The Founding Fathers

After decades of arguments about what America’s Founding Fathers would actually want for America, scientists did the impossible and brought them back. Here are some highlights from their interviews.

George Washington: How did you get candles in the ceiling and why are they burning like that?…’Electricity?’ I don’t understand what that is.

Benjamin Franklin: To be clear, you are a woman, yes? And you dress like that? You’re allowed to dress like that everywhere you go? Two more questions: Are you a prostitute and how much?

John Adams: So, it’s the year 2022, and America is still a thing. Well. Wow. Okay, then. You didn’t bring back Abigail, too, did you? I guess I owe her some money.

Alexander Hamilton: Do you people still have banks? Good, you didn’t screw that up. Explain to me how they work…What do you mean, you don’t know? Get me someone who does, then!

John Jay: Unintelligible screaming

James Madison: Where are we, anyway? Looks pretty green out there…North Carolina? South Carolina?…California? What the hell is that?

Thomas Jefferson: The Constitution? Forget that thing. Bring me the Declaration of Independence. That’s where the real truth lies.

George Washington: Okay, so it’s like that thing Mr. Franklin did with the key and the kite…urban legend? Are you kidding me? It’s the only thing he talked about for an entire year.

Benjamin Franklin: You guys ever hear about the time I tied a key to a kite?

John Adams: How’s it doing? The country?…Oh…Uh huh…wow…sucks in air through teeth…oh, do not tell Mr. Washington about the two parties thing. He’s going to lose his mind.

George Washington: examining a smart phone…Huh? Oh, yeah, two party systems, bad news, you people shouldn’t have done that…so this thing will answer any question I ask it?

John Jay: More screaming, some flailing

James Madison: All the way to the next ocean, huh? I knew we could do it. That must have meant killing so many Indians. You must have been mowing them down left and right. ‘Make way for whitey!’ Ha ha ha. Why are you all staring at me like that?

Alexander Hamilton: going over documents…No, no, no. None of this is good. This is all doomed to collapse…it already has? And it probably will again? And you’re all just sitting there? What…a play? Why do I care about a play?

George Washington: Madam Siri, when did the English Empire collapse?…Aww, it’s still there? I was hoping the French had wiped them out.

Benjamin Franklin: Hey, who’s leg do I have to hump to get a drink around here, anyway?

John Adams: By the way, why am I here?…You want my opinion of the current state of the country?…Why?

John Jay: mostly screaming, flailing…nothing!…nothing at all!…screaming

Thomas Jefferson: Is that it? Give it to me…Excellent! My signature still stands out above all the rest! Mr. Hamilton called me some choice names for writing it so big, but two hundred and fifty years later and I bet the people don’t even remember him…there’s a what?

Alexander Hamilton: Musical theater? About my life? Like, all of my life? It didn’t include the part with…oh, come on!

George Washington: Wait, this says we went to the moon…What? Abortion? Why would I have an opinion on that, I’m not a doctor…Stop asking me about that, we went to the moon? The moon in the sky?…Well, who’s up there now?…You figured out how to go to the moon and then you STOPPED?

James Madison: Guns? Hmm, let’s see, what do I think about guns? They’re…loud. Hard to handle. Take forever to load…Oh, there’s new ones? That’s nice, I guess…I don’t quite understand why we’re talking about guns so much.

Benjamin Franklin: Is the US a Christian nation? Let me answer a question with another question: Did you get kicked in the head by a mule as a child? Sure, the Puritans got here first. And completely wrecked everything. You know those people can’t even look each other in the eye without praying about it. I wouldn’t let them be in charge of a corner shop, let alone an entire country.

Thomas Jefferson: Abortion? I know a guy if you…no, hmm, he’s probably dead, isn’t he?

Abraham Lincoln: Why am I here? I’m not a Founding Father.

John Jay: Inconsolable sobbing…nothing…there was nothing…I was on my death bed, now I am here…nothing!

John Adams: I cannot answer any of your questions. This is the twenty-first century. I don’t understand how any of it works, so why do you want my opinion?…My boy, I’m not an authority on anything. I was barely an authority in my time. I spent most of my life treading water simply to keep my head above the waves. We were a bunch of idiots thrust into a political situation none of us knew how to handle and we did the best we could with what we had. Many people back then didn’t listen to us, I don’t know why you think you should listen to us.

Alexander Hamilton: Yes, yes, the play is very nice. Can we please go back to talking about banking? Someone try to explain this ‘trickle down economics’ to me in a way that won’t make me want to kill everyone in this room.

James Madison: God? What’s He got to do with anything?

Thomas Jefferson: Wait, wait, wait….Hamilton is on the ten dollar bill? What am I on?…Two dollars? Well, surely that bill is used far more frequently than the ten…what do you mean hardly anyone ever uses it?…If Hamilton is on the ten, I should be on the twenty!…Who the hell is that?

Benjamin Franklin: Oh, ho! So, not only am I on the highest denomination of currency commonly in use, my name has become a common term for high amounts of money?…I love it. I worried that my legacy would be twisted into something unbecoming of me, but it seems like you guys still get me.

George Washington: Give me that back! The things humanity has accomplished and you only brought me back to talk about America? Fuck America! Give me the magic book back!

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