Final Fantasy XV came out in 2016 but I’m talking about it now because I just purchased the Windows Edition on Steam and I am still in the purest, most wholesome love with this game. I want to take it to the drive-in and then sit chastely in the front seat, holding hands over the center console. I want to get it a promise ring. I want to take it to prom and then have it home at a reasonable hour, meeting its parents at the door and shaking hands with its father.
Oh, also, we played Final Fantasy XVI over the summer, and the only thing I want to do with that game is give it the side eye while I heap praise on XV, so let’s fucking go.
For clarity’s sake, I’m going to refer to Final Fantasy XV as Fifteen, and Final Fantasy XVI as Sixteen, because it’s 2024, why are we still entertaining Roman numerals?
The Story
Okay, look, I have played the base game probably four or five times back in the day, and am currently working on another playthrough, and I still couldn’t tell you precisely what the fuck is going on. There’s a city-state with a king but also a neighboring or potentially related Empire that was going to sign a truce treaty but – surprise – the Empire gets into the city-state and goes on a fullblown bender, tearing everything down to the studs and taking the city’s crystal. It’s a Final Fantasy, of course there’s a crystal. And the king in the city-state was protecting it, but also the crystal was protecting them, but also there was prophecy that this was going to happen so the king sent his son away before any of this could happen, and also also there’s this other guy, Ardyn, who fucking hates everything, and the main story is super unclear why, but he shows up occasionally to be weirdly menacing. To get the full story you need to watch a movie and an anime, play the DLCs, watch a short prequel to one of the DLCs, and then maybe you’ll kind of, sort of, not really have the full picture of who all these people are and what they’re trying to accomplish.
But none of that matters, because when you get down to it, Fifteen isn’t really about that. Oh sure, that’s happening. The characters are talking about it. But the real meat and potatoes of the story is:
MOTHERFUCKING ROAD TRIP
You are Prince Noctis, trying to get to your mostly-political wedding to Lady Lunafreya, and you’re doing it by driving across the country with your three best buds. Sure, your city is in ruin and your dad is dead, and those assholes in the Empire keep dropping MT’s on your head, but your primary mission is to Have a Good Time.
I am barely joking about this. Yes, the super serious plot stuff crops up pretty consistently, but also one of your friends, Prompto, is constantly taking pictures that you can choose to save. There are even spots where he’ll be like, that looks cool, let’s take a picture there! And you, as Noctis, will be like, bet. And then this new mission will override your current mission and Ignis will turn the car around and you’ll all pile out and get a group shot in front of a big meteor or whatever.
There’s a part early on, shortly after the gang has discovered that everyone they love is either dead or currently being tortured, where Gladio finds out his sister made it out of the city and is hiding in a spot further west. And, for obvious reasons, Gladio just wants to get there as fast as possible. But oh my God, you guys, there’s a chocobo farm nearby!!!!!!!
The choice is obvious, and even Gladio isn’t too upset by this.
Every night to bank experience you have to either stay in a hotel, camper, or actually camp out somewhere. There are cutscenes of the four boys just sort of chilling, and if you’re camping Ignis cooks a meal. Later in the game, after you get sent to a different continent, you can go back to early areas via the hotels, in what is framed as ‘reliving memories.’
As I said, there was a prophecy. Not only did King Regis know he was about to get fucked without a lunch break, he also knew that Noctis’ life was going to get, like, super shitty, you have no idea, and literally just wanted his son and his friends to have a good time before that happened.
All the political shit is backdrop. The main crux of Fifteen is having a good time with your friends before you have to grow up.
The Characters
Prince Noctis, who not-so-subtly does NOT want to get married and barely seems to want to be a prince. He enjoys fishing and hates vegetables and pretends like the next person who asks for a favor is going to get a blizzaga spell up the head, but clearly actually loves diving into a demon-infested cave to get a can of car wax or whatever. Because you know what isn’t in that cave? Lady Lunafreya in a wedding dress. I’d call him the twinkiest twink on Eos but he isn’t even that in his own friend group. That would be…
Prompto, normie friend from school with a dark secret that literally doesn’t matter at all. When he finally talks about it with the others they are so full of Whatever I’m amazed any of them are managing to stand up right. I think Prompto’s tininess freaks Gladio out, because during fights I often get Gladio screaming ‘Prompto’s barely holding on!’ while Prompto is still at, like, half health.
Gladio is your buff old brother who puts protein powder into everything he drinks and listens to Joe Rogan. He’s supposed to be Noctis’ royal bodyguard, and he takes this Very Seriously. His body is a temple, and that temple is stuffed with empty Cup Noodle containers.
Ignis is your standard issue mom friend whose main concern is making sure Noct doesn’t die of scurvy. He does all the cooking because he knows if anyone else tried they’d set the camp on fire, and he’s probably spiked all of the high-tension coffee he drinks with vodka.
These four make up your main party, with the occasional guest, and the thing that works so well about them is that they feel very much like real twenty-somethings who have no fucking clue what’s going on but think they have a mastery over their situation.
Also, a very important distinction between Fifteen and Sixteen is that Fifteen is fully voiced while Sixteen is not. There were so many times during Sixteen where I’d fully forget Clive was wandering around with anyone because they wouldn’t say anything and they’d be trailing Clive off screen so you couldn’t even see them. I’m thinking Clive is checking out this empty field alone, and then he comes across a whatever-the-fuck and suddenly Jill is there chucking freeze spells at it and I’m like, oh yeah, you’re here, too.
Noctis’ friends do not shut up. Ever. There might be fifteen seconds where they’re all running at an objective in silence – his friends coming in and out of frame, reminding you of their presence – but then they’re chatting about something that happened in the plot, or how they feel super tired today, or Prompto will just start fucking singing the Chocobo jingle. Riding in the car? Talking. Fighting? Oh, you know they’re talking. Sometimes when you’re talking to an NPC you have the option to punt your response to one of the other three, and even when that doesn’t happen all four of them are involved in the conversation. Meanwhile, over in Sixteen, Clive has a full conversation with an NPC with Jill just, I don’t know, standing directly over his shoulder watching everything in constipated silence.
The Setting
I get so tired of fucking boring-ass pseudo-England settings that when Fifteen opened up in a God-damned desert I exploded in sheer joy.
Okay, technically the game starts in the city of Insomnia, but you’re there for all of thirty seconds before it cuts to Noctis and his friends pushing his broken-down car through a fucking desert.
It’s so great, I can’t stop thinking about it. When’s the last time you saw a full fantasy in the middle of the desert? (If you watch anime, don’t answer that.) There’s fucking sand and rocks and a whole bunch of giant scorpions and then night falls and demons rise up from the ground to try to take your head off. It’s awesome.
The whole thing isn’t desert, either. You get some wetlands surrounding a lake. A seaside resort. A fucking volcano and magma fields. And a big city fashioned somewhat after Venice. All the sorts of places you’d never get to see if you insist on having your fantasy set in the middle of a Ren Faire.
To be fair, Sixteen also has a desert.
To be fair in the other direction, said desert is surrounded by boring-ass pseudo England. So many fucking villages and glens and glades and trees and rolling hills. Makes me want to puke.
Other Things I Love About This Game
You interact with a dude name Dino, who has the thickest New York accent on the planet, because it’s JRPG law that a dude with a thick New York accent exist somewhere. For some inexplicable reason, he is also very pretty.
You can change the color of the chocobos you ride. AND the game doesn’t make you fucking kill any, and I am glaring directly at you, Sixteen.
When you wake up at a hotel or camper, Noctis’ friends are just sort of scattered around like they woke up first and decided to kill time by looking at shit. And then you can find each other and approach them, and they greet Noctis and follow him around while you look for the others. I can’t put an exact number on the amount of serotonin this has given me over the years.
They pronounce ‘chocobo’ correctly. Again, fucking looking at you, Sixteen.
Cake, Baby
In Conclusion
Final Fantasy XV is the best Final Fantasy, a judgment I can totally make because it’s the only one I’ve ever played, don’t @ me.
High Urban Fantasy Jazz 