Hey there, travelistas! I don’t know about you guys, but I’m traveling all the time! I live my life in motion, always in airports, on boats, living the dream on beautiful beaches or in exotic cities! I can’t stop, because if I slow down for even a few seconds I won’t have anything to distract me from myself. It’s like the old saying goes, ‘Better to be broke in Berlin than accepting your own inevitable mortality in your living room!’
Anywhatsis, today we’re breaking down the most important things to pack for your never-ending sojourn around this planet we call Earth! Let’s get started!
This one is a no-brainer – you’d think! If I had a dollar for every time I overheard someone at the airport realize that there was something wrong with their passport minutes before they were supposed to get on the plane, I’d have enough money for those stem-cell injections I’ve had my eye on. Check your passport’s expiration date six months before your travel date to give you time for any necessary appointments, and consider buying a passport book to keep it handy!
2. Portable Battery
If you’re like me, you never ever want to be offline. Never. Ever. It’s like the old saying goes, ‘If your phone dies, you have also died.’ What happens if you can’t make emergency calls, or reach your thousands of Instagram followers for that life-giving attention and praise? Nothing good, I can tell you with authority! Pack at least one portable battery. I’m always on the go with seven!
3. Charging Wires
These go hand in hand with the portable battery. YOU MUST STAY CONNECTED AT ALL TIMES.
4. Sleep Masks, Neck Pillow, and Ear Plugs
When you’re constantly on the go like me, you need to get sleep in wherever you can. Airplanes, busses, the beds of pickup trucks filled with chickens. You need to grab sleep whenever you can, so be ready! I generally sleep in 30-45 minute chunks throughout the day, and it’s all thanks to my sleep mask, neck pillow, and ear plugs combo!
5. Local Currency
You may have read that it’s important to get traveler’s checks from the bank before you leave, and while these are good for security, there’s a lot of small town merchants and penyihir who aren’t going to take anything but cold hard cash! It’s best to get local currency in small bills and hide them around your person. Shoes, underwear, key chains, and of course some dummy money in your wallet in case you get held up. Speaking of getting held up…
6. Old-Fashioned Corkscrew
Security is going to find your knife eventually. You can’t keep spending precious money or gems on new ones. Buy a simple corkscrew and keep it close. I generally keep it in my front jacket pocket, and if anyone asks I mime drinking a huge bottle of wine. That gets laughs! And time to sprint away. Corkscrews will do major damage in any self-defense situation.
7. WiFi Hotspot
Never again be desperately searching for WiFi while watching the clock slowly tick toward midnight. If you have your own hotspot, you can put up those life-saving posts from anywhere! You could be in the middle of nowhere in Peru and still find the newest music, talk to your so-called ‘friends’ like Rebecca (I know you’re reading this, Rebecca. I know you know. I know you are looking. You better stay away, because if we ever cross paths, only one of us will walk away from it. You think I only carry this corkscrew? You think I don’t know how to pluck an eye? Watch your fucking back, Rebecca), and post updates to your Instagram, Facebook, Twitter, Tumblr, or wherever else you get that life-lengthening essence!
8. Toiletry Pack
Keep it small, but keep it filled! Plan for being away from civilization for at least three days. Believe me, it only takes a single day of no toothpaste before your mouth starts to taste like death. And you need to have at least a basic amount of makeup for those pictures you’re going to put online! And to hide those wrinkles around your eyes and mouth that developed even though you’ve tried so hard to keep a neutral face. But you have to smile for your pictures. It’s a catch-22. Damned if you do. Damned if you don’t. Damned. Damned. Damned.
9. Compact Mirror
To go along with the toiletry pack, but also a quick, subtle way to find out if someone is following you down that alley or not.
10. Pocket Translator
Make sure you download whatever language you’ll need before leaving the big cities. You don’t want to use up valuable bandwidth on your hotspot to get simple phrases when you could be putting up pictures of how cute you are in the local fashion.
Of course most of your travels are going to go online, but there will be personal stuff…secret stuff…that needs to stay between you and the gods. Put it all in this journal, and refer back to it frequently to make sure you aren’t crossing your paths on your journey! There’s no time to waste, the end is coming, the end is always coming, and every minute not spent fighting is a minute closer and you’re not ready for that.
The perfect crystal for protection away from home, this crystal not only absorbs bad energies sent your way, but reflects right back at your attacker! It’s the most comprehensive protection you can give yourself for not a lot of money or weigh in your pack.
13. Vials of Virgin Blood
Fun fact! The ‘virgin’ in virgin blood does not refer to sexual status, but whether the blood has been used in a previous ritual. This means you can have all the fun out there you want (stay protected, though!), but that after you use your blood for one spell you’ll have to outsource. Pro-tip: many sex workers will not refuse you a vial of blood if you pay them right!
Seriously, stay protected. Nobody wants to figure out they got the clap when they’re in the middle of the Outback looking for the ‘water man’ who has apparently lived for six centuries and can share the secret with you if you only follow his instructions for forty-eight hours (and what’s two days compared to eternity?) and it turns out some of those instructions include sex (they always include sex) but he can tell you have an STD when even you didn’t know yet and he calls the whole thing off and then that’s another shot at immortality destroyed all because you hooked up with fucking Tad in that hostel in Sydney after drinking absinthe all night and he swore he was wearing a condom but you knew better and still didn’t say anything, and after you’re done killing the water man and drinking his blood on the off chance that does something to stave off the mortality that you are still creeping toward, every day, no matter what you do, you tell yourself you’re going back to Sydney to find Tad and kill him to because why not? At this point human life means nothing to you. You don’t even want your own human life anymore. You want something more. Something permanent. You’ll do anything to get it. And Tad ruined your chance. Fucking Tad will pay. You bet his blood hasn’t been used in a ritual yet. You know a place to get good money for his organs, too.
15. Reusable Water Bottle
Good for your health, and the planet’s!
All of these things should fit inside your standard traveler’s backpack, minus the things you should be hiding on your person, and give you plenty of space for all the books and souvenirs and…you know…other things…you might collect on your journey! That’s all for today, and as always, if you ever stop hearing from me, it’s because I finally found a way to cheat death and I will not be sharing that. Do you hear me, Rebecca? I will be as a god and you shall crawl like a worm beneath me.
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