried open by cake covered fingers.

The look in Alex’s eyes was not something Holly had seen before and never wanted to see again. He wasn’t a man. He wasn’t even a wild animal. He was a demon, one who had crawled through those open gates with a taste for flesh and would use the first thing he found as a weapon.

And the first thing he found was wedding cake.

Alex plunged his hands into the cake up to his wrists and cake free with two hunks of vanilla and chocolate. Tessa never stood a chance. The cake was in her face. In her hair. All over her dress. Her nose had been bloodied. People were screaming. Tessa’s mother had fainted. Still, Alex picked up what remained of the cake and held it aloft over his head, ready to throw.

That was when the maid of honor tackled Alex to the ground, the two of them sliding across the dance floor as the cake Alex had been holding fell all over them.

People were going to help.

No, Holly realized as she watched Alex’s pastor uncle take a swing at Tessa’s dad, people were going in for the fight.

“Okay, we need to leave,” she said to Nate, pushing him toward the door. “I will not be in another wedding where the cops show up.”


Crossing the River

There were more willows behind the first one, seven in all, all grouped together in a little culvert carved out of the riverbank. While the water raced in the middle of the river, here just a few inches of it sailed in leisure. One tree stood deeper in the river than the others, the water rushing by the trunk a whole half a foot higher than the muck. Harper watched as with a wince Imrie dove her hand into the icy water and fished around.

“Here it is.”

Harper stared at her, and then stared at Imrie’s hand. A thick rope, water logged and slick, was tied around the base of the willow. From Imrie’s hand the other side dove back under the way, pointing directly across the river.

“What am I looking at?”

“Rope bridge.”

“Aren’t bridges supposed to be above the water?”

“Not when you don’t want anyone to find them,” Imrie said. “Smugglers use this to get stuff across the river without paying the king’s taxes.”

There were questions Harper knew she should be asking.

Why do you know that?

Who do you know?

Are you insane?

None of those questions would help them get across the river, so instead she gestured for the rope and took it in her hands. She bounced it a few times to test its weight, and slid her palms over it.

“It’s tied across the river?”

“One of the trees over there,” Imrie said, gesturing to the other bank.

“Is there a trick to it?”

“Not really. You see how the river here bends out on both sides? There’s some sort of stone formation here. Up there, under the bridge, the river’s deep. Here, it only comes up to the neck. You hold onto the rope, keep your feet underneath you, and pull.”

Harper looked across the river again, her eyes crawling up the slopes beyond. While the east side of the river was all cursed lands, the other side of the river was the beginning of the mountains. The slopes went up rapidly, covered with heavy cinnamon barked pines and blue firs. Somewhere, cutting between all those trees, was the trail they should have been on. All the way at the top, so high Imrie couldn’t see it beyond the treetops, was a meadow in the sky and the flowers they both wanted.

“Let’s do it.”

Harper pretended she didn’t notice the look of surprise on Imrie’s face and instead focused on keeping her heart from flying out of her chest.

Of course she didn’t want to rope crawl her way across a freezing cold river racing inches below her head. But Athanasia was at home, pale and barely breathing. And those men – men she thought she could trust – had managed to turn the whole expedition into a competition. She couldn’t turn back, and they couldn’t waste the time going up to the next bridge.

There was no other option.

“Get on this side, upriver of the rope. That way if you slip, the rope might catch you,” Imrie said, showing her. “Never let go of the rope completely. One hand, then the other. It’s going to be cold. So cold your heart is probably going to skip a few beats.”

Harper clapped her hands, startling Imrie. “Sorry. I have something for that! Hold on.”

She dove into her pockets, pulling a few things out as she spoke.

“Carrus seed oil. Dried pepper flakes. Cactus spines. All in a bit of ginger gum. Here.”

She held out the two little balls she had created on her palm. Imrie looked at both of them like they were going to come to life and stuff themselves in her nose, then looked at Harper.

“What am I supposed to do with this?”

“Chew it,” Harper picked one up and popped it in her mouth. It crackled a little until the cactus spines softened. “It’ll keep you warm. I don’t get to make this often. Not a lot of need for it around here.”

Imrie only stared at her, with a single glance for the gumball. “Pass.”

“If the water is as cold as you say…”

“I’ll be fine.”

Harper shrugged and put the extra gumball back into one of her pockets. “Suit yourself.”

“Won’t all of your…supplies get wet?” Imrie asked, pointing at Harper’s pocketed skirts.

Harper smiled. “Oh, see, now that’s really interesting. It’s actually a bit of magic woken right into the fabric of the apron. You do that with an incantation, and just a touch of-”

“Never mind,” Imrie said, waving her hands in front of her. Harper tried to hide her disappointment. No one found green magic quite as interesting as Harper did. “Are you ready?”

Imrie tied her hair up on the top of her head. Harper checked her braid to make sure it was still secured. With a final, questioning look, Imrie picked up the rope and began walking into the river.

The flower. Think of the flower. Picture it in your mind and keep it there. Definitely do not think of the water racing past you, or the rocks down river you could smash into, or the logs coming from upstream. Don’t think of those things. Think of the shallsa flower.

Imrie was already up to her waist, both hands on the rope in front of her. Was it her imagination, or had her skin lost some color? Did her hair shake from the water rushing by, or was she shivering?

Thinking, not doing.

Harper picked up the rope and took a deep breath, filling herself with all the air she could hold.

She walked into the river.

Even with the protection of the gumball, the iciness of the river tried to get into her, a breath away from caressing her skin. Lashing out at her over and over again, trying to find a weakness in the magic. She’d made the sister spell, the gumballs that protected against heat, too many times to count. They were a best seller at the apothecary. Surely, if she could make one so well, she could make the other.

A few more steps and the water came up above her ankles. Her socks were already soaked and-

Her boot slipped on the stone beneath her. Both feet went shooting downriver, desperate to follow the water. Water splashed up her entire right side, getting into her ear. The scream that had been forced out of her was washed away before she could make it.

The gumball popped out.

Ice replaced every bit of blood and nerve she had. Goosebumps broke out so fast on her arms it hurt. The world seemed to narrow to a pinpoint in front of her, and then widen so fast it made her dizzy. Her heart was beating like a syncopated drum.

The rope.

It was slick with water and mildew. The grip she had on it was strong enough to rival a miner’s vice. She was not so deep yet, and when she managed to get herself into a sitting position the water only climbed up to her shoulders. She was facing downriver, getting pushed into the rope. Her midsection burned from the pressure.

The sounds of the river were too loud. Imrie had heard nothing. She was halfway across now, the water rushing past just below her chin. As Harper watched, she lurched forward in slow, jerking bouts. Lunge. Pause. Lunge. Pause. Lunge. Pause.

The flower. Keep thinking of the flower.

Harper made herself take three deep breaths. She’d been knocked over from the strength of the water and the slickness of the rocks. Well, she could make at least one of those things work for her. Bracing herself against the rope, she stayed on her butt and pulled herself to the side. Now fully soaked, it felt like she was dragging along half a herd of sheep with her. Each pull only got her a few inches. Her arms were already aching. She could feel the sharp points of the rock tearing her skirt bottom. A sound, like, a chattering bird came to her. Eventually, she realized it was her teeth.

It only took eight pulls across the river stones before she was deep enough to try to stand again. She moved as slow as she could and as fast as she dared. Too fast, she’d slip again, and maybe this time go under. Too slow, and she’d freeze solid into a single shape, her joints unable to move. Her toes were already completely gone, nothing but nerveless weights filling the tips of her shoes. Eventually, without much more drama than there already was, Harper was standing again. The water deepened quickly now. In the space of four steps it went from just below her chest to cutting across her chin even as she held it up.

Harper was halfway across the river. Imrie was much farther. It looked like she had started coming up the other bank. The water was only up to her shoulders. If Imrie could do it, wearing all that leather, then Harper could, too. They would be out of this river in mere minutes. She could warm them up and dry them off (if Imrie let her) and they would be heading up the mountain path. They could be to Lantern Light by tonight, maybe, or at least early in the morning. All she had to do was keep pushing forward.

Down river, she could see where the banks narrowed, forcing the water to race and bubble past jutting stones. Rapids. Upriver, she could barely see where the bridge had once been standing, broken wood jutting out over water.

Something else.

What was that?

A bit of the bridge, that’s what it was. A large hunk of wood, it must have only just tumbled off the edges. It rolled along with the current, coming right for them.

No, not for them.

“Imrie, look out!”

Imrie turned her head to look back to Harper and saw it coming only a second before it slammed directly into her. However big Harper had thought it was, she was wrong. So wrong. The half-log must have come from the bridge base. It was the size of Imrie. Bigger. It pushed her down the river, over the rope, like she was nothing more than a clump of fabric.

And then she slumped down under the water.

“Imrie!”

In her head it was a scream. In reality it was barely a gasp, and the sound of it was whisked away by the rushing river.

Harper took a deep breath and dove under the rope, toward where Imrie had last been.

Her heart stopped, she was sure of it. The tips of her ears and her nose went numb and the rest of her head started buzzing. Opening her eyes underwater brought the worst pain. What else could she do? If she went under the river blind she was sure to hit a rock.

She swam across the water with open, unpracticed strokes. Athanasia had insisted she learn the basics in the river next to Moment’s Peace. Harper thought all of that had been a complete waste of time until this exact moment.

How fast am I going down the river? How far were those rocks?

If Imrie hit those rocks head on without bracing she was going to break something.

One stroke. Two. Three four. Nothing but eddies of water slipped through her open fingers or brushed across her arms. Water and silt slid sideways past her.

Her lungs were burning. She shot up, gasping. She was far enough along to stand and keep her head above the water – that is, if the water had been still. The current was stronger at the bottom of the river, and it kept forcing her feet out from under her, taking away her balance. She swallowed river water and the cold shot through her insides.

Harper dove again, this time going as close to the river bottom as she could. The rocks had to be coming. She had seconds, and then the raging water was going to become confusing, faster, sharper. She was practically flailing under the water, searching for something, anything, any sign she had ever been in the water, any sign at-

Her right hand brushed against something. In the depths of the river, hovering above the stones, she found a hand. Then an arm. And then a face.

Imrie.

There was no celebrating, nor even relief. They still had to get out of the river and away from the rocks. Forget trying to get back to the rope. They had to get to the bank.

She got an arm under Imrie’s back and arms and pulled. It took all of her strength to get the two of them to the surface. She drank deeply of the air, not caring how much her lungs burned.

Imrie wasn’t breathing.

The mountain, where’s the mountain?

It was fully afternoon now, and the sun was behind the mountain. Long shadows reached. Alternating between pushing against the river bottom and kicking against the water, Harper moved toward the shadow, trying to find the source. It was getting hard to keep her own head above the water, let alone Imrie’s. She kept sliding down. She was getting heavier and heavier. The current was taking them downstream faster than she was taking them to shore. The water to her left was getting louder and louder as the rocks loomed. She braced herself.

If the rock she hit had had any sharp edges that probably would have been the end of them. A simple whap, splat, split, and done, with nothing but broken bones and trails of blood to speak for their existence.

But the rock she hit was flat. Worn smooth by the water. Her left arm smacked into it evenly, hard enough she knew it would bruise a deep purple all the way from her shoulder to her wrist. Once she was out of this freezing water and her nerves had come back to life, it was going to hurt like hell. For now, it was something to brace against.

The rock stretched all the way to the riverbank. Only a few feet away now. Still deep, still deep. She pushed forward, sliding her left arm against the stone. She had Imrie tucked under her right arm, face barely above the water. It was starting to drop around them, now only coming up to her chest, now her hips, now her knees. She had to drag Imrie out of the water, unable to lift her.

“Imrie, Imrie, stay with me,” she muttered, too quiet for her to hear even if she was still conscious. Which she wasn’t. She wasn’t breathing either.

Something curious happened.

All of the fear. The panic. The confusion. Everything melted away. Even her heart slowed, her breathing became tempered, the frozen nerves came back to life. It was like some sort of jam had been released from her mind, and for the first time ever she could think.

Inches away from the river, she knelt next to Imrie. Her movements became precise. She took off her apron and laid it flat next to her. Reached into her deepest pocket and found the willow branches she had broken off not twenty minutes ago. She started waving them over Imrie in slow, circular motions. Clockwise. There was an incantation, but words were a crutch for green mages. A crutch she didn’t need right now.

She could feel the magic. It was firelight on a warm night. Leafy shade in the middle of the day. Soothing songs hummed over the half-asleep. It built and built above her, following the willows, chasing it, wondering what was to happen next.

Then, the water. The water in Imrie’s clothes. Her hair. Her lungs. Swirling up. Toward the willow branches. Toward the magic. Imrie’s lips parted and river water, heavy and dirty, sprayed upward without ever coming down. In a matter of minutes she was dry as a bone while a heavy mass of water spun around itself two feet above.

A flick of the wrist and the willow branches sailed into the river. The water in the air followed, collapsing harmlessly back where it belonged.

Still, Imrie didn’t breathe.

Still, Harper found emotions strangely distant.

Both hands on the ground, she reached for the roots of the trees around her. Felt them linking to her, her soft fingers and their hard wood becoming one. Knowing all. Sharing all.

Harper stared at the part of Imrie’s chest that held the heart.

“Spark.”

Her heart beat. And beat. And beat.

Imrie gasped for air, jerking forward, clutching at her chest and her middle. Then fell back.

Unconscious. Breathing.


Sally and Slick Eddie

When she pulled the van back in front of the big house the lights were still on, even though it was almost one in the morning. It would be Eddie in there waiting for her, she just knew it. Eddie wasn’t really as bad as she made herself out to be, but Sally’d rather discuss her feelings with a tiger shark than her.

When the engine died she expected Manny and Zuraida to wake up. It had always been enough to wake her up, back in the days when it wasn’t her driving. Zuraida rolled over to her other side but settled back into a deep sleep immediately. In the seat next to her, Manny was leaning against the door, eyes closed, mouth open. He didn’t stir at all as the engine cut, and Sally watched him for a bit to make sure he was still breathing. Sally worried for Zuraida, but only as far as the next few months. Zuraida was new to this and might die from a rookie mistake, but there was some spark about her that made Sally think she’d be okay. Hell, she got attacked by a vampire and managed to sleep a little that night. More than you could say for some.

Manny, on the other hand, she just plain worried about. He’d been living with Trini for…she didn’t even know how long. Longer than she’d know either of them, and that was months. At least a year before that, given the way they talked to each other. But there was still this idea in him that his life could go back to the way it had been. That something could snap back at any moment and put him back in New York. He had that same hope for Zuraida. It was going to get someone killed.

With a slow, practiced hand, she popped the van door open, climbed down to the brick, and closed it again, careful to make as little noise as possible. When she peered in through the window, Manny and Zuraida hadn’t even moved. Good. Let them sleep. She’d come back in a few minutes.

There was no reason to ring the bell. She opened the door, knowing it would be unlocked. The only sounds were the sounds that would continue for hours or days if everyone inside died, the motors and the air and the chimes of the clock on the wall. It didn’t slow Sally down. She knew exactly where she was going. Through the living room, down a hall at the back. The wall to her left, the back wall, was entirely glass, now only reflecting herself back to her. The hallway ended on a single door, half opened. The smell of cigarettes and the tinkling of piano music wafted out to meet her.

It was an office, looking entirely out of place among the rest of the house. It was modern, sleek, with plenty of white and glass surfaces and dim lighting. The desk Eddie sat behind was large but simple, pale metal and glass. A crystal ash tray on the corner was full of butts and a still smoking cigarette. The wall of shelves behind her was sparsely populated with very expensive looking things, a Fabergé egg, a katana, a comic book sealed in a plastic bag. The window to the river had continued from the hall, and Sally knew the glass was bullet proof. The other wall had a built in wet bar, and that was where Sally went first, barely acknowledging Eddie, who didn’t even look up from her paperwork herself.

“No ice?” Sally asked, peering into the empty mini-fridge that sat under the sink.

“Ice dilutes the bourbon,” Eddie said, not looking up. “Drink it like a man.”

As Sally poured herself a drink from one of the glass bottles on the counter, Eddie finished up whatever it was she was working on and put the papers in a drawer next to her. She picked up the cigarette from the ash tray and pulled on it heavily, burning it down to the filter. The butt got smashed in with its already fallen brethren and Eddie lit another one. She offered the pack to Sally as she sat in one of the stiff chairs in front of the desk.

Sally shook her head. “Trying to quit.”

“That sucks,” Eddie said, tapping ash into the tray. “Seems to be a pattern with you. Did you get it?”

The look Sally gave Eddie as she pulled the velvet bag of cards out from her pocket was ice cold.

“How long?” Eddie asked as she picked up the bag to inspect the cards.

“You mean, how long did it take for me to figure out that they weren’t criminals and you did actually send me to knock over a mom and pop shop?” Sally asked.

Eddie waited for half a second, then nodded. “Yes, that.”

“I half figured that was the truth the entire way there, honestly. I’ve never heard of Sylvester and Ammie Piquo. But, hell, I didn’t do work for every fence in the country, did I? Then we get there, I send those two to scout the front and slip around back. And what do I find? No cameras. No guards. And that Sylvester fella had left the back door open to let the night breeze in. Once I saw that I knew.”

“But I’m guessing you didn’t buy these from them?” Eddie asked, holding up the cards.

Sally snorted. “Fuck no. They wanted four grand for them.”

“I told you they had them overpriced.” The cards almost went back on the desk, but after a quick glance at her cigarette Eddie leaned down and put them in a drawer. “Did you tell Frick and Frack out there?”

Sally was going to answer, and she was going to tell the truth. Of course she was, because she wasn’t worried about it. They didn’t need to know the Piquos weren’t criminals, there was already enough on their minds without getting into the sticky moral quandary of what constitutes ownership. The answer didn’t come fast enough, not for Eddie’s liking, who shot her a viper smile as smoke poured from her nostrils.

“Already lying to your friends,” she said, and then tutted. “Not a great way to start a relationship.”

Sally stared at the brown liquid in her glass like it might have answers. Now there’s a guaranteed path to failure. Bourbon didn’t have answers, and never pretended it did. Just burning. She swallowed the whole thing down and put it down on Eddie’s desk.

“They’re not friends, and we’re not starting a relationship,” she said. She stood up quickly, as though momentum was required for the next step. “They wanted to get to Needles and get those books. Now they have them and my job is done.”

Slick Eddie had stared at Sally’s glass for a few seconds in irritation. When no coaster had sprung into existence underneath it, she had sighed and gone to the shelf behind her for one from the stack. It was only after she had gotten the round piece of leather under the glass that she looked up, her face carefully even.

“It’s funny. It kind of sounds like you’re planning on leaving and making me babysit the kids. But you can’t do that to me.”

“Watch me,” Sally said. She shrugged. “They’re adults, Eddie, they can take care of themselves, they just-”

“No, you misunderstood. You can’t do that to me. I made that deal for the books under the assumption that you would be here to supervise. If you leave, I’m afraid the books do, too.”

“That was never part of the deal!”

“It was from my end,” Eddie said, holding out her hands. “I guess that’s the problem with verbal agreements. What, you want to call a lawyer? Take it to one of those TV courts? I’ve got the books, so as far as I see, I’ve got the power. You stay. Keep an eye on them while I can’t. Did you really think I’d let you walk out and leave me alone with whatever the girl is and Rikki Tikki Timebomb out there?”

Sally slowly sat down on the edge of the seat. “What did Trini tell you?”

“Same thing she tells everyone – nothing. But I gathered the books are for the girl, otherwise she’d be at home eating mama’s cooking.”

“And Manny?”

Eddie raised her eyebrows. “I’ve got eyes, don’t I?”

“I’ve been leaning towards ‘tragic chainsaw accident’ on that,” Sally said.

“Yes, well, you were always the optimist.”

“You’re really not going to let this go, huh?”

“If by ‘this’ you mean ‘you,’ then no, I’m not.”

Sally sighed and ran a hand through her hair. “I’m going to need more bourbon.”