Hot Take: Tony Stark is a Selfish Pissbaby, Actually

My God, Tony Stark is not a good person.

Like, I know he’s not supposed to be the best guy. Obviously. He’s one of those heroes with a bit of an edge. You know, a Bad Boy. Like the scraggly one from the Backstreet Boys. Kevin, I think. Tony Stark is Kevin from the Backstreet Boys. I think the MCU even tones down his character a bit because I don’t know much about the comics  but I’m pretty sure he was a full blown alcoholic there.

So, I get it. He’s not supposed to be a fucking paragon like Steve, but it seems to me that he’s a lot shittier than the movies would prefer you to believe.

Iron Man

This whole superhero business is new for everybody. Not only Tony, of course, but also SHIELD. At the end of his first movie, there are already processes in motion to keep the identity of Iron Man a secret, to protect Tony and the people he cares about and also probably SHIELD and the government? Like, Tony was literally in the Middle East blowing up terrorists on his own time and if the US government doesn’t claim they have NO IDEA who this madman is it’s going to create a fucking international incident.

He gets half a minute into the God damned cover up before blowing up the whole fucking thing. And why? Why can he not keep his fucking Iron Man in his pants? Because a lady reporter was a little salty about being pumped and dumped and was a bitch to him in front of other people, so he’s got to be a bitch right back. You can’t hurt Iron Man’s fee-fees where all the people drooling over his every word can hear or he’s going to immediately go nuclear and make everyone’s life harder including his own.

Avengers: Age of Ultron

Everything is 1000% Tony Stark’s fault.

Captain America: Civil War

Tony is at MIT tossing his money around, like he likes to do – I will give him that, he does seem to like to toss money around to whoever ends up in his eyeline which is better than our actual rich people who won’t even pay their fair share of taxes – and on his way out the back he runs into a woman. Said woman had a son who died in Sokovia and she specifically blames Tony. As she should. And the fucking look on this rocket-douche’s face…not only has he apparently never even considered the possibility that innocent people could get hurt during his escapades, it’s also never occurred to him that people could dislike him. At all. This lady fucking breaks him.

Immediately after the scene where Entirely Correct Lady blames Tony for her son’s death, Steve Rogers tries to comfort Wanda by telling her this:

“This job…we try to save as many people as we can. Sometimes that doesn’t mean everybody. But if we can’t find a way to live with that, then next time maybe nobody gets saved.”

Somebody needs to tell Tony this. Because he can’t fucking live with being confronted with killing one innocent person while trying to save the fucking world. He can’t handle it so much he runs off to Daddy, aka the Secretary of State, to take all the responsibility away from him. His life would be so much easier, you see, if someone else were making the decisions. If, when something went wrong, Tony could point up the ladder. No, no, sir, it’s not my fault the mission went wrong and innocent people ended up dead. I was told to come here by the American government, so it’s their fault. I can’t handle anything being my fault, so now it’s all theirs.

He tries to act all superior, like he’s living on some advanced plane of existence and the rest of them are too out of control to understand, but really he’s the one who can’t handle feeling bad about something for more than two seconds and decides he needs to take it out on the people he considers friends.

Also, Tony Stark is absolutely the only Avenger who would think it’s a good idea to recruit a literal fifteen year old as back-up for his shitty feud, and then feed said literal fifteen year old lies about how Steve Rogers, grown ass man, doesn’t know what he’s doing.

Spider-Man: Homecoming

Jesus Christ, Tony, if you just fucking talked to Peter like the adult you’re otherwise treating him like, if you had fucking told him you treated his tip seriously and gotten the FBI involved, than that ferry wouldn’t have gotten split in half. Get therapy and learn to communicate you unhinged, selfish manbaby.

Avengers: Endgame

They could have used the infinity stones to reset reality.

They could have used the infinity stones to reset reality.

They could have used the infinity stones to reset reality.

I don’t give a flying fuck what goes on in the comics, so don’t come at me with some sort of argument based on colored dots on paper. Everything we’ve seen in the movies points to all six infinity stones essentially being the toolkit of the universe. You can do anything. Literally anything.

The movie makes it explicitly clear that they cannot reset the timeline for whatever timey-wimey bullshit rules they decided to set, but I’m not talking about resetting the timeline. I’m talking about resetting reality. Those five years happened. Thanos snapped his purple sausage fingers and half the universe’s population disappeared. Then, someone snapped their fingers and it’s 2018 again and everything is the way it was. Nobody who didn’t get snapped remembers the past five years, so for all intents and purposes, it didn’t happen. You’ve got the infinity stones. Easy peasy fuck-you squeazy.

But, no. Nope. Can’t do it. Can’t erase five years of deaths and destructions and pain and heartache and civil unrest and wars and shit. Because I might erase my daughter.

I know there’s going to be a lot of parents out there who are going to support what Tony did. “You don’t know until you have a child.” “You can’t just sacrifice your own baby.” “Baby baby child baby parent baby child? Baby baby baby!” I hear you. I don’t care.

 It’s the entire fucking universe versus a kid you could still have. The infinity stones are the cheat codes to the universe and instead of using them to erase five years of heartache Tony decides to bring everyone back just so he can keep his kid.

Or…or… fucking snap your fingers and fix the fucking universe and keep your kid. Who gives a shit if it doesn’t add up? Seriously, who would fucking care? The universe sure doesn’t. I guess the TVA would but honestly, fuck those people.

Also, how, exactly, did everyone ‘come back?’ Like what about people who were flying? Did they suddenly find themselves in a very odd situation where they were sitting on top of another passenger? Or did they snap back to some undetermined location 35,000 feet above the ocean? Were unborn babies snapped? Did they show up back in their mother’s womb and burst something or what? There’s so many holes in this fucking plan it goes well with ham and mustard. Not to mention all the people whose significant other got blipped so they moved on with their life and got remarried and now whoops, the other one is back. Do you really think the entire world is okay with a thruple situation, Tony? You inconsiderate turbo melon? The world got fucked in the face when half the population disappeared, and then fucked in the ass when they all came back. It’s a God damned Golden Gate Bridge of tragedy.

If he’d gotten over himself and snapped reality back to how it had been five years before, he could have brought back Natasha.

In Conclusion

I’m glad he’s dead.

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