A Variety of Opinions I Have That Don’t Deserve Their Own Column

Stephen King is Freaky and He Can’t Stop Telling on Himself

Recently someone on r/books asked if Stephen King always puts weirdly sexual scenes into his books and there are over five thousands responses from people explaining how they’ve been personally victimized by King.

This is not the first time this topic has come up and it won’t be the last. And I know, he’s sort of writing in that pulpy genre where all sorts of weird and terrible shit happens, but, like…every book, Stephen?

And it’s all over the place, too. There’s the absolutely buckwild shit, like the infamous scene in It or the less infamous but no more ‘That’s It, I’m Calling Chris Hansen’ demon birth scene in whichever later Dark Tower book, to just, like, a really large amount of relationships between men and women with at least a fifteen year age gap, sometimes larger, always the man older the woman, and then there’s the rape. So, so much rape.

Everyone keeps making the same fucking excuse, too: cocaine is a helluva drug. And I mean, it is, but y’all know he’s not still on the cocaine, right? And yet these scenes keep happening? The cocaine is an excuse. The man is a writer in the streets and a freak in the sheets…of paper he’s writing on.

He needs therapy, is what I’m trying to say.

I Can’t Stop Reading r/AmItheAsshole Because It’s An Addiction Now, But If I Have to Read About One More Woman Wondering if She’s the Asshole While in a Clearly Abusive Relationship I’m Going to Start Screaming and Never Stop

These are so fucking common and I don’t think I can stand it anymore. I was thinking I’d link a bunch but I don’t have to. Go over there and browse around, I guarantee you’ll find one within sixty seconds.

I am, of course, glad these women are at least sort of realizing something is wrong to the point where they seek out an outside perspective. But the shit these women describe as their daily life? And they think it’s normal and they might be the asshole because they dared to stand up for themselves for once in their life and their abusive partners immediately turned it all back on them? It hurts, okay? It hurts my brain and it hurts my heart. He’s locking you, a pregnant woman, out of the bathroom at night because it wakes it him up. That’s not normal, hun.

Even more baffling to me are the ones where the mother in law clearly hates them, the husband keeps siding with his mommy, and the woman just…puts up with it? Over and over? Even if my husband was on my side and actively defending me from his mother’s bullshit I would still have to think the relationship over depending on how bad she got. If my husband wasn’t defending me, and telling me to suck it up? I would be out of there so fast the house would burn down from friction. Maybe I’m not the most impartial person because I have cut people out of my life for way, way less, but seriously. No man is worth being constantly subjected to a toxic person who only derives joy from watching you sweat.

Just in case anyone needs to hear this today:

You deserve love. You deserve respect. There is no amount of ‘other good qualities’ that makes up for a lack of either from your partner.

Something I Miss From the Broadcast TV Days: Standard Volume

Anyone who remembers the days of watching broadcast television are already getting all antsy and thinking about the commercials. And to those people I say: Yes, there did use to be a problem where network and cable channels would pump up the volume on the commercials. I, too, have not-so-fond memories of falling asleep to the dulcet tones of Jerry Orbach and Christopher Noth wittily discussing a case on the streets of New York only to be blasted awake by that guy wailing on the first note of the Pizza Bagels jingle. But, if you’ll also remember: they fucking fixed that. It took an actual act of congress to fix it, but they did, and for a few years you could safely go to the kitchen without any of the twenty-six thousand car insurance mascots screaming in your ear while you made a sandwich.

I don’t have cable anymore, so I can’t comment on what commercials are like today. What I’m talking about is trying to switch from watching something on YouTube, then Hulu, then Amazon, and every single streaming service is broadcasting on an entirely different audio spectrum. Hulu and HBO are entirely too quiet and we have to increase the volume on the television by about a dozen pips. And then God forbid we forget we had to do that and switch over to Netflix because then that double barrel Netflix sound is going to ring through the entire house, startling the cats and knocking picture frames off the wall.

Is it a dumb thing to complain about? No, go fuck yourself.

Star Wars Sucks Because No One Can Agree On What It Should Be

I guess ‘sucks’ is a strong word but whatever. It’s overall not good. I was never really a fan to begin with. I’d seen the original trilogy as a kid on VHS tapes and was unimpressed. The prequels came out when I was in middle school/high school and I had zero interest except for that Weird Al song which is a certified banger. I wasn’t into video games until 2015 so I missed stuff like Knights of the Old Republic and what not.

Then Disney backed a dump truck full of money into George Lucas’ front yard and started work on the sequels and I thought, hey, maybe now is the time I become a fan of Star Wars!


I love The Last Jedi but it doesn’t super work as a stand-alone movie and the other two movies are either Just Okay or A Chaotic Mess. The Disney+ shows have all been various levels of Fine, I Guess. I think at this point the Star Wars thing I like the most is Jedi: Fallen Order.

And I think all of the meh-ness surrounding what is still, somehow, one of the most popular things on the planet is because ever since control was wrested away from Lucas by shoving one hundred dollar bills down his chimney until they all scattered through the air invitations-to-Hogwarts style is no one – not even the creators – can agree on what Star Wars actually is.

I’m not saying I know! Fully don’t. But I’m not the one trying to make a Star Wars movie or show or whatever. I’m merely pointing out that every time someone does make a new movie or show or whatever, they seem to spend a large chunk of time not-so-subtly pointing out why other movies and shows and whatevers aren’t REALLY Star Wars. Maybe if everyone stopped obsessing over the perceived mistakes of their predecessors and focused on the task at hand we could get Actually Good Star Wars movies with, like, I don’t know, cohesive plots and character development. I’m just spit balling here.

Dean Winchester is a Heavily Closeted Chaotic Bisexual

You have to believe me when I tell you that this statement on certain websites about ten years ago would have started a fucking FIGHT. The show is finally over and I’m still burying this deep and not even tagging Supernatural just in case.

Dean’s dad, John, is a marginally sentient turd with enough brain power to operate a crossbow or his legs, not both. He channeled all the grief from his wife dying tragically into his own fantasy revenge plot that only tangentially involved his sons, thereby wrecking all three lives to various degrees, and then he just fucking yeets himself into hell like, yeah, protecting your sons once is enough to make up for a lifetime of emotional and mental abuse.

And of course, because Papa Talked Shit and Died was in the military, all of his abuse is in the My Boys Better Be Fucking MEN vein, all classic cars with leather seats and massive oversized pick up trucks with leather seats and bomber jackets and washed out color pallets and nonstop dad rock. Sam managed to rebel with his long hippy hair but in fifteen seasons Dean manages to never actually get out from under the generational trauma and thus never figures out that his dick swings wildly in all directions at all times, even when he’s actively hitting on other men.

He’s so deep in the closet he’s got a gun to Mr. Tumnus’ head.

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