Private YouTube Video titled Journal Entry 11, uploaded by user Michelle1980 on December 15th, 2015.
Michelle looks a bit happier in this video. And very pale. Her skin is almost translucent.
I’m doing better. It’s been a month. I kept making videos, I have the footage here somewhere, but I wasn’t really saying anything new so I didn’t want to post anything until I have something to say.
Now I do. And here it is:
I think I’m good.
She holds up her hands.
I know, I know, after that last video how could anything be good, right?
Well, I’m serious. I’ve been up here at the lodge. Meditating. Getting my head straight. Read some books, watched some videos, and I think I’ve got some methods to keep me going off the rails.
I’ve been back to town four times now. Back at that Walmart, the grocery store, the gas station…I even sat and watched a movie. On a Friday night. Theater almost completely full. I kept my attention on the movie, and I didn’t lose it once! As long as everyone around me can play it cool, and no one gets me angry, I can hold it together.
I think the most important part was just admitting to myself that I’m hungry. All the time. Like Bruce Banner in the movie, right? That’s my secret, Cap. Once I admitted that, I could address it and work on it. Instead of pretending I wasn’t hungry and almost killing an eight year old in a Walmart.
Even though it feels like hunger, it’s still an addiction, and I have it in control. I’m basically never thinking about blood anymore. It’s not something I need. When I’m around people, I let myself hear their heartbeats, and feel the way their blood pumps, because I know I don’t need it.
She giggles again.
So, I think it’s time to leave the Lodge. I’m going to go see Toby. He hasn’t stopped calling. Honestly, it’s getting pretty…I was going to say ‘annoying’ but I think I’m at ‘infuriating.’ I wake up at night and I’ve got anywhere from two to ten miss phoned calls. So many texts. It’s like he thinks I can’t take care of myself. That he has to be my caretaker or something. Well, look at me now, Toby! I can take of myself! I can protect myself against anything!
Michelle’s voice has grown louder and louder until she’s screaming into the phone. Her hands are above her head. She looks furious.
After a two second pause she realizes her hands are in the air and lowers them. She shifts in her seat, smoothing her pants and checking her hair in the mirror. There is an air of embarrassment about her, but she ignores it and continues.
I can’t put him off any longer. We were supposed to get back together to work after the New Year. So, I’ll go early. Surprise him. Double surprise, I guess. Once he sees how much control I have, he’ll see this was a good idea. He will. He definitely will. Who knows? Maybe he’ll want to join me. I think I can do that, now.
Okay. Wish me luck.
Private YouTube Video titled WHAT THE FUCK IS ANY OF THIS, uploaded by user Michelle1980 on December 25th, 2015.
Video starts with Michelle still in her SUV. Out the windows we can see she is parked on a residential street. All of the houses are decorated with Christmas lights and there is snow on the ground. Michelle is beaming.
Okay, here we go! This is Toby’s place outside of Concord. Don’t know why he lives here, fucking freezing from November to fucking May. Time for the big reveal! I’m going to use a trick I saw on YouTube. Goes like this.
The camera switches from front mode to back and then starts jittering around while Michelle moves it. The sound of fabric on the microphone, and then phone stops, facing outward toward the steering wheel and the street. Michelle’s arm reaches forward to pull the sun visor down. In the mirror, we can see Michelle and the phone sitting in the front pocket of a flannel shirt. The phone is slightly taller than the pocket, and the camera sticks out above.
There, see? He shouldn’t even notice. I want his reaction to be as natural as possible. Let’s go!
There is no editing in this video. It continues as Michelle gets out of the SUV, shuts the door, locks the SUV, and then crosses around the car and down the front walk. The house in front of her is modest but well kept, covered in Christmas lights. Lights are on inside. Michelle climbs the front stoop and presses the doorbell a couple of times. She waits there for close to ten seconds before someone appears in the window next to the door. Surprise crosses his face, and then the door opens.
The man standing in front of Michelle is presumably Toby. He appears to be about thirty years old, slightly shorter than Michelle, broad shoulders, brown hair. He’s wearing jeans and a red sweater, and glasses.
Toby: Michelle? What are you doing here? Is everything okay?
Michelle: Yeah, of course everything is okay! I can’t visit a friend for the holidays?
Toby looks at her warily for another second or two, and then breaks out in a grin.
Toby: Of course, yeah, shit, yeah. Jesus, Michelle, you’ve had me worried for the past month.
Michelle: I was going through it. Got out the other side.
Toby: Glad to hear it. Come on, get in here, we’re just sitting down to dinner.
Michelle enters the house.