The Vows
“…you will always be my best friend.”
Holly dabbed at her eyes as they welled up with her tears. She wasn’t particularly close with her cousin, actually hadn’t seen Theresa in close to ten years, and didn’t know she was capable of writing something so simple and yet so moving.
I’m no good at weddings.
But as she looked around the little gathering of white chairs she noticed she wasn’t the only one trying to keep composure. Tessa’s vows had simply been that good.
“And now for the groom,” the pastor said, gesturing to Alex. She had never actually met the guy, but Tessa had been with him for eight years, now, so there had to be something about him.
There was a look on his face as he pulled out his little crumpled sheet of paper from his suit pocket that Holly didn’t like.
“My beautiful Theresa, I have given you so much over the years. My time, my love, my…love…”
He glanced around the crowd to make sure everyone understood his little innuendo. A couple people groaned, and that was good enough for him.
“And now, I’m giving you the best thing a person could ever ask for: an admission ticket to the Miller family. The best family.”
“He said what now,” Nate asked from next to her.
Holly gave him a half-hearted shush. Tried to. She was actually just as baffled as he was.
“We have been together through thick and thin. That’s right. Thin – that’s you – and thick – you know that’s me.”
More groans, and some laughter as Alex wiggled his eyebrows and glanced repeatedly, emphatically, at his crotch. Not the good kind of laughter, Holly noted with semi-relief. The sort of half-hearted chuckle that comes from second-hand embarrassment.
“If the future is even half as good as what the last eight years has been, I can’t wait to live an entire life together with you,” Alex said.
Okay, back on track.
“We will make our house a true marital home. You in the kitchen, me in the TV room. You in the laundry room, me in the basement cave. And, of course, both of us in the bedroom. A lot. I’m talking at least five times a week.”
His five best men all started hooting and hollering. The pastor – wasn’t he Alex’s uncle? – tried to say something but got completely drowned out. Tessa still had a shocked smile on her face and seemed to be taking it okay. Holly didn’t know how. If Nate had tried any of this shit-
“Jesus Christ, if you hadn’t killed me already, this is where you would have killed me,” Nate said next to her.
“Our lives can only go up from here-”
“Oh, my God.”
“Don’t say it.”
“But I don’t want you to forget about going down.”
The audience reaction was a mix of groans and thin laughter. Tessa’s smile had finally cracked a little, but she quickly tried to cover it up.
“Does your cousin have self esteem issues?” Nate asked as the…happy?…couple went down the aisle.
“Starting to feel that way,” Holly said.
The Portraits
Holly was staring at table filled with hors d’eouvres and trying to decide if she wanted a cucumber sandwich or a pig in a blanket when Nate came hustling over, wiggling through people and trying not to cause a scene.
“Hol, Hol, dude, oh my God,” he said, pushing into her side. He was panting.
“What the hell happened? I thought you just went to the bathroom?”
Nate nodded and gently grabbed her elbow, pulling her away from the people already staring at him.
“I did. That’s where I was. And when I was coming back I saw them taking the official wedding portraits. Look at this shit.”
He held out his phone, trying to make sure only Holly saw. It was a picture of Tessa, Alex, and all of his groomsmen. Tessa was holding a sign that said “WE GOT MARRIED ON A FRIDAY BECAUSE…” while Alex and his buddies were holding a red, white, and blue flag that said “BECAUSE SATURDAYS ARE FOR THE BOYS.” Alex and his buddies were chugging beers while Tessa mostly just looked embarrassed.
“What…the fuck…” Holly said, staring at it.
“I mean, I guess I don’t have to be so secretive. The fucking photographer was taking this picture, can you believe it?”
Holly grunted. “I mean, I’ve seen worse. At least it wasn’t that one where all the bridesmaid are kneeling so they look like they’re-”
She was cut off by Nate flipping to the next picture, which happened to be the exact scene she was describing. Holly stared at it for a few seconds before she remembered what words were.
“Yikes.”
The Wedding Cake
“Everyone!”
The harried event planner was making her way through the crowd of folding tables, eyes wild, gesturing for people to follow her.
“The bride and groom are going to cut the cake!”
Holly breathed a sigh of relief. At least this wedding had cake. The last couple she’d had to go to this year had only had weird little things like cupcakes and cakepops.
Alex and Tessa were already up by the cake. It was clear they were supposed to be doing the traditional ‘cut a slice together.’ The photographer, looking as though she’d never be able to unsee what had gone down in the portrait session, fidgeted near the camera and the lighting. She clearly needed a cigarette and a stiff drink.
It took Alex’s mother a few seconds to wrestle the can of beer out of his hand, only winning after promising to give it back as soon as the cake was cut.
The happy couple took the cake server hand in hand and effortlessly cut through the two tiered marbled cake, avoiding the novelty topper with the bride dragging the groom by his hair.
“Feed each other a piece!” the photographer shouted.
People all around Holly shouted encouragement for the couple to do the same, but she could feel Nate stiffen next to her. He knew. She knew. They both could see with crystal clarity what was about to happen.
The event planner gave the couple little plates with perfect squares of cake. Holly gingerly picked hers up, trying to keep cake from getting under fingernails.
She was still smiling when she looked up and got Alex’s piece mushed completely into her nose and eyes.
Tessa winced, almost fell back, kept her footing by a mere inch, and then gamely tried to give a thumbs up, indicating she was okay. She still had her piece in her hand, and squinting out of frosting covered eyes she managed to smear it all over Alex’s nose and mouth.
Everyone applauded and even gave little cheers, as though the cold, iron gates of hell hadn’t just been pried open by cake covered fingers.
The look in Alex’s eyes was not something Holly had seen before and never wanted to see again. He wasn’t a man. He wasn’t even a wild animal. He was a demon, one who had crawled through those open gates with a taste for flesh and would use the first thing he found as a weapon.
And the first thing he found was wedding cake.
Alex plunged his hands into the cake up to his wrists and cake free with two hunks of vanilla and chocolate. Tessa never stood a chance. The cake was in her face. In her hair. All over her dress. Her nose had been bloodied. People were screaming. Tessa’s mother had fainted. Still, Alex picked up what remained of the cake and held it aloft over his head, ready to throw.
That was when the maid of honor tackled Alex to the ground, the two of them sliding across the dance floor as the cake Alex had been holding fell all over them.
People were going to help.
No, Holly realized as she watched Alex’s pastor uncle take a swing at Tessa’s dad, people were going in for the fight.
“Okay, we need to leave,” she said to Nate, pushing him toward the door. “I will not be in another wedding where the cops show up.”
High Urban Fantasy Jazz 