Anyways

Anyways, Spucky knew it was going to be a bad day when he woke up forty minutes before his alarm went off because there was some kind of super being or some shit standing at the foot of his bed.

It was tall. And, uh, it had hair. Like, you know, long hair. For a dude. Which it definitely was, despite being a super being. It had pecs and arms and shit. Fucking Adam’s apple. That chin-ass thing. But it was glowing. And floating, you know, like, bobbing up and down at the foot of the bed, but just real slow like. Spucky blinked a couple of times. Probably he was still dreaming, but if it was a dream it was hyperreal. He could hear his mom puttering around in the kitchen upstairs, and his bullshit neighbor mowing his lawn like he always did at way too fucking early on a Saturday. Shit, was it Saturday? Fuck, man, he had work in a couple of hours. Anyways, everything was just, like, super normal except for this super chiseled, fucking radiant dude hanging out at the foot of his bed.

“Um.”

“Robert Reginald Williams! I-”

“Shit, man, you can just call me Spucky, man. Shit. Nobody calls me Robert, man, even my mom calls me Spucky.”

The super being frowned. It clearly wasn’t expecting to be interrupted. It’s voice was all deep and loud and shit, Spucky couldn’t believe his mom couldn’t hear it upstairs. It was echoing, too, but, like, what was it echoing off of? The basement was full of so much of his shit his mom had threatened to set fire to the whole thing. Anyways, this super dude’s face just got so shifty, man, like Spucky had shoved shit in his mouth or something, and he was super pissed, and Spucky hadn’t even gotten to drain the lizard before he was angering some sort of transdimensional traveller or whatever the fuck. Fuck, man.

“…Spucky,” the super dude intoned. “I am Loredo, emissary of the gods, and I-”

“Hey, Loredo, nice to meet you. Look, do you mind if I just hit the head real quick, man? I just woke up and I’ve got to piss like a racehorse, you know what I’m saying?”

“…I…yes, I know what you’re saying?”

Loredo looked upset, but, hey, man, when nature calls you can’t really ignore that shit. Do you know the health problems you can give yourself down the line if you try to hold it in? It can get gnarly, man, some dude died from holding it in, man. Not chill. While Spucky was in the bathroom he brushed his teeth, too, just out of habit. Actually, he had forgotten all about Loredo by the time he came back out.

Loredo wasn’t floating anymore. He wasn’t glowing anymore, either. He was sitting behind Spucky’s drum kit, tapping out some rhythm on the snare.

“Oh, sweet, man, do you play? My band is looking for another drummer.”

Loredo looked at Spucky. Then he looked at the drums in front of him for sort of a long time. And then he looked at Spucky.

“Don’t you play the drums?”

“I did, bro, I did, but I’m trying to move into singing and rapping now.”

“Rapping?”

“You want the Soundcloud, bro? Shit, there might be a mixtape around here.”

“No,” Loredo said, standing up. “No mixtape, please…please. Look, Spucky, I’m here with a message.”

Spucky’s eyes got big. “Yo! Like a birthday message?”

“What? No. Why would I be here with a birthday message, your birthday isn’t for another four months.”

“Whoa. How did you know that?”

“I’m trying to tell you, I’m a messenger from the gods. I’m kind of omnipotent.”

“Oh, sweet. Hey, do you know Sharon Crossley?”

Loredo squinted at him. “Yes. I’m omnipotent.”

“Is she into me?”

“What?”

“I can’t tell, man. She’s been giving these weird signals. Like, go, sometimes, and then stop, and I don’t want to make a move until I know, man. I don’t want to get into an accident, if you know what I’m saying.”

The look on this super dude’s face was getting, like, super messed up. Like, he still looked normal, but damn, did he look mad. And confused, maybe, but Spucky didn’t know what he could be confused about if he knew everything.

“I’m a messenger from the gods. I showed up in your bedroom, floating and glowing, at the foot of your bed. I’m trying to tell you something…from the gods. And the only thing you want to ask me is if your coworker at the Gulp ‘n’ Go has any romantic interest in you?”

Spucky knew that the weird super dude was getting frustrated with him, but honestly, fuck him. He wakes up him before his alarm on a Saturday he has to work and expects Spucky to give a shit? Fuck that. He was getting some answers.

Loredo threw up his hands. “Yes, she’s ‘into you.’”

Spucky pumped his fists into the air.

“Do you want to know why I’m here now?”

“Not particularly, dude. Thanks for dropping by, though.”

“Spucky, I am here to discuss…your destiny.”

“I don’t have one of those, man, I drive a Cutlass.”

“I…No, I mean, your future.”

Loredo started floating again, and the glow came back even stronger before. Like, it was making Spucky’s eyes burn and everything. Then he started talking again and his voice was really fucking loud, too fucking loud, bro, his mom was going to flip.

“Robert Reginald Williams-”

“Spucky, man.”

“Shut. Up. I am here to impart upon you…your destiny. A darkness is coming. A swiftly moving calamity that will shake the earth to its core and send shivers of fear through the spines of every human on the planet. The Fates have seen it. And they have prophesied that you are the one who will stop it in its tracks.”

Spucky didn’t really know what to do with that information. It was kind of a lot. And it was so early. The last time someone had said a lot of stuff like that in a voice like that in front of him, he’d had his car taken away by a judge. The whole thing was total bullshit, anyways, man, he was just sleeping in the back and literally didn’t know where the keys were.

Anyways, Spucky just did what he always did in times like this: laughed nervously and said, “That’s crazy, man.”

“You must come with me, and-”

“I really can’t, man, I’m sorry. I got work today, and if I miss another shift at the Gulp ‘n’ Go Preston’s gonna fire my ass, man.”

Loredo was getting real antsy. “Didn’t you hear what I just said?”

“Yeah, dude. You said there was a prophecy that I was going to stop a coming end-of-the-world situation. And that’s cool, man. But until that happens I still have to go to work.”

“We need to train you-”

“Look, a prophecy is kind of a ‘set in stone’ thing, isn’t it? So, if I’m prophesized to stop something, or whatever, doesn’t that mean it’s definitely going to happen, no matter where I am?”

“I mean, well…see…you have to come with me!”

“I don’t have to do anything I don’t want to do, dickcheese. Except go to work, because if I get fired my mom’s going to kick me out. Don’t worry, bro. I’ll keep my eye out for this darkness or whatever, and I’ll figure out what to do when it shows up.”

Anyways, Loredo kept yelling at Spucky and following him around and shit, and it was really annoying, but apparently Loredo couldn’t actually do anything without Spucky’s permission and no one else could see Loredo so it was pretty much just a really annoying weekend followed by a quick apocalypse on Monday that Spucky handled easy-peasy and then he was back to getting baked with his two dudes Paulie and Broseph on Tuesday.

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