The Doom Movie Bitches Want (I’m Bitches)

Peter and I recently watched the 2005 movie Doom. We had heard it was bad. We guessed it would be that kind of ‘fun bad’ where the script is terrible but laughable and there would be awful CGI. Cheesefest – that’s what we thought we were tuning in to.

It wasn’t a cheesefest. It wasn’t ‘fun bad.’ It was ‘bad bad.’ According to Peter, it’s more based off Doom 3 than the others in the series, which he says is more of a slow burn horror? But I’ve never heard of Doom 3. I’ve heard of the Doom series at large, so everything I know about Doom is basically:

Just pick any spot and watch for a few seconds, you’ll get the gist.

This movie is not that. They tried to make the demons a mystery. They’re not even demons! THEY MADE HELL A METAPHOR! This is not a good movie. In fact, even with only a very basic understanding of the video games, I think I could make a better movie. Tell me what you think:

DOOM: ALL’S HELL

INT. FUTURISTIC SCIENCE LAB

We pan over a huge futuristic science lab to show off all these totally rad pieces of science. There’s microscopes and beakers strewn about. Everything is computer screens and glass and white panels and there’s blue lights everywhere. The back wall of the lab is a huge window. Beyond the window: Mars, the red sand contrasting with the blue lights inside. An official Union Aerospace Corporation (UAC) calendar is tacked to the wall, telling us it’s December 2149. Lots of people in lab coats are jogging around the big room, getting into place. We stop on SCIENTIST ONE and SCIENTISTS TWO, who don’t get names because they’re about to get their faces ripped off. The far end of the giant room is a big mechanical iris.

SCIENTIST ONE

(tapping on a Microsoft Surface that doesn’t look any different from current Surfaces even though it’s 130 years in the future)

That’s the last of the calculations. If this gateway to Earth is successful, we could solve so many problems!

SCIENTIST TWO

Yes! Problem solving, the one and only thing this company is after! I’m so glad we’ve gotten so close to making our dream come true. After all, I’m only three days away from retirement.

SCIENTIST ONE

And I can’t wait to finish this project and go home to my very pregnant wife, who is due with our first daughter any day! Are you ready to flip the switch?

SCIENTIST TWO

(tear in his eye) It would be an honor.

SCIENTIST ONE taps a few more times so everyone knows he has a Surface. SCIENTIST TWO goes to the comically large switch sticking out of the ground. When SCIENTIST ONE gives him the thumbs up, SCIENTISTS TWO pushes it to the ON setting. The big mechanical iris starts making lots of chirps and whirring and general SCIENCE NOISES. Everyone in lab coats has stopped what they’re doing to watch. Slowly, the iris begins opening.

SCIENTIST TWO

Where did they build the other end of the gate? It sure is hot.

SCIENTIST ONE

Arizona, I think?

SCIENTIST TWO

And sandy. And it smells like sulfur and dick.

SCIENTIST ONE

I already said Arizona! Wait, is that…metal music?

It is, indeed, metal music, increasing in volume as the iris nears being fully complete. It is not Arizona on the other end of the gateway – IT’S HELL. The gateway isn’t even fully open when big ugly demons start spewing forth. Everyone starts running, but it’s too late! SCIENTIST ONE gets skewered through the eyeballs and then whipped around in circles over a demon’s head like a lasso. SCIENTIST TWO tries running but stops just shy of the camera. Blood trickles from his mouth as there are screams in the background. Then his head splits in two from behind, splashing the camera in blood, which drips to spell out our title: DOOM: ALL’S HELL.

INT. SPACE MARINE HEADQUARTERS

It’s empty, save for one man sitting behind the front desk. Behind him is another giant window showcasing Mars. All of the other space marines are on a mission to Phobos, but this space marine, DOMINIC GEYSER, punched his superior in his eyeball for shit-talking his dog, so he gets to sit in time out and think about what he’s done. The phone on the desk starts ringing.

DOMINIC GEYSER

Space Marine Headquarters, Dominic Geyser, Space Marine, speaking…you’ve accidentally opened a portal to hell and now all the hell demons are spilling out and consuming you? But I’m the only space marine here! I punched my superior in his eyeball for shit-talking my dog! Hello? Hello? Stop screaming, I can’t understand you.

From the phone: faint screaming and metal music.

DOMINIC GEYSER

This can’t be happening!

(he looks out the window to the UAC headquarters across the valley with binoculars. All the windows are covered in blood and he spies a demon eating a spine whole)

This is happening! Time for Dom Geyser to redeem himself!

INT. ARMORY

Extended scene where DOMINIC GEYSER arms himself to the teeth, strapping big, recognizable guns over his bigger muscles. Lots of flexing, strapping things down. Real erotic tension. Finally, and I mean after at least five minutes, he does the slow-motion walk out of the armory. He gets into a space marine truck, one of those ugly-ass things Tesla made, and begins to drive it around the valley.

INT. SPACE MARINE TRUCK, SPONSORED BY TESLA

As Mars whizzes by outside, the onscreen HUD lights up. DOMINIC GEYSER is getting a call from his commanding officer. With a squint, he answers it.

COMMANDER PUNCHROCK

What in the God Damned-flim-flammed-shit-shat-motherfucking Green Acres boot up my ass are you doing, soldier? I told you to man the front desk!

DOMINIC GEYSER

Sir, there was a distress call from UAC! They’ve opened a gateway to hell and now demons are clawing their way through everyone!

COMMANDER PUNCHROCK

I don’t care if all of the English Royalty, dead and alive, showed up at the UAC and started chewing everyone’s ears and dicks off, you report it in before you make a move! I order you to go back to headquarters at once and wait for further instructions.

DOMINIC GEYSER

Can’t do it, sir. These people need help now.

COMMANDER PUNCHROCK

Jesus pinch of salt and a little bit of fucking lemon Christ, how do you not know how to take orders by now? You’re as dumb as your ugly, stupid dog.

DOMINIC GEYSER punches out the communication and puts the pedal to the metal. He punches the roof of the Tesla Space Marine Truck repeatedly, to show he’s very manly and has mad biceps but also to show how much he loves his dog. He’s sweating. The metal music gets louder and louder, overtaking the generic crap we’ll get for cheap. And then-

INT. UAC

DOMINIC GEYSER busts through the airlocks of the UAC. Red lights are flashing and alarms are blaring, but you can barely hear them over the BRAIN MELTING INDUSTRIAL METAL MUSIC THAT IS PLAYING AT FULL VOLUME. It basically doesn’t stop for the rest of the movie. The demons start to notice him. For the next twenty-seven minutes this movie is just straight-up demon violence. The music is loud and the CGI is terrible. DOMINIC GEYSER doesn’t have a goal beyond ‘kill as many demons as he can until the rest of the Space Marines show up,’ but there doesn’t seem to be an end to the demons. Finally, he finds a small office with an intact door to hole up in for a few minutes to catch his breath.

INT. SMALL OFFICE

DOMINIC GEYSER is sitting on the edge of the desk, staring at the door. He’s covered in sweat and blood and somehow less clothes than he started with, so we can see more of his muscles. A sound from behind him makes him jump, and then something is running at him. He catches himself in time – it’s a woman! She’s got a letter opener, but he takes it easily.

DOMINIC GEYSER

Hold on there, little lady who I have never met before and is definitely not my sister because what is that adding to this story, exactly? I’m here to help! I can’t believe you’re okay.

DR. SALLY MELONS

Thank God you’re here, they opened a gateway to hell!

DOMINIC GEYSER

Yeah, I, uh, I figured that part out. Who are you?

DR. SALLY MELONS

I’m Dr. Melons. Sally. The demons keep coming! I missed the gateway opening because I forgot my camera and I came here to get it. When I heard the first explosion I hid in the closet.

DOMINIC GEYSER

Wait, if you’ve been hiding all this time, how did you know they opened a portal to hell?

DR. SALLY MELONS

The metal music.

They both nod, listening to the metal music faintly through the door.

DOMINIC GEYSER

The other space marines are coming, but they were on Phobos so it could take hours, maybe days, and I’m already almost half out of my ammunition!

DR. SALLY MELONS

We might not have to wait. I think I can close the gateway, I just need to get close enough.

DOMINIC GEYSER

(straps a strip of cloth around his forehead and cocks one of his guns for no reason)

Well, then, allow me the honor of…escorting you.

When ready, they open the door. Metal music floods their ears, and they start charging down the hall. Another twenty-four minutes of demon fighting, except this time DOMINIC GEYSER also has to make sure DR. SALLY MELONS stays with him, doesn’t get shot or eaten, doesn’t go too fast or too slow, etc. Finally, after twenty-four excruciating minutes, they reach the portal. The metal music is loudest here.

INT. GATEWAY ROOM

DOMINIC GEYSER

(screaming to be heard over music)

Can you close it?

DR. SALLY MELONS

(also screaming)

I can…but I won’t!

DOMINIC GEYSER

What are you doing? We have to stop hell!

DR. SALLY MELONS

No! This is what the UAC has always wanted – to open hell, and send it to earth!

DOMINIC GEYSER

But…why?

DR. SALLY MELONS

What?

DOMINIC GEYSER

Why?

DR. SALLY MELONS

What? I can’t hear you over the music!

DOMINIC GEYSER

WHY DOES THE UAC WANT TO BRING HELL TO EARTH?

DR. SALLY MELONS

Oh! Because-

But DOMINIC GEYSER has gotten closer and closer this whole time, and stabs her in the heart with her own letter opener! A ridiculous amount of blood plumes everywhere.

DOMINIC GEYSER

Trick question, bitch! I don’t care!

DR. SALLY MELONS falls to the ground, dead. There doesn’t seem to be a way to close the portal, very obvious from the Surface’s easy-to-read interface. Suddenly, DOMINIC GEYSER realizes what he has to do – if the gateway won’t shut on this side, he’ll have to shut it from the other side.

DOMINIC GEYSER

(looking directly at the camera)

Well, it’s like they say. All’s hell that ends hell.

DOMINIC GEYSER jumps through the portal, falling into hell like the game’s box art while the music swells and cuts to black.

THE END.

See how much better that is? I think it’s the two twenty minute scenes of nonstop fighting and metal music that’s really going to make this a smash hit. Not sure who should play Dominic Geyser, let me know if someone stands out to you and I’ll be sure to tell my nonexistent Hollywood agent.


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