The Neighbor’s House is Haunted

It was the sort of dream that wasn’t any sort of way in any particular direction. Soft, out of focus scenes played one after the other, no rhyme, no reason, nothing too scary, nothing too pleasant. The sort of dreams you forget about before you’ve even woken up.

Dave still didn’t appreciate being torn from them. The fact it was nothing short of a piercing, jagged scream through the window that woke him up was chocolate icing on the crap cake. He looked over at the clock on the nightstand.

Four hours until my alarm goes off. Shit.

“Noooooooooooo…..”

Another scream.

Next to him, Crystal rolled over.

“Wuzzat?” she muttered, rubbing her forehead.

Dave sighed. “Neighbors.”

“Not again.”

The house next door had been haunted for as long as they had lived on Oak Street. Longer, actually. The first time their realtor had brought them to this house she had paused on its brick walkway to the front door and eyed the neighboring house suspiciously.

“Be glad I’m showing you this house, and not that one. Not that I would ever sell that house to anyone, no, that’s all Marlene.”

“Structural damage?” Crystal had asked. Like all the houses on Oak Street, the two were nearly identical save for little differences. Paint on the shutters, cornices, that sort of thing.

“No,” their realtor had said, lowering her voice. “Haunted.”

“Haunted?” Dave had said with a snort.

“I know, I know. ‘What the F,’ right? Except it is. Goes through tenants faster than a cheap apartment above a meth lab. And the thing is, we don’t even know why. Marlene doesn’t care. There’s no recorded murder in the building so she never has to disclose something is wrong. Just keeps selling it every couple of years. Terrible bitch, that one.”

“Haunted?” was all Dave could think to say again.

And the realtor had simply shrugged. “Why do you think all the houses on this block are so much cheaper than the rest of the area?”

Dave had wondered, actually. Similar houses a block away were going for hundreds of thousands more than this one. He figured there was a high-tension power line, or a smell, or bad neighbors. Certainly nothing he couldn’t ignore in this economy.

Haunted neighbors, though. That had been a new one.

Of course they had bought the house. And of course they had been skeptical about the haunting. Until the screaming started.

Anyway, that had been eight years ago. The house next door had gone through five families. This was the sixth. They had only moved in a couple months ago.

“Seems early for them to be this loud,” Crystal muttered, her eyes still closed.

“I know,” Dave said. He’d sat up against the headboard. Once he had been woken up at night, he was awake. It took him hours to get back to sleep, if he ever did. It worked out pretty well when the kids were babies. If they woke up in the middle of the night, so did he, and he’d take care of them until dawn when he could tag in Crystal and he could pass out on the couch for a few hours before work. But the kids were six and three, now, and mercifully on the other side of the house. They only ever woke when things got really bad. Usually the last night before whatever family was over there finally decided to throw in the towel.

More screams from next door woke him up, followed by huge booms that rumbled through the ground. He’d been dozing. Damn it, maybe he would have been able to fall back asleep. Now that was ruined.

Now Crystal was sitting up, too, staring at the window. She sleepily rubbed an eye as she yawned.

“Jeez, Dave, this one sounds bad,” she said. “Maybe you should go over there?”

“What the hell am I going to do?” he asked.

“I don’t know! Make sure they’re all right.”

He bit his tongue, because the only thing he could say was the same thing. He was a regional sales manager for a company that made at-home hard water testing kits. The only things he knew about hauntings were the stuff he saw on television, and he doubted very much whatever was terrorizing the Thompsons was the Babadook. And even if it was, he couldn’t remember how they had gotten rid of him in the movie. Wait, had they?

“They knew what they were getting into,” Dave said.

Crystal only stared at him in the dark. “If you won’t go, I will.”

He half sighed, half growled. He didn’t want that either. He didn’t want any of them going anywhere near that house when it was quiet, let alone when the screaming rave was going on.

“Fine, fine! But if I die I’m haunting you.”

“Don’t go in. Just knock on the door. Maybe the entity still thinks we don’t know about it.”

The Thompsons really did know what they were getting into. Dave, Lilah Burke on the other side of the haunted house, and Ray Nevins across the street had gotten together at a barbecue five years back and decided enough was enough. That had been immediately after the Patels had been driven from the house in under six months, a new record. If this realtor Marlene wasn’t going to tell potential buyers about the dangers just to make a quick buck, then it was up to them.

There was a fence between the two houses in the back, and Dave had made sure to be tending to the flowers and bushes every time he noticed Marlene pull up in her Escalade with new potential buyers. Lilah always posted up on her deck with a book, and Ray would start cleaning their car. Cleanest Jeep in the entire tri-county area.

“Hi!” Dave would say, friendlier than Mr. Rogers, drawing them closer to him and further away from the house and Marlene. “You looking to buy this place?”

And they would answer in the affirmative and start ask questions about the neighborhood. Dave would usually interrupt them.

“Don’t buy this place, it is haunted.”

And their smiles would falter. And they would inevitably asked, “…what?”

“It’s haunted. Very haunted. No one died here so Marlene doesn’t have to say anything, and she won’t if you ask, but it is very, very haunted, so don’t buy it, okay? You don’t have to believe me, just look at the sell history on Zillow.”

It was shocking how well this worked. Dave never got to talk to them after they walked away from him with the sort of eyes you give a man muttering to himself on the train, but he was willing to bet real money that they did look at the sell history on Zillow, saw that people were moving in and out every one to two years, and decided that even if it wasn’t ghosts, something was making people leave and they didn’t want any part of it.

And then eventually someone just simply couldn’t pass up the dirt cheap price. Dave understood. The economy, you know. This time it was the Thompsons. They had five kids. They probably would have moved directly into hell if it was rent controlled.

Dave stumbled down the stairs in the dark, trying to not wake up the kids. He got his boots on and pulled a coat over his t-shirt. He was only mildly surprised when he got to the sidewalk and saw Lilah and Ray already standing in front of the house, staring up at it.

“The partners send you out, too?” he asked.

The two of them nodded.

“How long ago did they move in again?” Ray asked.

“Three months,” Lilah said. “Way too soon for whatever is in there to be this loud already.”

As if on cue, something akin to a roar melted though the house’s boards.

“I bet one of those kids is a medium,” Ray said.

“A medium?”

“You know, a psychic or something. Latent powers or whatnot.”

“Oh,” Dave said, nodding. “And whatever’s in there latched onto the kid. Like, it’s feeding off them or something.”

Lilah looked at them like they were both insane. “What the hell are you two talking about?”

“I saw it in a movie,” Dave and Ray said at the same time.

“Well, whatever is going on, Val sent me out here because she thinks if I knock the thing in there will cut it out.”

“Crystal, too.”

Ray sighed. “Guess we should try that then, huh? Hopefully that works, because I will be out of ideas after that.”

None of them were psychic themselves, of course. If it wasn’t for moving in next door to a hellmouth, none of them would have believed in psychics, either. But here they were, and here was the house, and as they got closer up the walk they could feel the poison in the air. Too cold, too hot, too sour, too salty, and always pushing them, pushing them to go away. Where? Didn’t matter. As long as it was away.

“I think it knows we’re coming,” Ray muttered.

“Don’t put the coffee on,” Lilah said, panting. “We’re not staying.”

Dave was a little ahead of both of them. He didn’t know how it happened, but it had, and now he was the first at the top of the porch steps. And the first to the door. He was reaching for the doorbell, even though he didn’t want to. Even though every cell in his body was telling him to stop. To turn back. To go home. To leave the house to do whatever it was going to do.

But that was clearly the house talking. And he really couldn’t fault the Thompsons for not believing in ghosts out of nowhere.

A roar from inside.

The door pushed out against its hinges. Reaching for him.

Dave screamed. Maybe it was a word. Probably it wasn’t.

His finger found the cheap plastic button next to the door and pushed hard enough to make it crack.

The sounds stopped.

The force pushing them away stopped.

The lights behind the door sprung to life.

Seconds later, the door opened. Richard Thompson stood there, panting heavily, bleeding from above his eye. He put on a brave smile and waved.

“Evening, neighbors. What brings you to-”

Evie Thompson shoved Richard to the side and started pushing her kids out the door.

“Oh for fuck’s sake, Rich, get out of the God damned house.”

“Evie-”

She didn’t even let him say anything else, just shoved him out the door behind the smallest child, who whimpered one last time as he passed.

“I told you something was wrong with this house!” he said before scurrying after his siblings.

“I knew it,” Dave and Ray said at the same time.


Little Used Genres You Should Write In

HopePunk

All you need is a dire situation that encompasses everything and a main character that will not give up. Hope is not gentle and soft, it is not a gelatinous mold wiggling on the table and waiting to either melt or be smashed. Hope is strong. Hope is terrifying. Hope is nothing more than a happier name for spite, and it is feeding your main character. The world is dark and hard and scary but your main character will not stop trying to make everything better. Your main character turns hope into a weapon and tries to bludgeon the darkness right out of the world.

SleepyCore

All of your characters are sleepy. Your setting is sleepy. You are sleepy. All you want to be doing right now is lying in bed. Perhaps you would be sleeping. Maybe you would be reading a book or staring at your phone or doing nothing at all, but you would be cuddled up in your favorite blankets and that’s all that matters. But, no, you are sitting upright. At your desk. Fingers languidly gripping a pen or lightly tapping a keyboard without actually pressing the buttons. Perhaps there is coffee, but it is not helping. You are not tired. You are sleepy. And everyone can tell.

MallSoft

How long has this mall existed? How long has it been abandoned? How long has your character been in this mall? You have none of these answers and neither does your character but the music is still playing and the lights are still on and the stores are still full of merchandise marked down fifty percent for some sort of mall-wide clearance sale but there are no people. No people besides your character who is walking around and trying to buy things but no one will take their money and it is dark out, so dark out, it presses against the glass domed ceiling above the top floor and your character doesn’t even remember why they need to buy the things they want or who they are for.

NormieCore

Things happen, and that’s okay. Everyone is just going to be normal about it. The man down the street woke up this morning. He had a normal breakfast and maybe some coffee if that’s normal where he lives, maybe tea, maybe nothing, and then he finished getting dressed and went to work. Work was normal. His boss was normal. Everything is so aggressively normal it continually borders on interesting without ever fully making the jump past that line. Sun rises. Sun sets. Time moves forward. Things are said and heard and responded to and then other things happen and it’s all so very, very normal.

Sluts Ahoy

Everyone in your story is a slutty mess but this isn’t smut or erotica or porn. It’s a story, any story, fully populated by people doing the sluttiest things imaginable at all times. Sword fighting. Wearing long, open coats. Winking at each other, just, like, all the time. The looks your characters are serving are fucking incredible. You’re spending three paragraphs describing how each character looks and your reader is devouring it with a spoon. Sometimes the sluttiest choice is the best choice but a lot of the time they are completely separate paths for your character. But you know which choice your character is going to make no matter how much it sets your plot on fire.

Pure Moods

What, exactly, is happening in your story? Where is the plot? Why would you know? That isn’t what this story is about. You don’t even know what this story is ‘about,’ if that’s even a real word. All you care about is how the story makes your readers feel. By the end of the story the reader may not know what happened or who it happened to but they intimately feel that you were listening to “Run” by Snow Patrol on repeat while you were writing. And they are right.

PiratePunk

The best part about pirate punk is that you don’t have to have the ocean in your story. You don’t even have to have ships, or parrots, or literal pirates. PiratePunk isn’t about actual pirates, it’s about any sort of drifter who manages to stay one foot ahead of certain death, and is only really doing it for the love of the game. Cowboys are pirates Drifters are pirates. Con artists are pirates. Your main character could die at any moment from exposure but that’s not what they’re worried about. In fact, they’re not worried at all.

The Power of Enemies

Similar to, but the spiritual opposite of, the power of friendship. Your main characters are not friends. In fact, they hate each other. And they never stop hating each other. But they both have exactly the same amount of spite for a third party, and that shared spite is the only thing keeping them going and not turning on each other. Your story is nothing but fights, both between the protagonists and the antagonist, and also between your protagonists. Your readers biggest question should be ‘will they kill each other before they manage to kill the enemy?’

Feral Women

I’m sick of stories about women who are ‘kind’ and ‘selfless’ and ‘have their shit together,’ and if they have a flaw, it’s, oops! They’re a little bit clumsy! Tee hee! More stories need to be written about absolutely unhinged women who are barely keeping it together and making it everyone else’s problems. I want a woman who eats a beef and bean burrito the size of a newborn with plenty of cheese and sour cream even though she’s lactose intolerant. I want a woman who manages to torpedo the mood of every event she is invited to. The only reason she keeps getting invited to anything is because if you’re not on the receiving end of her insanity, it’s honestly pretty funny. I want a woman to get slighted by a man on Sunday and then make the rest of her week about destroying this man’s life until by Saturday he’s dead and she’s in jail. And, like, all he did was cut her off in traffic.


Scenes From a Millennial Wedding

The Ceremony

There was a sign at the very back of the rows and rows of white plastic seating that said, in a font so flowery Janine had to stare at it for a few seconds, Choose a seat! Not a side! We’re all family! Once the knot is tied! Which was good because besides the bride, her aunt and uncle, and her parents, she didn’t actually recognize a single person.

Next to her, Lonnie snorted.

“Too many exclamation points,” he muttered before taking another sip of beer.

Janine glared at him. “Really? To the ceremony?”

Lonnie shrugged and gestured around. He wasn’t the only one bringing a drink from the bar over to the seats. Even a woman in the second row was holding a tumbler of something clear.

“Oh, shit. Do you think I have time to get a glass of wine, then?”

She did not. A woman with mussed hair and an insane look in her eye started physically pushing people toward empty seats. Janine and Lonnie took a seat in the middle on the left before they get could bruised.

The music started. The maid of honor and the best man came down the aisle. A bridesmaid and a groomsman came down the aisle. A bridesmaid and a groomsman came down the aisle. A bridesmaid and a groomsman came down the aisle. A bridesmaid came down the aisle. A bridesmaid came down the aisle. A bridesmaid came down the aisle.

“I don’t even know this many people,” Lonnie said for the third time that day. Janine shushed him as another bridesmaid came down the aisle.

Finally, the grooms parents. A couple of grandparents. The groom himself. And the bride, with her mother and father on each side.

Standing between the lovely couple up front was a young man their age holding a leather notebook and wearing mopsweat and a shit eating grin.

“Ugh, another friend officiant,” Lonnie said behind his beer.

“Will you stop?”

“Friends, family, honored guests, thank you so much for coming today to witness the union between two of my very best friends. Or should I say, Frest Bends?”

Those standing up front and a small group of people in the third and fourth rows tittered like it was the funniest thing anyone had ever said in their lives. The rest of the crowd, including Janine and Lonnie, were quiet.

“I had the utmost pleasure to meet Lacey and Greg – or should I say Rizzo and Gizzo – in college. We were all freshman, sitting in the Wonder Boil’s classroom at – pardon my Russian – ass crack o’clock, and-”

Lonnie hid a deep sigh by putting his empty beer car down on the grass in front of him.

“I knew it. This always fucking happens.”

“What?” Janine asked, trying to pay attention to the nonsense coming from the officiant.

“It’s all in-jokes! There’s two hundred people and only, what? Like, twenty of them are laughing. Because no one gets it. You can’t do in-jokes when most of the people in front of you aren’t going to get them!”

Janine shot him a look. “It’s not about us.”

“It’s a little about us,” Lonnie said. “They invited us here. We took off work and flew halfway across the country to celebrate their love and junk so I’d at least like to be able to understand the monologue. Why invite us if you’re just going to make a bunch of jokes no one gets?”

“It would have been a lot cheaper to just invite those people,” Janine said under her breath as the same group of people wiped tears from their eyes. As she shifted to the left to get a better look she caught the groom’s grandmother yawning.

“It’s insanity. I tell you what, when this guy tells a joke we all can understand, I’m going to laugh really hard.”

“Don’t.”

“I am, that way he’ll understand that he’s leaving a hundred and sixty people out in the cold.”

Fifteen minutes later, after more rambling in-jokes and weepy vows done by the bride and groom and the exchange of rings, Lonnie was still poised, waiting to make his point.

“And now,” the officiant said. “By the power invested in me by the state and marryyourfriends.com-”

Lonnie guffawed so hard it looked like he hurt himself. Some people turned around to look. The officiant looked please.

Janine snorted. “Do you see what you’ve done? Now he thinks he came up with that stale joke.”

“Worth it.”

The Cousins Table

“Man, I thought we’d at least be sitting with your parents,” Lonnie said, staring at the seating chart. “‘The Cousins Table?’ I thought Lacey was your only cousin.”

“Yeah. I think she has some on the other side?”

Lacey did have another cousin on her dad’s side, a single dude named Doug who was already sitting at the table with a couple of empties in front of him.

“Sick, I didn’t know Lacey had another cousin.”

“We live on the other side of the country,” Janine said. “I think we saw each other once every couple of years.”

Doug nodded again. “Oh, bro, same, we came down from Alaska, we never see any of the family.”

“So, who’s the rest of the table for?” Lonnie asked.

Doug made a face. “Oh. Right. They put us with Greg’s cousins.”

It was like he summoned them. Suddenly the rest of the table was filled with five other people all trying to talk over the others. A second table, mercifully on the other side, also became overrun.

“Hi, I’m Danica!” One of the cousins practically screamed. “I’m Greg’s cousin. On his mother’s side. The Irish side! You’ll be able to tell which ones are us because we’re the wild side of the family!”

“I’m Heidi,” said another one of the cousins, this one thrusting her hand forward for a hard, stern shake. “And they like to think they’re the wild side of the family, but that’s because they’ve never been to a Richter family reunion! I’m sure you’ll find out soon enough!”

“Actually, I’m not that close with Lacey, so I doubt-”

“Oh, sure, a Richter family reunion, yeah, those are wild, sure, tell me, how many times have the police been called?”

“I-”

“Because I can’t even count how many times I’ve had to talk to cops after a Murphy family party!”

“Well, the Richter house is in the middle of the woods. Very big. And secluded. There’s no one around to hear us howl at the moon!”

“Oh, right, well, you know, the Murphy family has never exactly been flush with cash or anything, we had to work hard for everything we had!”

All the cousins were glaring at one another now. Even at the other table. It was clear that whatever…this…was had been going on for years. Decades. Probably ever since Greg’s parents married each other.

Poor Lacey.

The glares turned into more yelling, and the cousins on Lacey’s side were once again ignored. Lonnie stared at the two women on the other side of the table, rictus grins pasted to their face as they almost came to blows over which family had the better Christmas traditions, and then slowly leaned over Janine toward Doug.

“Hey, man, I’m just going to come out and ask. Do you have weed?”

Doug pulled out a small tin of gummies and held them out to Janine and Lonnie under the table.

“I am always ready to share.”

“Oh, thank God,”  Janine muttered, taking a yellow one.

The Maid of Honor’s Toast

“Wow, I can’t believe we are all here today. It feels like just yesterday Lacey and I were playing wedding in her parents backyard. We would trade off who was the groom, and today Lacey you look just as pretty as when you were the bride. Maybe taller.”

Mild laughter

“For those of you who don’t know, Lacey and I have been best friends since we were literally in diapers. Our moms met in a play group when we were both barely a year old, and the rest is history. We started kindergarten together. We were on the same soccer team. We were both in theater in high school. Do you remember when we did Grease? See, it was the absolute best production we did, because Lacey was Sandy and I cut my hair short so I could be Danny. I had to fight with Mrs. Granger for almost two weeks to get the part, but eventually she said those magical words: ‘If it’ll get you to leave me alone, fine.’”

More mild laughter

And then we ended up going to college together and things got even wilder! So many parties, so many boyfriends, so many breakups – and I think there were some classes, too.”

Pause for laughter

“Anyway, all through those years, Lacey was my rock. She is the kindest, sweetest person on the planet. She would gladly give you the shirt off her back if it was all she had left. There were so many night she spent comforting me. Do you remember after Al broke up with me?”

Lacey takes a sip of her champagne

“I really thought Allen and I were going to go all the way. We just had that spark, you know? And we’d been dating for three years and I was just waiting for him to propose on graduation day. But it turned out he had that ‘spark’ with three other women. And I found out that morning and I go to Lacey’s dorm, my makeup all smudged, and she opens the door and sees me there. And she’s already in her gown, right, she’s about to go walk her own graduation. But what does she do? She stays with me. She misses her own graduation to comfort me in my worst hour. We spent the rest of the day in bed, watching romance movies and eating ice cream.  Her parents were furious. Sorry, Mr. and Mrs. Murphy, but your daughter is just too kind!”

Mr. and Mrs. Murphy give her a thin smile

“Anyway, Lacey, do you remember that was the day we made our pact. We said if we weren’t married by forty, we would marry each other! Just like we used to when we were kids! And we were getting so close! Another six years…ha ha ha…”

General quiet as the maid of honor stares at Lacey while Lacey takes Greg’s hand. Uncomfortable sounds from the crowd. Eventually the maid of honor realizes she is still giving a toast.

“Um, right…anyway, Lacey is really the best human being on the planet. I love her more than Jesus, and America, and horses, and God, and a bunch of other stuff. I would die for Lacey.

“Greg, love her right. Because if you hurt her, I’ll find you!”

The maid of honor says this brightly, as though it is a joke. It is very much not a joke, and everyone knows it. The maid of honor tosses back her entire glass of champagne without asking the rest of the crowd to do so and sits down, dropping the microphone on the table with a thud.

Wedding Cake

“Wow, babe, you hardly ate,” Lonnie said, looking at Janine’s plate. “Did you not like it?”

“No, it was very good,” Janine said. “I’m just saving room for the cake.”

“Cake?” Heidi asked from across the table. The Murphys and the Richters had split themselves up after several talks from the wedding coordinator. The volume in the large wedding hall had gone down considerably.

“Yeah, wedding cake, I live for that shit.”

Heidi smiled and shook her head. “Oh, there’s no cake.”

“…what.”

“Yeah, they thought it was so wasteful, you know, the cake never gets fully eaten! It’s really very thoughtful of them.”

Janine took a long, deep breath. “But it’s a wedding. There should be a wedding cake.”

“Oh, don’t worry,” Heidi said, waving a hand. “They have…um, I saw the table…they have cake pops, and cupcakes, and, ooh, donuts! Isn’t that fun! Just little munchies so everyone can take a few and not have to worry about-”

“About what? Hmmm? About the cake? About the best part of any wedding, ever? So we don’t have to worry about the only freaking reason I agreed to fly halfway across the country in a lingering pandemic?”

A hand fell on Janine’s shoulder, and she knew it was her grandmother before she even looked up.

What are you getting worked up over?” Nana hissed in her ear. “This is a happy day and you are drawing attention and making people stare! God knows we don’t need any more of that today.”

“Nana,” Janine said, trying to keep her voice even. “Did you know that there is no wedding cake today?”

Her grandmother blinked at her. “What do you mean?”

“Heidi here has just informed me that the bride and groom chose to forgo a wedding cake to avoid ‘waste’ and has instead gone with cupcakes, cake pops, and donuts.”

“But none of those are wedding cake.”

“I know.”

“You’re saying that there are those things on top of a wedding cake?” her grandmother asked, hopeful.

“No. Instead of. There is no wedding cake.”

“But…what are they going to cut? Are they going to keep a cupcake in the freezer for a year? That won’t work, that’s too small. How…how do you have a wedding without the wedding cake?”

Nana no longer cared about Janine raising her voice. She wandered back to her table, and Janine and Lonnie could watch the news travel around the table.

“Damn it, Janine, do you see what you did? You riled up the boomers.”

“I’m with the boomers on this one, Lon. This is fucking stupid. If you invite me to your wedding, you better fucking serve me cake!”

Lonnie looked around to see people were once again staring at them. Everything but the drunken dancing to “Come On Eileen” and “Mr. Brightside” was over. It was time to pull the ripcord and parachute out of here.

“Come on. Let’s slip out the back and get Taco Bell on the way back to the hotel.”

“Do you think we can find cake?”

“I’m sure there’s a grocery store open.”


Bicyclists With a Death Wish

I wanted to do a short story for this week but all the bicyclists in my area are going absolutely hogwild these past few weekends, trying to get in as much pedaling as they can before the temperature drops from 72-34 in the span of two hours and their wheels get frozen in place to the pavement and they must abandon their bike for the cold, hard winter until the spring thaw finally frees them and the bicyclists can go back to being little shits.

Fuck Cars

Believe me, I get it. We’ve had these things for barely a century and a half and already they dominate. When Ford Prefect thinks cars are the dominant species on the planet in The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy it’s barely a joke. Cars are rolling environmental disasters and in the United States we all drive one because we have built a culture where not driving one is practically impossible except in very specific cities. Most public transportation is a joke and we’ve built a culture where riding the bus is considered a failure of character somehow. This country used to be fucking obsessed with trains, but have you ever looked into actual train travel today? Taking the Amtrak California Zephyr from Denver to San Francisco takes roughly the same amount of time and money as it would to build a fucking zephyr in your backyard. Spirit Airlines may be flying the pandemonium skies but at least it costs less and gets you there in a couple of hours.

Cars are loud, and consume smelly fossil fuels. Traffic is a never ending problem that you literally cannot solve. And I don’t believe in hell except I hope Robert Moses is burning in it right now.

Fuck cars.

That Being Said

We do live in a car society (if I had the energy I’d photoshop Lightning McQueen with Joker makeup), and pretending we don’t isn’t fixing anything. It’s like capitalism, or tipping culture. I hate both, but I still have to participate in them because if I don’t tip I’m just hurting other humans stuck in the system and not the actual system itself, and if I don’t…uh…capitalize…then I don’t get to eat. Same with cars. Just because I hate the fact that automakers backed us into a cloverleaf interchange with their ever-growing pick up trucks doesn’t mean I jaywalk across stroads and get indignant when I ultimately end up in traction in the hospital.

You can’t wish cars into the cornfield. Which brings us to bicyclists.

Not All Bicyclists. Obviously.

I’m not talking about every single health-nut out there rolling around on bike paths and in the suburbs. While it is harder in this country than it should be, you can find safe places for you and your bike. They are out there. There are, in fact, a lot of those places very close to where I live. Nicely paved or hardpack dirt paths that are so far removed from roads and parking lots that if you got hit by a car you absolutely would have a solid case to sue the tires off the driver.

But I guess that’s not thrilling enough for some people. I guess some people need a base layer of danger in their weekly workout that you can’t get from bike trails. Oh, sure, you can play chicken with unsuspecting bicyclists going in the other direction, but those people always get so fucking pissy when they lose it’s hardly worth it.

So Who the Fuck Am I Talking About?

I live in the mountains. Around 7,200 feet elevation. If I go out of my house for a leisurely walk around the neighborhood, I am looking at a two hundred foot elevation gain in the first half a mile. And this the actual reason these bicyclists are here and not on the trails. The trails are all flat, and they live for…the climb. That extra ‘holy shit oh fuck oh shit oh fuck gasp gasp wheeze wheeze wheeeeeeeze fuuuuuuuuuu’ that puts their workout into ‘cardiac arrest’ territory. If the county built a bike trail through the woods that went up and down the mountain it would be chock-o-block of bike nerds with their jerseys half unzipped.

But that doesn’t exist so they all ride their bikes on the mountain roads.

Mountain Roads

The specific road that all these bicyclists are on every fucking weekend from May to October is a two lane blacktop that follows a creek through a series of valleys. There is a small shoulder for the first, oh, I’d say third of the road from the lowest elevation, and then that shoulder drops off completely and the road is exactly wide enough for two cars and that is it. It is nothing but curves, usually S-curves with an actual rock face in between meaning it is truly blind. You cannot see who is coming from the other direction. It’s the Rocky Mountains, and they fully live up to their name.

The speed limit on most of this road is 35. I typically go between 35-40, and utilize the many turn-offs to let people pass me because a lot of drivers want to go 45-50. And that’s just other schmucks in Kias and Subarus. This road is also very popular for motorcycles and supercars, who enjoy sprinting up and down the mountain and hugging the curves.

You know. The curves without a shoulder. Where some bicyclist might also be, trying to enjoy…the climb.

What I’m trying to get at is this road is dangerous as fuck even if you’re in an engineered-for-safety metal and plastic cage. I’d need both hands to count the amount of times someone coming toward me has crossed the line and made me swerve to the side or lay on the horn. And these people are out here on an aluminum frame, two skinny tires, and a plastic helmet on their head. Can you imagine, biking up a winding mountain road, being on the blind side of a curve, and wondering if this is finally the car that isn’t paying enough attention and flattens you into the rocks?

I can’t, and that’s why I’m writing this, because why the fuck, people.

And Then There Are the Assholes

A lot of these bicyclists on this road are doing their best to keep to themselves, which, again, after a certain point is fucking impossible but whatever, I’m not their manager, they can risk their life for their hobbies.

Every hobby has assholes, though, and I’ve certainly run into my fair share.

Like the ones who think if they ride grouped up they’ll be ‘safer,’ which…no. Have they seen the size of some of these pick-ups trucks lately? You could build a one bedroom efficiency in the bed and charge $2,300 a month for it. Someone driving one of these could get completely distracted by their phone, lose sight of the road, and plow through half a dozen bicycles without even realizing it. They’d leave carnage in their wake as they laughed at the stupid meme their friend sent them, never even registering that the road suddenly got real bumpy for a second there. All they’re doing is making it harder for cars to go around them.

And yeah, I know, share the road. Yeah, the county puts out a sign every year telling motorists they have to give bicycles a three foot space for passing, so the biking on this road is tacitly endorsed. Yeah, hardly anyone is ever in such a hurry that they can’t slow down to ten miles an hour for a few minutes until it’s safe to pass.

And yet.

Again, it’s the car culture we live in. I know these people who ride also drive, I’ve seen their cars parked all in a line at the end of the road. So I know they know what it’s like to drive ten miles an hour in a car. You feel like you’re barely moving. And I don’t know if you’ve noticed this, but there are a lot of shitty drivers out there. In fact, it’s most of them. And even the best driver can get momentarily distracted. I don’t know, I just think if I were riding a bike on a suicidal mountain road I’d do my best to make sure cars could easily pass me and get the fuck away from me.

Except that leads me directly to the ones who piss me off the most. Picture it: I am driving this very popular road (have I mentioned that it’s a heavily trafficked road, and not some bumpkin lane in the middle of nowhere? Lots of commuters use it) and I come up on a bicyclist working on…the climb…up the mountain. We are higher up, beyond the point where there is a shoulder, and the turns are completely blind. I basically have to drive directly behind this person at roughly ten miles an hour for at least a mile before I hit a spot where I feel it’s safe to cross into oncoming traffic to pass. I resign myself to this fate and follow behind by a couple of car lengths.

And then…

And fucking then…

This impatient, suicidal, no-brained motherfucking FOOL sticks his hand out and motions for me to pass.

HE TRIES TO WAVE ME ON TO PASS HIM EVEN AS HE IS PEDDLING HIS HEART OUT PRACTICALLY IN THE MIDDLE OF THE LANE AND MAKING NO EFFORT TO PULL OVER AND STOP.

This has probably only happened to me three times, but each time I wanted to scream loud enough that the shockwave would knock the asshole off his bike.

I was following behind this person because I did not feel safe passing, and just because this guy is waving now doesn’t change anything. I can’t see if anyone is coming. I can’t hear anything over my own engine, even if I put the window down, and I super fucking doubt this guy can hear anything coming, either. He doesn’t care about safety. He just cares about me not trailing behind him any more.

Every single time this happened I ignored the bicyclist and continued to follow as they waved a few more times, and I honestly think I deserve a parade for that kind of restraint because what I wanted to do was lay on the horn until the car exploded.

In Conclusion

It’s fine if you have a death wish but don’t bring me into this shit.

The Oldest and the First: Yellowstone

Back in 2019 my husband and I bought a Subaru Outback for a couple of reasons. The first was because we lived in Colorado and were required by law to either own a Subaru or a Jeep and since neither of us have a job that consists of being drunk at the beach we went with a Subaru. Also, the two of us fucking hate air travel which is its own article but just know that I have had multiple adult-sized meltdowns on airplanes so fuck them. The solution, we decided, was car trips! We’ll go on so many car trips! We even made plans to go to Moab, had the AirBnB set up and everything.

And then the world ended and we cancelled everything and didn’t go anywhere at all until a few weeks ago when our little Annie Oakley finally got to live her bliss (you don’t name your cars? Weird). We pack up the back with too many clothes and insane amount of snacks, shoved the cats in my parents’ general direction, and drove north for ten hours until we finally reached Yellowstone National Park.

Despite all my research, here’s a bunch of stuff I wished I’d learned before we got there.

There Is No Internet or Cell Service in the Park

Listen, I’m not a stupid fucking idiot. I wasn’t driving deeper into the Nowhere At All that is most of Wyoming thinking, ‘Oh, man, I can’t wait to hike out into the middle of the woods and watch some YouTube Videos. Can’t wait to be on top of a mountain making a TikTok. It’s going to be so rad when I’m able to pay my phone bill while standing directly on top of Old Faithful.’ I completely assumed that while actually out in the park my phone would be good for taking pictures and exactly nothing else.

But what I did expect was WiFi at the hotels. And I was very, very wrong.

Incredibly Lake Yellowstone Hotel offers wired internet in all their rooms, in case you want to live out your 2010 fantasy of still having a laptop with an ethernet port, or, fuck it, a laptop at all. Meanwhile, over at the Old Faithful Inn, you can live out your pre-internet fantasy because you ain’t getting diddly squat. Here is the official list of where you’re allowed to have internet whilst surrounded by the bears and the bison, something I apparently should have paid more attention to before we left.

We also basically had no cell service the entire time, either. Very occasionally, especially if we drove/climbed up somewhere high, we’d get a very basic trickle that would allow for incoming emails and spam texts, and once all of my Tumblr notes??? But nothing outgoing and the few times we tried desperately to connect to Duolingo so we didn’t completely nuke our streaks it simply wasn’t happening. We did see other people making calls and staring at their phones like they were achieving something so perhaps it works better with other carriers (we are both on Google Fi) but there’s also very few cell towers in the park to begin with so I think once, like, twelve people are using it everyone else has to wait.

If You Enter Yellowstone Through the South Entrance, You WILL Have to Pay to Go Through Grand Teton National Park

I am including this one because I found several sites saying the same thing, but the phrasing was always vague to the point where I still wasn’t sure. It was always sort of wishy-washy, like, ‘You will drive through Grand Teton and if you want to visit you have to pay.’ Does that mean I have to pay? Or does that mean as long as I don’t get off 191 I won’t have to pay, and it’s simply warning me that if I try to enter I will have to pay? Why can’t anyone spell this out for me?

I don’t know, I’m pretty dumb, so maybe everyone else understood. But just in case, I’m spelling it out for you now: If you go through the South Entrance, you will have to pay entrance fees for both Grand Teton and Yellowstone.

Curiously, if you leave Yellowstone through the South Entrance, you don’t have to pay to enter Grand Teton. So even if you enter Yellowstone through a different station, you should definitely find a way to leave through the South Station, because…

Holy Fucking Shit The Tetons Are Insane

My husband and I are no stranger to mountains. We live in the Rockies, the same fucking mountain range that the Tetons are supposedly a part of. And yet the closer we got to these things the more I had to fight the urge to tuck and roll out of the car to have a full-blown hysterical fit on the side of the road because Jesus fucking Christ these things are completely fucking insane.

Yellowstone is a Lot More Than Old Faithful

On one level I knew it had to be. It takes up a considerable chunk of our emptiest state, it couldn’t possible be just a single volcanic geyser surrounded by acres of schmucks trying to take selfies with bison. But on another level I simply never thought too hard about it because how often do American national parks come up in day to day life? Unless you work there. I guess then it comes up every day. But I’m not talking about the National Park Georgs of the world.

Anyway, there is so much else to do here. They have a huge canyon that they officially refer to as The Grand Canyon of Yellowstone without so much as a hint of irony. They have a lake that’s 110 miles around. There are geysers, thermal vents, and mud volcanos everywhere. There’s a spot on the western part of a lake that’s a caldera, but most of the park is already a caldera. It’s a caldera in a caldera! Who even knew that could happen?

Again, I’m guessing the answer includes people who work there, but fuck ‘em. They don’t even have internet.

The Old Faithful Area is Referred to as the Disneyland of Yellowstone

And that’s not a good thing.

It turns out I’m not the only one in the world who only thinks of Old Faithful when they think of this park because that’s where roughly 85% of attendees are at any given time. It’s more crowded. It’s louder. It’s where I saw the majority of the assholes and idiots I encountered on the trip. Trying to park anywhere past ten in the morning is impossible. We tried to drive up to the Grand Prismatic Spring around noon and after chugging along in fifteen mile per hour traffic and being held up at two different spots where they were repaving the road we simply turned around and headed back to the hotel to get something to eat because not only was the entire parking lot filled, the entire parking lot for the area next to it was filled. And the little turn-offs were completely filled. And the side of the road parking had filled in for over half a mile. Fuck. That.

The very next day though we woke up at six thirty and headed right over and only three cars beat us there, so if you want to experience this area of the park just be ready to chug coffee at the ass-crack of dawn.

Do Not Stay in the West Wing of the Old Faithful Inn

Old Faithful Inn is one of the largest log-style structures in the world. The lobby is seven stories high and completely built with pine logs, and the rooms in the main building are over a hundred years old and have the same old-timey wooden charms. They also don’t have showers in their rooms, instead pointing lodgers to shared bathrooms on every floor, so I decided to ‘upgrade’ to the newer rooms with full bathrooms to save us the hassle.

That decision put us in the west wing, which looks like someone tacked 1990’s Days Inn rooms onto the scary basement hallway of your local government building, and then tacked that to the Old Faithful Inn. And I definitely didn’t pay Days Inn Underneath The Mendon Courthouse prices. The amount of money I paid for these rooms I should have been able to take the people one room up who spent a full two hours apparently sprinting around the beds for no good reason outside into the wilderness and hunted them for sport.

But the real tip for lodging is…

Stay In A Cabin

All of the lodging areas in the park come with a set of cabins that I personally didn’t see the interior of, but was able to note from the outside that no one could stay directly above you and practice their line dancing for the big line dancing competition, so for that alone I say get a cabin when you can.

And finally, my last bit of advice that I probably don’t have to reiterate but I’m going to say it anyway…

For the Love of God, People, Giant Wild Animals Can Hurt You

I think sometimes people forget that humanity is only on the list of apex predators with a medium-length line of asterisks. I also think that a lot of tourism has been sanitized to the point that people just expect a certain amount of safety no matter where they are or what they’re doing, and that amount of safety doesn’t exist in national parks, especially national parks squarely in grizzly country.

Bison are absolutely all over the park. Except for the first day when we were only there for two hours before we went to bed, we saw bison every day. Sometimes a herd that hung out on the road to stop traffic out of what felt like giggles and spite. Sometimes a single bison that decided the grass next to the hotel parking lot was the tastiest. Park Rangers aren’t following these guys around, putting up barriers between you and them. They also aren’t setting up lines for rides and pets. The ethos in the park is, the animals live here and you’re just visiting so you fucking move. As long as you give bison space, they fully do not give half a fart that you are alive and staring at them and taking pictures. The second you get too close, though, you are Fully Fucked, and only the bison knows how close is ‘too close.’


Phone Tag

Previous


“Hey, Dad, I saw you called, what’s-”

“Where are you?”

Nick barked into the phone at the same time he jumped up from his desk. He glanced down the hall either way before closing the door and drawing the blind across the little window in the middle.

In the past six hours he’d called Ryan exactly twenty-seven times. Every time it went to voicemail he wanted to scream. He’d made some of those calls out front, behind the registration desk, outside a patient bay. The effort to keep his face neutral, smiling even, as the phone rang and rang and rang and rang and rang and rang and clicked over to Hi, it’s Ryan Castro, I’ve missed your call, leave a message at the beep had drained him. Of energy. Of emotion. Of soul. By midafternoon he’d claimed a migraine and retreated to his office. Ellen, that beautiful angel, was out there playing interference for him.

For today, they only had each other.

As he sat down on the couch he could sense Ryan’s offense at being immediately yelled at. A near-silence, punctuated only by sharp breaths through the nose.

“I was at work,” she said, her voice cold. “At the Lodge. Where I always-”

“Where you inside?”

“What?”

“Did you go inside at all?”

“No! I’ve been out on the lake all day, that’s why I couldn’t answer my damn phone.”

The relief he felt was nothing. Like trying to scratch an itch with a brief touch of silk. It wasn’t enough that she hadn’t been inside today.

“Dad, what’s going on? You’re sort of freaking me out.”

Nick held the phone away from his mouth as he took a long, deep breath. The air came into his lungs, transferred oxygen and carbon dioxide, and slowly seeped out. No congestion. No struggling.

“Over the past week, have you had any contact with someone staying at the Lodge named Hazel Augustine?”

He didn’t need to look at her chart for the name. It was burned into his brain.

“Hazel? Yeah, of course. She loves the lake, she was out here every day. Haven’t seen her in a few days, though. Why? Dad? Hello?”

Nick was once again holding the phone away from his face. This time to hide the sob that had tried to claw its way out of his throat. He squinted his eyes shut and tried to breath with hitching.

Disengage. Not family. Not your daughter. Stranger. Patient. Turn it off. To get through it, you have to turn it off.

The lake…

The thought finally gave Nick the push to put himself together. He wiped at his nose before putting the phone to his ear, where Ryan was practically hysterical.

“Ryan…Ryan…” he said, trying to cut through the frenzied questions. “Ryan, listen to me. Did you ever see Hazel inside the Lodge?”

“I…what the fuck is going on?”

“Just…think about it and answer the question. This is very important. Did you ever see Hazel inside the Lodge?”

A few seconds of silence.

“No, I don’t think so.”

“Well, is it ‘no’ or is it ‘I don’t think so?’”

“No! It’s no. I don’t actually go inside much, actually. All my equipment is in a shed out by the lake.”

“What about eating? Going to the bathroom?”

“I eat in the shed, otherwise people staying at the Lodge keep coming up to me with questions. And there’s a separate bathroom for outside, so people can go without tracking mud across the lobby. If I really thought about it, I haven’t been inside the Lodge in…over a month, probably.”

That sob finally managed to escape, exploding from his mouth as he hung himself over his knees. Relief, true relief, threatened to pull every last bit of tension from his cells. He was seconds away from passing out.

“Dad? You’re really scaring me. What’s this about? Should I come-”

“No!” He quickly sat up, the room spinning around him. “No, don’t come here. Are you home now? Good. Stay there. Call out of work for the rest of the week. At least. Listen…are you sitting down? Maybe do that. Grab a drink. I…I need to tell you something.”


Snoring

A sound very similar to a handsaw getting pulled through a cinderblock ripped Alicia from her sleep, blowing away her dream like so much dandelion fluff on the wind. She froze, unwilling to move, gripping the sheets too tightly, clenching, clenching so hard, her dentist told her she needed the night guard and she never wore it and now some home intruder was going to-

The sound happened again, and Alicia felt equal parts relief and anger. It wasn’t an intruder. It was Gina. Her smoking hot wife. Who somehow managed to produce enough noise with that round nose of hers to wake the dead.

Or at least wake Alicia.

No intruder. The only thing she’d be getting robbed of was precious, precious sleep.

Alicia rolled onto her back with some force, not really expecting much. Gina woke up a little from the bed shaking and stopped snoring. But she was back to it in a matter of twenty seconds.

“Babe, just push me! I’ll roll over!” Gina would say in happier, sunlight-filled times. And yes, it was true that Gina would roll over. Usually after snapping something like, “Are you fucking kidding me? I just got to sleep.” And then instead of trying to sleep through an unholy sound somewhere in the vicinity of demon trucks downshifting constantly on the highway to hell, Alicia would have to try to sleep through guilt.

And sometimes also the demon trucks because even after turning over the snoring would come right back.

So, fine. Whatever. Alicia would be okay with this. She would force herself to be okay with this. Gina’s snoring usually only lasted thirty minutes. Maybe an hour. Maybe two. Whatever. She could lay there in the dark until it stopped, and then maybe eek out a few minutes past her alarm in the morning, and all would be-

There was a sound.

Of course there was a sound, Gina was still rattling the window frames next to her.

But, no, there had been another sound. Underneath the snoring. Deeper in the room. In the house, maybe. She hadn’t been able to make it out very well, it had been so quiet relative to the continuous explosions coming from next to her. In fact, the more she thought about it, the more she was sure she had completely made it up. Or it was a mundane sound made odd by her wife trying to kill her with sound waves. The house settling. One of the cats sprinting down the hall. Hard to hear. Normal.

Forty-eight minutes later Gina finally fell deeper into sleep and stopped sounding like she was breathing through pudding. Alicia fell asleep five minutes later, having completely forgotten about the sound.

~

The next night Gina’s snoring was worse. Usually it was only this bad when she had been drinking at a party, but it was a Wednesday night and the only party they had had was sharing memes over dinner. They hadn’t even had wine at dinner. Just water. And still, Gina was snoring hard enough Alicia thought her face would rip in two.

Is a storm coming through? Is she getting sick? Does she secretly hate me and she’s doing this on purpose? Maybe I should go to the guest room tonight. I-

The sound again.

The smaller sound, somewhere deeper in the house.

Louder tonight.

Not loud enough to be heard fully over her wife.

Loud enough for Alicia to tell it was not normal.

If anyone had asked her to articulate why it wasn’t normal she would have fumbled around for words before quickly changing the subject. But there was something about what little she could hear of it that was distinctly foreign. You get used to the sounds of your home. Creaks in the wind. The air turning on and pulling the guest room door down the hall almost closed, but not quite, just enough for the lock to click on the doorframe latch. This sound was different than everything she had gotten used to. New. This sound…

Alicia groaned and put a hand to her face. On top of not being able to sleep, now something was breaking? That had to be what the sound was. She said it herself, it was new. Some process of the house had gone awry. Maybe in the walls. The ducts. That sound no longer sounded sinister. It sounded expensive. It-

It came again, and Alicia froze.

That’s someone walking around.

Except the thought wasn’t actually articulated. It was a desperate lean on the telegraph that connected her lizard brain to her monkey brain. Her eyes darted from shadow to shadow, daring any of them to move. She stared at the door, waiting for the second it would creak open.

The door creaked open.

In the same moment, Alicia screamed, reached for the lamp, and pushed herself up to sit against the headboard.

Next to her, Gina exploded in one last snore and then shot up in bed, eyes panicked and bloodshot.

“What the fuck?” came falling out of her mouth, half formed.

“The door…”

Butters in all his stupid, orange glory jumped up on the foot of the bed and slinked up her legs until he could shove his head into her still-shaking hand.

Gina rapidly blinked as she looked between Alicia and the cat, now completely upside down and purring hard enough to make the bed vibrate.

“What.”

“I heard something. It scared me.”

“You heard the cat.”

“No, it wasn’t the cat,” Alicia snapped.

“What was it, then?”

“I don’t know because I could barely hear it over your snoring.”

Gina rolled her eyes. “Is that what this is about?”

“No.”

“I told you already, just push me and I’ll roll over.”

“It’s not about that!”

Alicia didn’t want to have this fight again. Not now. Not when she was sure whatever had made that noise was still out there.

“Great,” Gina said. “Turn off that light.”

She rolled back over, pulling the blankets over her head. Alicia left the light on for another minute, watching the door. It was always kept slightly ajar for Butters and Henry to come and go as they pleased. Now, after Butters had shoved his way in, it was half open. The hallway beyond it was dark, but Alicia was convinced if she waited long enough she’d see it. Whatever was out there. Walking.

Nothing happened, and eventually exhaustion won out over terrified curiosity.


The next morning they sat at their little dining room in comfortable silence, Gina carving a grapefruit up and Alicia staring into the steam rising from her coffee.

“I’m sorry I snapped last night,” Gina said.

“It’s fine.”

It always felt different in the daylight. A completely different world. One where all of the frustration and resentment felt like a bad dream. It wasn’t Gina’s fault she snored like that. She wasn’t doing it on purpose. It wasn’t really Gina’s fault she couldn’t sleep. If anything, it was Alicia’s. Why was she such a light sleeper? Why couldn’t she learn to deal with Gina’s snoring? She’d been trying to sleep through it for three years now, why hadn’t she gotten any better at it?

It wasn’t anyone’s fault, of course. Just a bad circumstance they had to find their way through. Together.

“I told you, though, a bunch of times,” Gina said, spearing the pink fruit with her spoon. “Just give me a little push and I’ll roll over and-”

“And you’ll snap at me is what you’ll do,” Alicia said. “It’s the angriest I ever hear you. And I don’t like getting snapped at.”

“I’m asleep and you’re waking me up! What else do you expect?” Gina asked, like this was still a joke.

But all those nighttime feelings were pushing their way into the day, where they didn’t belong.

“You tell me I can just push you, and then you snap at me.”

“I don’t mean anything by it.”

“Does it matter? It still hurts.”

“Well, how would you like to be woken up when you’ve finally fallen asleep?”

Alicia stared at her, mouth open. “Are…are you kidding? That’s what fucking happens to me when you start snoring!”

Gina pretended she hadn’t heard. “I already fucking told you. Just push me. You don’t have to go all drama queen on me and scream and turn the light on.”

“And I already fucking told you. I did that because I heard something in the hall, and then Butters pushed the door open and it startled me.”

“What did you hear?”

I couldn’t hear it over your snoring sounded like a great way to keep the fight going, so instead she shrugged.

“I don’t know. But it wasn’t a normal sound.”

Gina made a face. “You think something in the house is breaking?”

“Uh huh.”

“Great. Hopefully we can figure it out before we’re knee deep in water or something.”


Gina was snoring again.

The sound started almost immediately.

Well. Sounds.

Slow, so very slow. And almost rhythmic, but not quite. Every time she thought she had a pattern figured out, it would change again. Faster. Slower. Quieter. Louder.

She knew she should wake up Gina. Mostly to get the snoring to stop so she could clearly hear what was happening, but also a little so Gina could hear it, too. But there was a problem.

Alicia didn’t actually think it was the sound of something breaking in the house. Not anymore. It didn’t have anything to do with the air coming on and off. They weren’t using the water and it wasn’t regular enough to be a drip. And it wasn’t irregular enough to be some animal trapped in the walls or the crawl space, and anyway if it was Butters and Henry would have been following the sound intently and both of the idiots were fast asleep between her and Gina.

Besides all of that rational stuff, there was the slightly irrational.

Whatever the sound was, it sounded sneaky.

Obviously Gina’s snoring was not continuous. If it was, Alicia might have been able to learn to sleep through it by now, like an overly-loud white noise machine. No, she snored as she breathed in, and was quiet as she breathed out. Two or three seconds of noise, two or three seconds of quiet. Noise, quiet, noise, quiet, noise, quiet-

Whatever else she was hearing only ever happened during the noise.

If it happened once during the quiet, just once, she was convinced she would understand what the noise was. If it was loud enough to be heard at all while Gina was desperately trying to get air through her septum than it would be plenty loud enough to hear completely during the quiet.

But it never happened during the quiet. Not once. Because whatever that noise was, it didn’t want to happen during the quiet.

It didn’t want to be heard.

Alicia couldn’t tell where it was coming from, either. Either that or it was moving. Sometimes it seemed like it was coming from the bathroom. Sometimes the hall. Sometimes outside the window. Then back to the bathroom. Always during the noise. Always.

It doesn’t want me to hear.

A ridiculous thought, of course. One brought on by sleep deprivation. It wasn’t subterfuge. It was coincidence.

Nothing is coming for you.

But she couldn’t believe that. Not fully. Not functionally alone in the dark.

Gina’s rolled over onto her stomach, shifting her arms to her sides, and the snoring stopped.

That was quick.

But it wasn’t. Gina had been snoring for over an hour. Alicia had simply become so wrapped up in hearing that mystery sound she had completely lost track of time.

Alicia waited. And waited. And waited.

The sound did not come.


It was in the room. That should have meant that Alicia would be able to hear enough to know what it was, but she still couldn’t. A shifting mass. A foot step. A cat scratching at their ear except again tonight both were sleeping in the bed. Not moving. She watched them as Gina snored and the sound came from somewhere across the room, near the dresser.

It wasn’t just a sound anymore. Not a single sound. Maybe it never was. It had simply come close enough for Alicia to hear it. All of it.

Not all of it. Maddeningly, it still only happened at the height of Gina’s snoring, existing like some scarcely seen creature under the audial ocean emanating from her wife. Only when the waves were the highest did it dare creep to the surface.

It was muttering.

Shifting against the walls and talking to itself. At least, Alicia assumed it was talking to itself. What could it have to say to someone like her? Cowering in the dark, under the blankets despite the heat, the sweat rolling off her neck and pooling behind her knees.

Maybe it’s apologizing, she thought, as another rumble from her wife was paired with the sound of something heavy shifting across the carpet and disconnected glottals and sybilants hitting the sound barrier and dying before Alicia could determine meaning. Yes, that’s it. Whatever it is, it doesn’t mean any harm. It’s lost. It’s stuck. It needs my help but doesn’t know how to ask in a way that doesn’t scare. It doesn’t want me to be scared. It doesn’t.

For a few short seconds she could believe it. And then the next snore. The shifting weight. And edges of words. She could not catch meaning.

But she could catch tone.

Alicia threw the blanket over her head and wished Gina would stop stop stop already.

“…ssssssstop-”

Alicia was screaming too loud to hear the rest.


“I have a doctor’s appointment. Are you going to ask me why?”

Alicia looked up from her dinner plate and stared at her wife, confused. Of course she would ask why, if only she had been given the time.

But then Alicia saw it all again. Gina had told her she had a doctor’s appointment, and had paused for the appropriate response. And waited. And waited. And waited. Probably two or three minutes Alicia had simply stared at her food, knowing Gina had said something but not having the energy to respond. Had she even been eating? The food on her plate was untouched.

“I’m sorry,” she said after another long pause. “I haven’t been sleeping.”

It whispers, she left unsaid. It whispers all night long and I can’t hear it.

“I know. That’s why I made the appointment.”

Gina smiled at her look of confusion.

“I was talking to my mom on the phone the other day, and I told her about the snoring. Apparently I was diagnosed with a deviated septum when I was, like, eight. They didn’t have the money to do anything about it so they just…didn’t.”

Maybe it was the sleep deprivation. Alicia still wasn’t following.

“Deviated septums can cause snoring,” Gina explained. “Bad snoring. And a bunch of other breathing problems, I don’t think I’ve ever actually been able to breath through the right side of my nose. But the point is, it’s a simple surgery to fix.”

For the first time in what felt like weeks, Alicia perked up.

“Yeah?”

Gina nodded. “I don’t even need to go to the hospital. One of those day surgery places. In and out in a few hours.”

Alicia slumped back in her chair. “Even something that small…I can’t make you do a surgery just for me.”

“I think you can,” Gina said. “Look at you. You’re not sleeping. You’ve woken me up screaming three times now. Obviously something is not working. And I’d rather get a surgery than be that weird couple sleeping in different bedrooms. Or…”

Gina trailed off, but the rest was in her eyes.

Not a couple at all.

Alicia swallowed. It was certainly a thought she’d had, late at night, surrounded by the snoring and whatever now lived under her bed. The thought of both sounds, gone forever, able to sleep uninterrupted through the night unless a cat decided it want snuggles at two in the morning.

Alicia beamed, and it was all the confirmation Gina needed.


It took until the third night after the surgery. The swelling had to go down. The pain meds had to wear off. For two nights the snoring was worse, worse, so bad Alicia finally gave up and went to their awful guest bed. Still she could hear the snoring from the other room. She could not hear the thing under the bed. It did not follow her. Or maybe it did. It’s movement under the bed had taken weeks. Perhaps by the second night it was back across the bedroom, toward the door, coming for her.

Or, she thought, lying there on that second night, staring at the ceiling and feeling the springs of the old guest bed poking into her back, there had never been any sounds or whispers at all.

It was a thought she had in the daylight, of course, every day, wondering if she had made the whole thing up. But the middle of the night and the day were two different universes. It was easy to deny the reality of one when sunk into the middle of the other. She would spend a day wondering if she had made the whole thing up, talking herself into it, and as soon as evening would come she would remember the truth.

But now, awake at night, finally without some sound or another crawling into her ear and rattling her brain, she could think it, and believe it.

It wasn’t real. None of it was. Not the sounds. Not the whispers. Her snoring was literally driving me crazy.

Crazy. There was no other word for it. Something had hidden underneath her wife’s snoring to crawl into their bedroom and whisper…what? Stuff she couldn’t even understand? Why? Just to scare her? It was ghost story logic. The ghosts opened up all the cabinets in the kitchen! Oh no! Why? Who cares! Crazy. The snoring had driven her crazy. If the surgery didn’t work, they would be those people sleeping in separate bedrooms, because Alicia couldn’t go back to that.

~

Alicia didn’t have to. The surgery was a success. The third night, the first she tried to sleep in the same room as Gina again, Alicia fell into a deep, cold sleep, undisturbed by dreams. For the first time in her life, Gina breathed deep through her nose, the rushing of the air quiet. It was as though she had never snored in her life.

Alicia didn’t hear Gina snoring.

She also didn’t hear the whispers of the thing under the bed, but she was listening. Unimpeded by the cover of snores no longer, the thing could talk and talk and talk into Alicia’s ear, telling her of all the things they would do together, all the things she would do for it, and Alicia slept, it’s singular rapt audience.


Code Blue

Previous


They coded Ms. Augustine for nearly forty minutes. Not the longest code Dr. Castro had ever been a part of. But long enough.

Missy was in tears at the end of it. Held it together for the duration but the second Dr. Castro called time she was a bubbling, snotty mess. Took off her N95. So did Ellen as she wrapped an arm around her shoulder. Snot bubbled into Ellen’s scrub top. Dr. Castro watched it all with a cold emptiness.

On the one hand, he should tell them to stop. Put the masks back on. Get away from each other. Get away from the body.

On the other hand, they were all already dead.

Ms. Augustine had been admitted through the ER three days ago. All Dr. Castro knew was the flu was ‘impossibly’ contagious. He didn’t know why. If somehow a flu strain had become airborne, the usual surgical masks they wore whenever someone came in with respiratory distress wouldn’t do anything. It would be like to trying to strain rice with a fishing net.

Even if it was still spread around by droplets the masks weren’t enough for a very simple reason: Human nature. People get complacent. He’d seen it plenty of times before. Everyone, from the cafeteria folks who delivered to meals to the nurses to the doctors and even the respiratory therapists themselves, sometimes walked right past that bright yellow Droplet Precaution sign hanging from the door with nothing to protect their airways besides a layer of cilia and God. And he couldn’t blame any of them, because he did it, too.

The tray is by the door, I’ll dart in and grab it.

The IV pump is beeping, I’m not gowning up just for that.

Masks make my face itch, I’ll stand by the door as I talk to the patient.

They all did it. And years of occasionally doing it and not getting sick had bred the complacency. If it had been your average flu, probably none of them would have caught it.

This wasn’t the average flu. This flu was ‘impossible.’ Walk into her room, breathe in while she’s coughing, bam. Done.

All it would take was one person, one single person, to go in without their mask. Or even with their mask not quite sitting right. Then that person was infected. Within hours they’d be completely symptom free but sharing their infection with everyone they breathed on.

Hazel Augustine had been in the building for three days. They’d probably all been infected by the end of the first.

If Missy needed a hug from Ellen, who was he to stop them?

“She was getting better,” Missy sniffled. “We were planning discharge for the afternoon. Then it all happened so fast. I mean…it’s just the flu!”

“Underlying conditions, sweetheart,” Ellen said, patting her shoulder. “Some big bad was lurking inside her, something she probably didn’t know about.”

But when Dr. Castro went back to his office, Ellen was right behind him. He didn’t even hear her, didn’t realize she was there until she pushed open his closing door and softly put it in its place behind her.

Ellen was one of those veteran warhorse nurses. Short hair, stocky with a little pudge despite being on her feet all day, and seemingly in control of all things at all times. It was impossible for Dr. Castro to imagine she was ever a young new nurse like Missy. No, Nurse Ellen must have sprung from the caduceus fully formed, stethoscope in one hand and 5 cc’s of Haldol in the other.

She sat down in the seat in front of Dr. Castro’s office and only stared at him. Her mask was off. His was on. It was like getting soapy water over your face in the shower and squinting your eyes shut. Even after you’d rinsed the soap off there was that lizard-brain terror of opening them again.

It was a bad metaphor, because Dr. Castro was pretty sure the soap was already in his eyes. He took his mask off and stared back.

“I watch the news,” Ellen said. “They keep mentioning this new strain of flu. Off and on for a couple of weeks, now. The story never seemed to change so I figured they were just blowing something out of proportion for views. Until today, when you made us all put N95’s on. Until I saw your face. How bad is it?”

Dr. Castro tried to think of a sane way to phrase it but sanity seemed to have slipped. Luckily, he didn’t have to say a word. The truth of it was apparently written all over his face. Ellen leaned forward with her elbows on her knees and put her hands to her mouth.

“That bad, huh?” she asked. “I’m guessing Ms. Augustine was only the beginning?”

He nodded, focusing on how stiff the back of his neck felt when he did it. Like his head might snap off.

Ellen nodded back. Dr. Castro waited for the real reaction. Crying. Shaking. Questions. Questions Dr. Castro couldn’t answer.

Instead, Ellen took a deep breath. With a loud pat of her hands on her thighs she stood up and straightened out her scrubs.

“I’ll get the big packs of N95 masks out of storage and start handing them out. We have plenty after that last pandemic petered out, still sitting in the back closet. No one in the hospital without them.”

“What…” His mouth and throat had gone completely dry. Swallowing was like working through a mouth coated in sawdust. “What will you tell them?”

“I don’t know yet. Probably not the truth. Not the full truth, anyway. From the sound of it, the chances that the whole hospital isn’t already infected are slim to none. And we’ll need the help. Can’t imagine what we’ll do if everyone runs home and locks themselves in their houses.”

Ellen went for the door, pausing with her hand on the handle.

“She was staying at the Lodge, you know.”

With that she was gone. The phone was in his hand, already ringing, already reaching out to his daughter, before the door fully shut again.


The Apothecary and the Apprentice

According to the grandmother clock sitting in the corner of the Apothecary, behind the counter and between the dried herbs and empty glass half-jars, it was nearly three in the afternoon. As it turned out, there were really only two ways three in the afternoon could go in the Apothecary. In the first way, the store was quiet. The only sounds would be the music coming from the audioblooms, the squeaks from Ridge’s rag as he made rounds wiping all the surfaces and the windows down, and that thin, breathless whisper of the pages in Harper’s fingers as she turned the pages of her book. It was supposed to be a textbook. Sometimes it was. Mostly it was dime-store novels, the ones about the chappies Athanasia referred to as ‘trash-fire fuel.’

Then there was the second way. The second way consisted of nothing less than orchestrated chaos.

Harper picked up the last ward bag the screaming child had knocked over. They had been displayed on one of the counters in the middle of the store, in neat little rows. There was no time to recreate rows. They would have to stay in a lump.

“Miss, oh, miss? Where are your truth syrups?” The woman was wearing a finely-made dress of expensive fabric and a hat so large people had to dodge under the feathers, but had the look of someone trying to keep a lot of people in line. A madam, then. Nobody liked truth syrups more than madams and mothers.

“Back corner,” Harper said, tossing her head over her left shoulder to gesture to the far wall. Her hands still carried the basket of sweetness charms she had been trying to put on display for the last five minutes. “The half-jars filled with the thin blue liquid. The darker, the stronger.”

But the woman was already walking across the Apothecary, nearly there, and Harper bet herself that the woman hadn’t heard anything after ‘corner.’ Harper weaved through the crowd toward the Apothecary’s front window. There appeared to be people from three separate caravans in the little shop, all vying for space and spells. One group was all men, dressed in rough and lightly colored clothes, mostly around the protection spells and the findmes. Miners, heading for the copper streaks southwest. Another group looked like settlers, picking at the water witches and growfasts. The rest were all finely dressed with smooth hands and painted nails. Harper couldn’t be sure what their purpose was, but she knew their destination was beyond the Cursed Lands, to the Ocean Place. It was a little funny, them being in here. Usually that fine type just going through to the Ocean Place took the boats down, and Castor’s Apothecary on the docks always caught their eye first on virtue of being closer.

This was how it went in Moment’s Peace. If there were caravans in town, the people and the money flowed. If there weren’t, they didn’t. No in-between. As she filled the window display with the sweetnesses, Harper watched out the window. Dozens of people walking up and down the street, ducking in and out of the little stores. She didn’t see a single one she recognized.

As though on cue, two men came from the shop across the way and began walking down the plankwalk. Without realizing it, all of Harper’s attention was now on them. Cornelius and Neiro. Moment’s Peace’s very own chappies, offering up their services to anyone who asked. Cornelius, tall and slim. Neiro, broad but not much shorter. They were in command of the planks. Side by side they walked in a straight line, and everyone else moved. The men slid to one side with a tip of the hat. The women stood to one side and maybe even curtsied, sparing glances for their backsides as they passed. They returned the smiles and greetings, laughing as they went. Most of these people couldn’t know them, but everyone knew a chappy when they saw one.

They turned at the same time and started coming for the Apothecary. Harper quickly finished filling the display and tried to use her reflection in the window to make sure her hair was in place. The door to the Apothecary, held open to let the air move, wasn’t wide enough to allow them to walk in side by side, and after some subtle maneuvering Neiro managed to get through first.

“Mr. Higgins, Mr. Theo. Good day to you,” Harper said, yelling a bit to be heard over the crowd.

“Lovely day to you, Miss Harper,” Neiro said. The grin he had for her was sly and wicked, and when he winked one of those deeply brown eyes Harper wanted to pinch herself. “I do look forward to seeing your smile.”

If she had one of those folding fans she’d be hiding behind it. As it was, she could only stand there and hope the flush to her face looked like heat and exhaustion.

“The usual order today?” she asked, doing very well to keep from squeaking.

“Just so, Miss Harper,” Cornelius said. He ran a hand over his face and Harper could hear the rasp from his beard. “Reckon it’s time I shave. What do you think?”

“I think you shouldn’t touch a single hair,” Harper said, aghast. It was all a show, though. They had the same conversation every time they came in.

Using the basket she had carried the sweetness charms in, Harper began working her way through the shop, weaving around the people, reaching under arms and over children’s heads. They bought the same things every time they came in. Luck, protection, truth and such. All things every chappy needed in their arsenal, she supposed. She’d never dared to ask, only daydreamed about what things they came up against. Once she was sure she had everything she went to the counter. She could have ducked under the gap at the end, but she chose to jump up, spinning her legs and skirts over the counter neatly and jumping down with a perfectly soft sound. Working very hard to not look to see if they were watching, she brought her basket over to the register.

“Let me ring the chappies up once you’re done, Ridge,” she said to the young man. Barely more than a boy, really. He didn’t say anything, only finished giving his last customer her change and then stepping away to give her space.

“There is a line, here, isn’t there?” said a man, one of the settlers by the look of it.

“These are chappies, sir,” Harper called. Her eyes stayed on the register as she pushed the heavy buttons, ringing in everything by memory. “They have more important things to do than wait in line all day.”

The man grumbled some more but didn’t speak up again, and Cornelius and Neiro met her up at the register, giving everyone in the line many thanks and excuses for letting them go up front.

“Thirteen fifty-four,” Harper said, and added before they could ask. “And that includes the chappy discount.”

“You know you don’t have to do that,” Neiro said. He always seemed to be the one with the money, and he handed her a ten and a five.

“My pleasure,” she said. “Have a good day, gentlemen.”

They said their goodbyes and walked out with their new bag of charms. Harper watched them go until they were down the plankwalk and out of sight. She turned to find Ridge staring at her.

“What?” she asked. “They’re chappies. They risk their lives all day for people they don’t even know, they could stand to use a little kindness from the people they do.”

“Uh-huh,” Ridge said. But he had an eyebrow up, and the line of his lips was flat. Too flat. Like if he didn’t keep his lips perfectly flat they’d flare up into a knowing smile. Ugh. He was sixteen. Like he knew anything.

Harper tutted. “Just get through the line, Ridge.”

The window display of sweetness charms was the last thing she had wanted to top up, and it didn’t look like children had dumped any more of their pieces on the ground, so Harper stayed behind the counter. The other end, the end without the oversized silver and copper register and the little baskets of ‘impulse buys,’ was kept empty. The sodawood, dark and shiny, was kept clean, but Harper still wiped it all down with a clean rag and water from the pump before beginning. As it dried, she rolled up her white sleeves in stiff creases, turning up each sleeve three times each to get above the elbow. The list of what they needed made was tacked on the side of the counter. Harper studied it, and then turned to the back wall.

Shelf after shelf, from ceiling to floor, all filled with neatly labeled jars, vials, and wooden boxes. Anybody coming in off the street to steal would be hard pressed to find anything fast enough. There was no obvious order to the way things had been placed. No order at all. Only memorization and muscle memory helped Harper reach the exact right spot every time.

First on the list was heaven’s healing. In quick, snapping motions she pulled down the thunderseed, larkspur, and varmint guts. From the cabinets underneath the sodawood counter she pulled out some empty jars and corks, lining them up along the edge of the counter. Now was the time-

“Miss, which one of these is the strongest?”

Harper put her hands to her side, hiding the fists she had made behind the counter. Not that it mattered. The woman in the large hat was looking between her own hands, each holding a vial. Harper suppressed a sigh and forced a smile on her face.

“The darker the blue, the stronger the syrup,” she said sweetly.

“Very well. I’ll take a case of these.” The woman wiggled the vial of the dark blue syrup and placed both on counter, nearly knocking over the guts.

“Wonderful,” Harper said. “Ridge can help you right over there.”

The woman didn’t move. Her eyes had turned flat, like a snake sunning itself on a rock, and Harper knew what was coming before the woman spoke.

“Why can’t you do it?”

“We only have the one register, ma’am. And Ridge is on it. He can help just over there.”

“Well, what are you doing?” The woman put a hand on her hip, cocking it to one side. A madam, Harper remembered. Certainly used to being in charge of everyone, it seemed.

Harper put on her best smile. The one that was just a little bit too much. Still a smile, but, hopefully, betraying the true anger roiling underneath.

“Ma’am, I’m the mage,” Harper said. “I was about to get to work. I cannot help you. But Ridge can.”

The woman looked Harper up and down, and did no work in hiding her sneer. “Aren’t you a little young for a mage?”

Aren’t you a little ugly to be in charge of whores? It ran through her mind but Harper couldn’t say that. Right?

The woman’s sneer deepened, and Harper was afraid she picked up the thought.

“And just what is that smile?”

No, no magic, she had simply used her eyes. Harper had such a terrible poker face. What she did have, though, was an excellent furious face and very little patience.

“I just find it funny when people are rude to mages,” Harper said.

The woman opened her mouth again, but snapped it shut without speaking. The lights in the store were dimming, except there were no lights in the store. Only the light coming through the front windows and the holes in the ceiling, and it was still afternoon. A hush fell over the other folks still in line, and they all peered out to see if a storm was coming. There was sun, sure enough. Just not in the Apothecary.

“Especially when they’re standing in the mage’s home,” Harper said. “Especially when they’re asking for something.”

With a shaking hand, the woman scooped up the dark blue syrup, and pointed to Ridge.

“Just over there, then?”

Harper wiped the fury off her face, replacing it with that same sweet smile. At the same time she released her grip on the darkness, letting it settle back into its corners and shadows.

“Yes, that’s right. Ridge can help you.”

She left the syrup she didn’t want on the counter. Harper let it slide, wanting to be done with her. She pitied the women who had to report to her.

Before Harper could even remember what it was she was about to make, a man she had noticed before came to her counter from the other side of the line. He was one of the miners, with a large mustache and gritty looking overalls.

“Did you say you were the mage here?”

Harper’s heart skipped a beat and despite the heat a chill crossed her back. She tried to ignore it, and stood up straight.

“Is there something I can help you with?” she asked, crossing her arms and trying to look dignified.

“Yes, oh, yes,” the man said. He almost leaned on the counter and then backed away, hands up, like he thought it would burn him. “I need a healing incense.”

Harper swallowed hard.

“You mean a balm? A cream?” Those she could make.

“No, no, an incense. It’s my lungs. I cough. I cough so much my throat burns and my back aches. Sometimes I can bruise a rib.”

“You look okay.”

“A mage in Pitter’s Plot made me some. They’ve carried me all this way down the river. But I need more to last me the next three months out in the mines. Please, I have the money. I know it’s expensive, but I have the money!”

The money wasn’t the problem. It wasn’t why her lower back suddenly felt tight and her vision had darkened around the edges. Was she hyperventilating? It felt like she was hyperventilating. The woman with the large hat was still in line. She was looking forward, toward the register and Ridge, but Harper knew. She was listening to every word.

“I’ll need to go in the back,” Harper said, trying not to stumble over her words. She backed up slowly, moving to the door. “Please wait here.”

She turned away, as much to find the door as to not have to look at the man’s face – or see the woman’s. All of the good feelings, that feeling of knowing her place and being in charge of it, all of that was gone. Now, she was a trembling little girl.

The back was kept quiet and dark, and Harper had to wait by the door for a few seconds to her eyes to adjust. Once the kitchen was in view, and it became plain it was empty, Harper dragged herself across it, to the first door on the left. She didn’t bother knocking, as knocking never did anything.

She heard the snoring before she saw the lump. With a quick twist of magic she lit the lantern on the little table next to the bed, illuminating Athanasia. Harper hadn’t heard her come home the night before and had only checked on her this morning to make sure she was in her bed and alive. A client a little down river, she had said. And quite the trek to get to this client and back, it would seem, given how exhausted and bloodshot she always was when she came back.

Harper steeled herself. “Athanasia?”

The woman continued snoring, and Harper realized she had barely been louder than a mouse. She straightened her spine and took a couple small steps forward.

“Athanasia?” And when she kept snoring, Harper screwed up all the courage she had. “Athanasia!”

Athanasia snorted and jerked her head up, her hair all in her face.

“Ugghhhhh. Ugggghhhh. Ugh. What time is it?”

“Half past three,” Harper said, rubbing her arms. Athanasia always kept her room so cold despite how much magic it must have taken.

“Only?”

Athanasia, with a little effort and a lot more grunting, flipped over in the bed. She got all tangled up in the bedsheets and cursed as she pulled them from her limbs and nightgown. Finally, she was sitting up on the edge of the bed, elbows on her knees. She snorted and spit in the corner.

“What is it? Emergency? Fire? Whole town’s dead? Whole town’s an emergency?”

“Um, no, nothing so dire.” Harper swallowed, and when she spoke again the words poured from her as fast as a waterfall. “There’s a man out front who wants a healing incense and I can’t make it.”

Athanasia looked up at Harper. Realized her hair was still in her face and brushed all the curls back.

“Harper. I thought that sounded like you. But when you asked for something I knew you know how to do, I thought perhaps Ridge had come to me with a high voice and a dress.”

Without realizing she was doing it, Harper’s fingers worked together, as though piecing together a tiny puzzle that wasn’t there.

“I have done some incenses, yes. But not ones we’ve sold. I haven’t put in enough practice.”

Athanasia sighed as she lowered her face into her hands, followed by a short groan.

“Harper, we’ve been over this. Green magic is like cooking, not baking, remember? If you do something wrong-”

“You can add in something to make it right,” Harper finished listlessly. “But what if I mess up something and I don’t know it? He’s going out to the mines. If I don’t make them right, he could die out there.”

“Then there won’t be anyone to complain,” Athanasia said. She meant it as a joke, but Harper didn’t see anything funny. With another groan, Athanasia stretched out her arms over her head. “Fine, fine. Give me a minute to get presentable, then.”

It took closer to ten minutes before Athanasia joined Harper in the kitchen. Her hair had been pulled back tightly against the nape of her neck and she had put on another one of her loose flowing dresses, this one without so many wrinkles. While waiting for her, between pacing around the wooden table and trying not to pick at her nails and failing, Harper began to think she might blow a blood vessel in her brain and not have to worry about it anymore. She kept picturing the man, waiting at the counter, wondering what was going on. Maybe he had given up and left. Gone to Castor’s at the docks. Athanasia would just love that. The only silver lining was the woman in the large hat. Surely she had left by now.

“Right,” Athanasia said, making sure each of her copper rings were in place. “Shall we?”

“He’s a miner, with a big beard and overalls. He’s probably still standing-”

“Oh, no. You are coming out with me, my dear.”

Harper’s stomach lurched. “You don’t need me for this.”

Athanasia tutted. “No, but apparently you still need me. So you will come and watch, and I will go over all the steps in great detail.”

“But-”

“Not another word about it! We can’t have you being afraid of such basic things. Come, come.”

Without another word or glance in Harper’s direction, Athanasia flung open the door to the Apothecary. The sunlight pierced through the doorway and directly into Harper’s eyes, making her flinch, but Athanasia didn’t so much as blink. Dragging her steps, Harper followed Athanasia out into the store.

The miner was still there, his mustache wiggling under narrowed eyes. Harper only had eyes for that awful woman. As she stepped up behind the counter her eyes went to Ridge. The woman was not at the register. Nor was she in line. With a barely suppressed sigh of relief, she took her place next to Athanasia.

The woman with the large hat was on the other side of the miner, just slightly behind him. Almost like she had been hiding. She took a step forward now, though. Her smile was bitter.

“Who needed the incense?” Athanasia asked.

The miner looked from Harper to her. “Who are you?”

“I am Athanasia Atrella, Green Mage, learned in the trade under Posey Pouell. This is my shop.”

“She said she was the mage,” the woman in the hat said, pointing her too large and well-manicured hand.

“Harper is my apprentice,” Athanasia said. “Quite skilled, but still…immature. So, I shall make these incenses, and she shall learn.”

Her face was red all the way to her hair and ears, she could feel it. The woman in the hat’s smirk had become razor thin. The miner didn’t really seem to care who was making the incense as long as it was getting made, but shot Harper quizzical looks as Athanasia worked.

“Yellow thistle– You must do this, Harper, always remember this part. And once that is done, you can do this – are you paying attention, girl? Tell me what I just said.”

With a sigh, and with her eyes down on her shoes, Harper repeated Athanasia. In a loud rolling voice, avoiding the commands to speak up she knew would come if she didn’t. Truth was, Harper could have been the one giving instructions. She knew how to make an incense, down to the quarter sprig of windfoam. But knowing how to do it, and actually doing it, were two very different things. Harper didn’t know how to get Athanasia to see that.

By the time the incense was done, the midafternoon rush was over. The miner and the horrible woman were the only ones left. The miner was only grateful for the incense, and made sure to pay Ridge in full. The woman was still standing there. If she smirked any harder she was going to pull something.

“Is there something I can do for you?” Athanasia asked, dusting off her hands with a towel.

“No, I was just…watching the show.” Harper could hear the crocodile in her.

Athanasia snorted mightily and spit. “Show costs. Pay or get out.”

The woman in the awful hat turned her nose up to the air and sniffed. Still, there was a very happy curl to the sides of her mouth as she took her bag of truth syrups and finally left out the front door. Harper, Athanasia, and Ridge were the only people left.

“What a terrible human being,” Athanasia remarked to no one in particular. She put down her towel as she turned. “Harper-”

She finally had the courage to look away from the floor. “I know what you’re going to say-”

“Yes, you do. That’s the problem. I say it over and over and you can repeat it back to me, line and verse. But that doesn’t matter if you can’t do it. And I know you can. You have this mental block, Harper, and I don’t know how to get you over it.”

Harper bit the inside of her cheek to keep from tearing up. There was something new about the way Athanasia was talking to her, and looking at her. Some frustration that hadn’t been there before. Clutching her hands behind her, Harper realized it wasn’t new frustration at all. It was the old frustration, from her very earliest days of being an apprentice. That light in Athanasia’s eyes, and the way she was constantly tidying her hair, just the way she had when Harper couldn’t move something, or if her syrups had come out too thin. Harper had promised herself she would never see that in Athanasia again.

Perhaps she had been waiting for Harper to say something. Or maybe she was waiting for some sign the block had broken, just like that. A fog clearing in Harper’s eyes, or some rainbows shooting out of her mouth. Of course, there was nothing, and Athanasia held her elbows in her hands and sighed.

What am I going to do with you? flashed in Harper’s mind like an emberfly, there and gone.

“Doesn’t look like there’s anything else for me to do. Ridge, go home for the day. Harper, tidy the place before you lock up.”

Athanasia took one last look at Harper before turning and going through the door to the rest of their apartments. As soon as the door clicked shut Ridge let out air in a huge sigh, as though he had been holding it.

“Are you okay?” he asked. “I could stay and help. Mama’s not expecting me for another half hour.”

He was a sweet boy, a little too much so for a town like this. Taller than Harper and Athanasia but too thin, and with that baby face. Certainly not mage material. There didn’t seem to be a magical bone in his body. Maybe that was why Athanasia had hired him. Outside perspective.

“No, Ridge, I’m all right. You take your pay and go on home. Maybe stop by the general store. All these caravan folk must mean new sweets, right?”

Ridge’s eyes flashed at the idea, but he still kept his face somber as he took his money and put on his hat. There was a little skip in his step as he left, though, waving at her through the front window.

Harper flipped the little sign on the door window to ‘closed’ and locked the door behind him. Technically, the apothecary should be open for another hour or so. But with the rush over, the folks from the caravans were either packed back up and hoping to make it to Wren’s Alley by nightfall, or had all tucked themselves in at one of the saloons. Hardly anyone ever this late in the day, and if there was an emergency they could always come around back and knock. Apothecaries had hours, mages didn’t.

She set to work on the counter first, brushing off the loose windfoam onto the floor to sweep up later. She soaked a rag in the bucket of water that was kept in the corner and began wiping the counter down in smooth, circular strokes. Harper had always liked this part of the day. She turned the audioblooms off and soaked in the silence. After hours of crowds, her ears buzzed like all the chattering lingered after the people were gone, but it wasn’t magic. Just nerves.

Her face was still warm all the way up to her ears, and as she cleaned she made glances up at the windows. Like that woman would be there again, watching her scrub away like some servant in a fairy tale. Harper would show her. Show Athanasia, with her frustration, and Ridge, with his kind looks, too. She wasn’t a servant. She was a mage. Well, she would be. And she was going to be a great one. No, not great.

Harper was going to be perfect.


Sorry I Was Out Last Week, I Had Covid

Hey, how are you, how are things, sorry there wasn’t a post last week, after three and a half years my husband and I finally caught Covid and I’m still mad about it and also a little sick and mad about that.

Finally caught Covid’ makes it sound like we were on some grand adventure across the globe trying to track down some ancient shiny treasure to lock in a museum for eternity and after long, long last we found ourselves in the right hidden chamber of the right cave in the right jungle or whatever. Finally! We have found the Idol of Co’Veed!

But you know that’s not what I mean nor what happened. We didn’t have to go to another country. We don’t even know where we got it, but our best guesses are all within a thirty mile radius of the house.

And I’m not happy I got it. I’m fucking pissed.

You know what really makes me angry about it? Having to listen to no less than a dozen stories since I’ve gotten sick about how other people got Covid and actually, hey! Hey! Guess what! Hey! It was no big deal!

“It only lasted a couple of days and felt like a sinus infection!”

“I was just really tired for a day and a half and then I was fine!”

“I didn’t even know I had it until I had to test! Ha-ha-ha!”

Well, la-dee-fucking-da for you people, glad you all managed to get Covid Junior complete with safety restraints and a package of glow in the dark stickers. Meanwhile, we managed to get Covid X-Treme, the old version of it that was electric-piss yellow and sold in jagged bottles and ultimately discontinued because it turns out it was causing the mice they were testing it on to burst into flames.

To be clear: we are both fully vaccinated. I don’t even know how many shots that constitutes anymore. Three? Thirty? Doesn’t matter, we’ve done them all. I’ve gotten so many shots I radiate 5G in a big enough radius to encompass most of two counties. This thing still wiped the floor with both of us, to the point that we are convinced if we had gotten it in 2020, before the vaccines, we would have both been vented in the ICU or dead.

Here’s a general timeline of what happened:

Day One: My husband feels weird, but not weird enough to think anything of it.

Day Two: My husband still feels weird and gets the chills with the fan on him even though the ambient temperature of the room is still 74. We both test and he gets the brightest, nastiest, most-inflamed positive line I’ve ever seen in my life. He immediately moves his shit to the guest room in an appreciated – but ultimately futile – attempt at keeping me from getting it.

Days Three-Four: I continually check to make sure he’s still alive while trying to keep my distance. Mostly he’s asleep. My five years as a night nurse give me the skills to spot the rise and fall of someone still breathing from the doorway. Meanwhile, I am starting to have body aches and a slight pressure in my right ear. I foolishly try to believe that I will only be getting Covid Junior. Like a fool.

Day Five: Oh fuck. Oh shit. Oh fuck oh shit oh fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck.

Days Six- Seven: I remember exactly ten cumulative minutes of two entire days, minutes which are made up entirely of getting up, using the bathroom, taking more NyQuil, and barely making it back to bed. I now have the same symptoms as my husband: I can’t stay awake, I am completely congested, I have trouble breathing if I, you know, move anywhere, and I ache from head to toe. Notably, I never got a fever. Hooray.

Days Eight-Twelve: We are both recovering but it is so fucking slow. It is the exact opposite of the vaccines, where the symptoms turn on and back off like a light switch. Every time I think I’m better, I get up to do something and immediately have to sit back down. I climb the stairs and my heart tries to explode. I don’t lose my smell or taste entirely but there’s this weird layer of flavor over everything, like the equivalent of a patina of dust in a boarded-up room.

Days Twelve-Now: I’m not contagious anymore, according to the CDC, so I’ve got that going for me, which is nice. But I’m still mildly congested and coughing and exhausted and short of breath. It hasn’t been long enough to worry about long Covid, and I am slowly getting better, but all of this still fucking sucks donkey balls.

“I got it twice and both times I went swing dancing before I ever figured it out!”

I will choke you to death with a dog leash, Deborah.

This is not the sickest I’ve ever been in my life, no, Covid only ranks at number two after that time about six or seven years ago I managed to pick up the H1N1 swine flu from a patient at work. And she wasn’t even my patient! I was walking past her room when the call bell went off and like a good little helper I went in to see what she wanted and to turn the call bell off I had to lean over her and get directly in front of her face and it was only as I was leaving that I saw the yellow PPE sign on her doorway that was all YOU SHOULD BE WEARING A MASK, ASSHOLE.

But at least the flu has the decency to get fucking on with it. The very next day I went to Epcot with a few other nurses and we were standing in line for some bullshit or another and I noticed a sore throat was happening and I thought, shit, another cold, guess that’s three days of a sore throat followed by a week of a head cold followed by a month of a lower respiratory infection. Because that’s how I roll.

But no! By the time I was driving back across town two hours later I was swimmy, feverous, and begging the fluffy lord to let me get home before I completely passed out. There was less than twenty-four hours between me picking up the thing and wishing I was dead. Now that is time management. That is how a disease should manage itself. There was no lolly-gagging, no pussy-footing, no limp-dicking. The flu got in and started breaking windows and pissing all over the floor before my organs could even call security.

Anyway, that’s why I didn’t do my homework. Get your shots, wear a mask indoors, and I hope if you get it you get to be one of those annoying fuckers who got Covid Junior.